Friday, November 26, 2004

What's Eating Colin Powell?

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US Secretary of State Colin Powell kindasorta agreed last year, after so many double team wedgies at the hands of Rummy and Cheney ("weighing a combined weight od 600 pounds, from parts unknown ...") that he would stay on for a single term at State.

Then Arafat went on to Jesus, opening up a once in a lifetime opportunity for a US-brokered Middle East peace. Sweet. Only problem is, Bush liked the idea of putting the popular quasi-rogue Secretary of State out to pasture ("I have capital ..."). Colin was only really good for trips to the UN, and, well, who needs the UN?

"We are in mutual agreement that is was the appropriate time for me to move on," said Powell of his (Averted Gaze) "resignation."

Riight. But Powell's not bitter (cough cough). No, appearance and reality differ (cough cough). There are other reasons why Powell dropped the two "P-Bombs" this week. He's not bitter. But it was odd that the "P-Bombs" included that he:

1) Powell, "divulged raw secret intelligence from an Iraqi dissident group indicating Tehran was studying ways to deliver nuclear warheads on missiles." (Newsweek)

and, 2) He publicly said he (State?) did not recognize the Ukraine vote, giving Russia expert Condi Rice a big mess to clean up on (air quotes) "the diplomatic tip."

But ... Colin Powell's not bitter.

Here are some other things Powell is working on before his departure in 2005 (But ... he's not bitter) ...

3) Leaving all the toilet seats at the State Department up.

4) Calling the Japanese Finance Ministers, "economic girly men"

5) Commenting near an open mike -- accidentally, on purpose -- that Jacques Chirac is, "an excellent chocolatier," but he, "aint worth a damn as a statesman."

6) Warning that Chinese economic expansion, like their infamous cuisine, "will leave the Chinese people still hungry within a while ..."

7) Praise the Saudi Royal family for their efforts at improving the global economy, ensuring, "Russian whores fulltime employment."

8) Threaten nuclear diplomacy with Canada if they do not immediately recall annoying export Celine Dion.

9) Assure North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il that bilateral diplomatic relations between the two nations are bound to improve because Condi told him in private that she found the midget tyrant to be "a real slab of beef."

10) And, to complicate matters, "She'll love him long time."

11) Suddenly and violently bitchslapping German PM Gerhard Schroeder.

12) Offering British Prime Minister Tony Blair a dog yummy in front of "hot cameras" and rub his belly when he's all done.

13) Conceding that the French Foreign Ministry can "out cheese eat" their counterparts at State.

14) Appoint former Governor Jim McGreevy as special envoy to "the beaches of Rio De Janeiro."

But Powell is not bitter ...

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