originally published Feb 25

President Bush and Dick Cheney: A Dialogue

It's no secret that Dick Cheney is not a popular man throughout the land. Even his daughter may have something to say about the Administration's ban on gay marriage. In fact, many consider him too powerful. But now that polls show Bush trailing potential challengers John Edwards and John Kerry, he may want to consider a stronger ticket. In other words, could Dubya ask Cheney to step down "for the good of the party"? You know, a "health related" stepping down. Is Bush powerful enough? Here's a little imagined dialogue of possibility:

Cheney: Mr. President?

Dubya: Good to see you, Dickster, hows the ticker doin'?

Cheney: Oh, fine, sir; got a clean bill of health.

Dubya: Oh, is that so (sly smile plays on his lips). Are ya sure you wouldn't want to take some time off?

Cheney: Sir?

Dubya: You know, like the entire second term.

Cheney: (dumbfounded) Wh-aat?

Dubya: Well, it's this war thing, Dickie, sorry to say. Nothing personal. If Kerry picks someone like former Senator Cleland and runs as a veteran who cares, then we are in deep doo doo. I can't run on a National Security platform down south if they start rallying vets against you for being such a goddamned chicken hawk

Cheney: But, sir, I object, I --

Dubya: No, I know you aren't a goddamned chicken hawk, Dick. Wouldn't have asked you to join the ticket if you were. But politics is about the perception. How else do you think I broke John McCain in South Carolina in 2000?

Cheney: But I was Defense Secretary --

Dubya: Speaking of that. Didn't you administer pop's First Persian Gulf War?

Cheney: (puffs up) Why yes, I did indeed.

Dubya: And who was the general in the field, he had a funny name. Polish or somethin'

Cheney: (nervous) Shwarzkopf, er ... Norman Shwarzkopf.

Dubya: (smiles) Stormin' Norman, I like that. See that, Dickie, we've already got a nickname for him.

Cheney: But, sir --

Dubya: And he's from Florida, isn't he?

Cheney: Uhm, yes, sir --

Dubya: Perfect (reaches for a pretzel). Him or Giuliani would be just the ticket for the ticket. Giuliani at the New York convention would be perfect. I'd campaign in the South, and Rudy would just stay right there in the tri state area of NY, Jersey and Connecticut.

Cheney: (desperation) But, if I may speak frankly, what about Wyoming, sir. You couldn't have swept that state without me on the ticket.

Dubya: I guess we'll just have to manage Wyoming's whopping three electoral college votes without ya, Dickster. A vacation is a good thing. Sound mind and all that.

Wishful thinking on The Corsair's part?