The Anna Nicole Diaries



Anna Nicole Smith is at it again (image via netscape). No, she's not whoring Trimspa, baby. Our favorite Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken employee, "writer" (Averted Gaze), is still scribbling all her jazz for that significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer. Her latest column, in fact, throws light on what happens when "to the trailer born" hosts dangerous social ambitions of rising above her "station" (I-95, to be precise). A tragedy, to be sure; she doesn't know her place (sniffs huffily). When last we left Anna Nicole, she was at The Grad Ole Opry, doing (Growing distaste at the conversation) ... what people do when they do that locale.

Now, Our Hero retires to a hotel, in her National Enquirer column:

"I couldn't wait to get home from my trip across the country. L.A. to New York to Nashville to Tennessee -- where the bus broke down -- to Memphis to New Mexico and finally back to L.A.

"Two weeks on a bus and in hotels really gets to you. And when you're on Highway 40 in the middle of nowhere, truck stops and fast food are pretty much your only options for eating."

Ah (The Corsair softly chuckles) ... "highway food." (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) Too quaint.

"(Although we did stop at the Cracker Barrel and food doesn't get much better than that!)

(The Corsair contemplates a most devastating Anna Nicole Smith "Cracker barrel" comment, then, sagely, considering his future in the media and a possible Mayoral run in the next 20 years decides against airing it)

"I missed my bed, my bathroom, my kitchen and most of all my privacy! I had people around me all the time -- I'm not talking about my son or my dogs either. I need them around. But my lawyer, my assistant, my crew -- sometimes I want a break from them. Anyway, when we got back, I kicked everybody out, went straight to bed, turned on the TV and threw the covers over my head. Peace at last -- but that perfect feeling lasted for all of about three seconds! The water in the toilet kept running and I didn't know how to stop it. Two of my dogs, Sugarpie and Marilyn, started fighting. Puppy, my other dog, got the runs. Let me tell you, when Puppy gets the runs it's not pretty."

OK, OK, that's enough Anna Nicole. We swear, one day we will get through an entire column ...

"... He walks around circles as he's doing the deed."

OK, OK, this is not the day that we will get to get all Otto Rank on Anna Nicole's untaxed, fetid mind disease. Why are we here in the first place? Anyway, we must move on.

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