Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ashton Kutcher on Marc Jacobs


The Corsair managed to obtain -- wink, wink -- Ashton Kutcher's notes from the Marc Jacobs Show that he allegedly will publish in Harper's Bazaar. Read with an open mind:

"Fashionweek Diary, Take 1:

"Demi -- I call her Dummy -- hooked up this gig where I write for Glenda Bailey's Harper's Bazaar, which she says is like the hungry man's Vogue, so that I can class my image up a bit. And shit. For realsies. So I told Dummy, Hey -- Dummy: I'm a classy dude. Then I scratched my crotch. She told me of course I was, sweetie, then fed me some yummy candy bars and rubbed my tummy, convincing me that this would be a growing experience. Whatevs.

So here I am at Marc Jacobs. Imagine me, a country boy, sitting with all these sophisticated cats and GI Jane, watching fashion.

"Dummy keeps whispering in my ear things like 'write Floral,' or, 'use Elegant,' as the models keep walking by. They're totally Hott. Dummy just pinched me and told me to pay attention. My attention span is really short, so writing and listening and looking is kinda complex. That, and I can't spell. But that's okay, Dummy says, she'll do the "heavy lifting" for me, just like Cameron does for Justin, all I have to do is jot down some impressions and she'll form them into complete thoughts, because Mommy, I mean Dummy, says all I really need to do is look good and stay on the A-List, she'll take care of the rest.

"I keep thinking that, like, it would make such a great Punk'd to have the stage just fall apart so that the models fall through. Not that, like, I'd want anyone hurt, it would just make for great tv. If they cried that would be a plus. Then I could come out and be all like 'Yo, you got Punk'd, Supermodel!!!' And then I could hug them up and totally feel them up -- I'd be all up in that bitch -- but Dummy wouldn't know because it was, like, part of my job and shit.

"Dummy keeps whispering things like, 'pay attention,' and 'does baby need a burping.' She's all considerate and shit, not like Brittany Murphy, who, like, was a fucking psychopath.

"Anyhoo: Floral, Elegant. Dummy can fill in the rest. I'm checking out all the sweet ass.

"Hope the Olsen Twins are at the After Party.


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