Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I, Timberlake

Above: Quien es mas Macho? The Corsair has a c-spot down on the gnarly tweaker with the shortpants.

The Corsair is an omnivorous reader. We read anything and everything, from The Star, to Newton's Opticks, just so long as it doesn't bore us. Excitement is key to our Gemini sensibility. And so, we wait with patrticularly baited breath for the arrival of Justin Timberlake's mighty tome, his summa, his autobiography, because, well, you just know that the soulful singer of "Cry Me A River" has attained an unprecedented wisdom, that he has scaled impossible intellectual heights. Oh Justin Timberlake, alight the labyrinths of ignorance with the afterglow of your Divine Wisdom.

Ananova gives us the update on the pilgrim's progress:

"Justin Timberlake has delayed his eagerly-awaited autobiography because he wants to re-adjust chapters regarding his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears.

"The 23-year-old called publishers to change the self-titled book, shortly after the singer married dancer Kevin Federline in September, reports Teenhollywood.

"A source said: 'We hope he doesn't change too much as the first version was really amazing - although it may upset Britney.'

"Justin is currently filming Alpha Dog, with Sharon Stone and Emile Hirsch."

I, Justin

One can almost hear the scholarly, deathless, sepulchral voice in Latin, arising from the recesses of time, a tone that transcends any singular culture, heavy with wisdom, spiralling from every direction but speaking to the heart, intoning, gravely, "I, Justinian NSync Dewan Timberlake This-and-that-and-the-other (for I shall not trouble you yet with all my conquests) who was once, and not so long ago either, known to my friends and relatives and Lou Perlman as "Mr. Britney Spears," am now about to write the strange history of my life; starting from my earliest boy band and continued year by year until I reach the fateful point of change where, recently, I suddenly found myself caught in what I may call "the loins of Cameron Diaz" from where I have never since become disentangled.

"I have survived where defter pop stars have gone to Hades. And who, in the end, would have predicted that such a talentless white boy like me -- I am far beyond childish ego, Sibyl -- would survive whereas those who were once so mighty have all but been forgotten? Fortuna is a fickle mistress, dear reader, and memory, my friend, is recorded by those who survive.

"In my senectitude I have deemed it appropriate to devise a history of my illustrious family, which, in turn, is the history of pop culture. Walk with me while a while and I will tell you of how we came to be what we are and look with sadness upon what might have been for our Empire.

"That I have been able devise these chronicles in secret, against the prying eyes of spies and ambitious courtiers is a story in and of itself, a story that only, I Justinian, can tell.

"I ... Timberlake ..."

Oh cry me a river.


MiriamPolitico said...

That was the single most brilliant thing I have read all day.

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