Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Paris Cheats on Paris in London

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Above: Whoopsie! (image via chadmuska.org)

The Mirror's 3AM Girls have been hunting Paris Hilton as she moves through the continent of Europe as if she were big game. From Cannes to London, they've stalked the increasingly "boozy" socialite-porn star-cryptoracist skank. And they've saved us some gibblets:

"This time, Paris didn't turn up at the launch for her self-titled scent at Il Bottaccio restaurant in the West End until 11pm.

"Her behaviour became increasingly bizarre until she left at midnight to go clubbing, and ended up dirty-dancing with model Sam Branson, son of Sir Richard.

"Yet earlier she was gushing to 3am about her love for latest boyfriend, Greek billionaire Paris Latsis."

See, and we thought Greek shipping heirs always trumped the children music entrepreneurs, no matter what title is involved. You learn something new every day.

"'I'm very loyal to my man,' Paris told us. 'I really missed Paris when I was in Cannes. I never even looked at any other men. We're not in any rush but we hope to start a family in two years.'"

Simultaneous Paris Hilton Translator (TM): After a fashion, Paris really is loyal to her man. The report stopped short of actual sex. She only cheats when he's not there. The loins want what the loins want.

"'I wanted to bring my chihuahua Tinkerbell with me, but we're not allowed to bring dogs to London.'"

Simultaneous Paris Hilton Translator: That was the reason Paris Latsis couldn't come. Haha. The dog's part rat. He'd fink me out to The Other Paris for a doggy treat and a bowl of Evian. I couldn't risk it.

"Straight after that odd comment, she did an impromptu dance on the stage to a Michael Jackson number, which involved flinging her arms around and rubbing her back against the wall."

Simultaneous Paris Hilton Translator (TM): ??? We give. Postmodern interpretive dance?

"Next, she mimed to her own unreleased song called Screwed, but couldn't remember the words.'"

"Paris then headed straight to the bar and ordered a Pink Paris cocktail - a tipple named in her honour made with vodka, grenadine, lime and lemonade.

"Our spy reveals, 'She took one sip and spat it out in the barman's face. She said it was horrible and asked for vodka and Red Bull instead, leaving the poor guy dejected.'"

Simultaneous Paris Hilton Translator (TM): The barman will dine out on the tale of the night he "made Paris spit up" for years to come.

"After an hour, and tired of being pestered for autographs, Paris left for Kabaret's Prophecy club.

"There she sat in a booth with 18-year-old Sam - who is set to inherit �1billion from his dad's Virgin empire - and it wasn't long before the pair were doing a raunchy dance routine."

Simultaneous Paris Hilton Translator (TM): The "raunchy dance" is Paris Hilton's naive but well-intentioned way of saying, "Isn't this club neat"? Flavio Briatore means the same when he sires out-of-wedlock babies.

"We hear: 'They were inseparable all night. Paris spent the evening grinding with Sam. They looked like they were really enjoying themselves.

"She knocked back Cristal champagne, tequila shots and more vodka. They were very touchy-feely with one another. Paris was dancing on her chair with him at one point. But she left the club at 4am with her pals."

Paris is really getting into "the happy juice" this European tour. Big time. We'll be chronicling the upcoming "Paris Hilton's Road to Betty Ford (TM)" special with rapt attention. The full story here.

For fresh, new posts with a bold splash of wit -- September 2010 -- check out The Corsair.

1 comment:

paige said...

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