A Little of the Old In and Out


In: Mickey Rourke's Distraught Bitchface. The Corsair is not going to say at the outset and out loud that Mickey Rourke's botched plastic surgery on display at Cannes this week made him look like a "distraught bitch" ... we'll just splash the bewildering photo up above and let the reader draw his or her own inference.



Above: With considerable effort, several uncomfortable minutes, loud groaning and, ultimately digital aid, Oz correctly answers the riddle, "What's 3 minus 2?"(image via cmi.ac)

Out: Midget Slavery. Jaded snarky blog readers who thought they have heard it all will be pleased at the discovery that there are still human vices left to sample. And, of course, Ozzy Osbourne has already beat us to the finish line. In an "ownership society," midget slavery shouldn't surprise. According to our favorite crimefighting-gossip duo, Rush and Molloy:

"Ozzy Osbourne remembers when he lost his patience with the midget Black Sabbath hired for a tour. 'He showed up late, he drank ... It got to me after awhile. So, one night, when he wanted to get on the tour bus, I threw him in the luggage compartment.

"Somebody grabbed me and said: 'What you're doing is not only illegal but it's inhumane.'"

A lone roadie voice of moderation and restraint among the Satanic prole horde. Afterwards, of course, they probably killed and smoked this man's remains in a giant antique hookah.

"(Ozzy) lost it. I yelled: 'He's my [bleeping] midget and I'll [bleeping] do what I want with him.' There was a silence and then a small voice emerged from the luggage compartment: 'He's right: I'm his midget and he can do what he wants with me.'"



Above: Charlie Rose ... the man, the myth, the drinking game. (image via smu)

In: The Upfronts. What are the upfronts? James Poniewozik of Time describes it thusly, "... The annual New York City ritual in which the major broadcast networks announce their schedules for next fall. Like all things televisual, the upfronts are a little bit about art and a lot about money."

Actually, they are almost completely about money (i.e. Impressing advertisers, creating ad buying buzz). Rounding out the upfront news in the blogosphere, we begin with the TVSquad, who are all up in this bitch. The big news, reported by Drudgie Poo, is that 60 Minutes 2 was cancelled (Man, this really isn't Dan Rather's millennium), allowing the always tired-looking Charlie Rose a chance get some slumber. We, ironically enough, achieve a consistent and most perfect watching Charlie Rose. (And dreaming of destroying Ann Coulter's ass)

On ABC this Fall, Geena Davis, that quixotic perennial longshot for Olympic archery gold, will be President. We ask because you won't: Is America truly ready for a President with pouty blowjob lips?

Defamer detects the cloven-hooved evil of CBS overlord Les Moonves' and his unholy love of the "18-49 demographic." Do you remember when CBS was the old folks' network, with such televised chloroform (Zzzz) as Murder: She Wrote and Trapper John, MD? The broken hip is all healed up nicely, and CBS now sports a slow, "pimp stroll." The only question we have is: How will NBC News steal Kelly Ripa is Hope and Faith is being re-upped by ABC for another season?



Above: Ms. Couric expresses her thoughts regarding all the Kelly Ripa as replacement chatter. (image via strangepolitics)

Out: The Today Show. Do viewers really prefer the "poised, creamy insincerity" of Diane Sawyer over Katie Couric's juicy, unblemished "gams"? Is this the beginning of the end of the present configuration at NBC's Today Show? Will hottie Kelly Ripa -- she of the shapely camel toe -- replace Katie? According to Drudgie poo:

"FLASH: CEREAL WAR: ABC 'GOOD MORNING AMERICA' WINS ALL MAJOR CITIES TUESDAY MORNING; NBC 'TODAY' SHOW ONLY TAKES SAN FRAN... 'GMA' MOST-WATCHED IN NYC, L.A., CHICAGO, PHILLY, DALLAS, BOSTON, DETROIT.... "

And, in further Katie-Today Show friction, Page Six reports:

"FORMER 'Today' executive producer Tom Touchet wasn't disliked by all at the NBC show ? just Katie Couric. To show his love and appreciation, 'Today' co-anchor Matt Lauer held a private dinner for Touchet last week at Primavera on First Avenue. 'It was held in a private room,' said our spy. 'Al [Roker] and Ann [Curry] were invited [but could not make it], and all the top brass came. Everyone but Katie, who was not invited.' A rep for 'Today' said: 'This dinner was a casual and informal dinner with Matt, Tom and a few 'Today' staffers. Al, Ann and Katie had nothing to do with it and all wish Tom well.'"