Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Lobbyists: John Ashcroft Still Plays 'A Mean Game of Basketball'


Above: Fallen Uberlobbyist Jack Abramoff's "pleading eyes" (link via NyTimes Magazine)


Above: Contrast Meryl Streep's Oscarworthy "pleading eyes" (link via impawards)

Charmed, I'm sure, in the knowledge that John Ashcroft still has his "B-Ball" skills to fall back upon, because he played a fucking piss-poor game of politics in his final days in power. First, there was the ignominious defeat at the hands of what can only be properly construed as "a dead motherfucker". (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

Then ... there was the draping of that slutwhore "Justice," for the sake of Judeo-Christian modesty (As opposed to what? Julio-Claudian idolatry?). Marble "busts" (Averted Gaze)apparently caused Ashy's button-down-one-track mind a rather severe case of cognitive vertigo, putting salt in his game, throwing him off.

That unfortunate judgment was followed by a single tumultuous term as Attorney General of the United States (And, most telling, not being asked to "come on back now, y'hear?" by Bush and Co.). The curbing of individual liberties, that came and went, and -- finally -- with an Ascroftian sense of timing, the start of a new conservative lobbying firm right as "Lobbyists" are in the firing line and their role in the Great Washington Food Chain is being reassessed.

Hasn't Ashcroft ever heard of the name Jack Abramoff? All but condemned, that man is. He of the "pleading eyes." Doomed! Washington is a cruel bitch of a city that demands the sacrifice of one pariah per news cycle. Abramoff's doomed pleading eyes are not unlike Meryl Streep's in "The French Lieutenant's Woman." (Compare and contrast the two above at your leisure) So drama, this; so Washington (The Corsair pours himself a "girthy" Loire Valley Red and softly chuckles to himself). The present is the worst possible time to start a lobbying effort (even with a Cheney lackey in tow), especially as John McCain on the Senate Indian Affairs Committee (And those myopic fuckers didn't think McCain would be able to score home runs on the "Indian Affairs Committee," did they? How wrong they were) is about to create a new orifice for Abramoff under interrogation, jumpstarting his 2008 run for the Gold. Quoth Thehill:

"Ashcroft, a former Missouri senator and governor, and David Ayres, Ashcroft's long time chief of staff, will be the principles of the Ashcroft Group, LLC. Juleanna Glover Weiss, a lobbyist with Clark and Weinstock, and formerly an aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, will join them.

"The firm's goal is to provide 'strategic consulting, security and internal investigative services, and crisis counseling' to corporations, political coalitions and trade associations. Ashcroft has not yet announced whether they have signed any clients, although the spokesman said they expect to grow rapidly. The group will be searching for office space in Washington this week.

"Ashcroft, who will turn 63 next week, suffered from ill-health at the end of his tenure as attorney general, but he is recovered and still plays 'a mean game of basketball,' according to the company spokesman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity."

Yes, anonymity is best. (The Corsair perambulates at a leisurely pace) The Corsair would not want to go on record as saying that Ashcroft has game. In the Judicial "Courts," unfortunately, yes, Ash had great game; but nonono -- not on the B-ball "court. "

No. Simply saying Ashcroft had game would imply bad things about one's own game: it would imply sweaty and close competition on the courts with the warbling evangelical. And who wants to be seen as being "taken to the zone" (Averted Gaze) on the basketball courts by an evangelical zealot freakboy.

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