Tuesday, December 13, 2005

On Golden Globe


(image via theworldjournal)


And how fucking distracting was Globe nominations presenter Kate Beckinsale's legs? (image via statesman)

The Corsair is not so outside so as not to know that the Golden Globes are essentially a meaningless award given by a dubious organization of silly little freaks. They're oily too, but we won't mention that. (The Corsair sparks up a Montecristo) Still, they do give off some momentum for the Oscars stretch.

Keeping that in mind, we are going to take on the nominations (Corsair pick in red):

Picture, Drama: "Brokeback Mountain," "The Constant Gardener," "Good Night, and Good Luck," "A History of Violence," "Match Point."

And, you might even get diagnosed with lung cancer by the end of the screening.

Actress, Drama: Maria Bello, "A History of Violence"; Felicity Huffman, "Transamerica"; Gwyneth Paltrow, "Proof"; Charlize Theron, "North Country"; Ziyi Zhang, "Memoirs of a Geisha."

We quote the always on-point Michael Musto: "Desperate Housewives' FELICITY HUFFMAN plays a transsexual in the upcoming mixed-bag film Transamerica, and at first I thought she was way too tasteful and subdued to register as anywhere approaching convincing. The trannies I know are generally good-time gals who run around screaming 'Ay, papi! My pussy's on fire!' while shaking tambourines and singing Madonna songs. But then I remembered having met some transsexuals of the type that want to pass for women (which they are) and do so with subtle body language and light makeup. Felicity nailed it."

Actor, Drama: Russell Crowe, "Cinderella Man"; Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Capote"; Terrence Howard, "Hustle & Flow"; Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain"; David Strathairn, "Good Night, and Good Luck."

It's Hoffman's world, people, we just live in it.

Picture, Musical or Comedy: "Mrs. Henderson Presents," "Pride & Prejudice," "The Producers," "The Squid and the Whale," "Walk the Line."

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Judi Dench, "Mrs. Henderson Presents"; Keira Knightley, "Pride & Prejudice"; Laura Linney, "The Squid and the Whale"; Sarah Jessica Parker, "The Family Stone"; Reese Witherspoon, "Walk the Line."

God bless Reese Witherspoon's giant nugget-sized head! The only casualty here will be Ryan Phillippe's rapidly diminishing manhood. Does he still have an office off Melrose? Does he still go there with his briefcase? What the fuck does he do all day? Scribble?

A propos of nothing --WTF: Sarah Jessica Parker?!

Supporting Actress: Scarlett Johansson, "Match Point"; Shirley MacLaine, "In Her Shoes"; Frances McDormand, "North Country"; Rachel Weisz, "The Constant Gardener"; Michelle Williams, "Brokeback Mountain."

We dig Rachel Weisz's sexy Jewish woman mojo (The Corsair sips an Armagnac with secondary wood aromas); she always looks as if she languidly stepped out of a Modigiani painting. And, we believe it will be Rachel Weisz's year at the Oscars as well. Best Supporting Actress Oscar usually goes to a hott starlet -- Jennifer Connelly -- or a stately elder actress at the end of an illustriuous career.

Supporting Actor: George Clooney, "Syriana"; Matt Dillon, "Crash"; Will Ferrell, "The Producers"; Paul Giamatti, "Cinderella Man"; Bob Hoskins, "Mrs. Henderson Presents."

We can't imagine a universe in which Matt Dillon is actually awarded for his work; similarly, we can't imagine a universe in which we'd actually pay $12 to see Bob Hoskins in anything.

Director: Woody Allen, "Match Point"; George Clooney, "Good Night, and Good Luck"; Peter Jackson, "King Kong"; Ang Lee, "Brokeback Mountain"; Fernando Meirelles, "The Constant Gardener"; Steven Spielberg, "Munich."

Woody Allen so goddam deserves this, if only to coerce him to veer clear of lightweight comedies which are so beneath a man of his stature, and to keep chasing American drama; a genre this country has far to few pursuing luminaries. But the dubious, oily chaps at the Hollywood Foreign Press were made for the jocular "Kong," no?

Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Match Point"; George Clooney and Grant Heslov, "Good Night, and Good Luck"; Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, "Crash"; Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, "Munich"; Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, "Brokeback Mountain."

None of the above: The Best screenplay of the year was "The Squid and the Whale," honorable mention to "Broken Flowers". But if we must pick: We'll go with Clooney. BTW: Did you know his aunt Rosemary Clooney was an angry drunk?

Drama Series: "Commander in Chief," ABC; "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; "Lost," ABC; "Prison Break," Fox; "Rome," HBO


Actress, Drama: Patricia Arquette, "Medium"; Glenn Close, "The Shield"; Geena Davis, "Commander in Chief"; Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"; Polly Walker, "Rome."

And we hope Polly Walker wears a sexy little number to fetch her award.

Actor, Drama: Patrick Dempsey, "Grey's Anatomy"; Matthew Fox, "Lost"; Hugh Laurie, "House"; Wentworth Miller, "Prison Break"; Kiefer Sutherland, "24."

Prison Break -- after Rome and the astonishingly well-written The West Wing -- is the smartest show on tv.

Series, Musical or Comedy: "Curb Your Enthusiasm," HBO; "Desperate Housewives," ABC; "Entourage," HBO; "Everybody Hates Chris," UPN; "My Name is Earl," NBC; "Weeds," Showtime.

Do we need to explain this vote?

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"; Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives"; Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"; Eva Longoria, "Desperate Housewives"; Mary-Louis Parker, "Weeds."

Mary-Louise, the woman Billy "What Was I Thinking" Crudup dumped for Claire Danes --! --if only that we can make "Golden Globe" breast jokes.

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Zach Braff, "Scrubs"; Steve Carell, "The Office"; Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm"; Jason Lee, "My Name is Earl"; Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men."

Don't you want to hear Jason Lee thank his son, Pilot Inspektor, on live teevee?

Miniseries or movie: "Empire Falls," HBO; "Into the West," TNT; "Lackawanna Blues," HBO; "Sleeper Cell," Showtime; "Viva Blackpool," BBC America; "Warm Springs," HBO.

Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Halle Berry, "Their Eyes Were Watching God"; Kelly MacDonald, "The Girl in the Cafe"; S. Epatha Merkerson, "Lackawanna Blues"; Cynthia Nixon, "Warm Springs"; Mira Sorvino, "Human Trafficking."

( A considerable pause; embarrassment) Yeah, okay, we watched Lifetime -- (Ironic quotes) "victim tv," if you will -- to see Mira Sorvino. She deserves the Globe, though; really and truly.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Naveen Andres, "Lost"; Paul Newman, "Empire Falls"; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"; Randy Quaid, "Elvis"; Donald Sutherland, "Commander in Chief."

The Piv ought to have won this a year ago.

No comments: