Thursday, July 08, 2004

Time to Dump Cheney?

Originally published February 25th, I've tweaked this up a bit:

It's no secret that Dick Cheney is not a popular man throughout the land (a thousand pardon's to the all powerful Wyoming lobby). Even his daughter may have something to say about the Administration's ban on gay marriage. In fact, many consider him too powerful. But now that John Kerry has chosen the dynamic Senator John Edwards as his running mate, the President may want to consider a stronger ticket. In other words, could Dubya ask Cheney to step down (wink, wink) "for the good of the party"? You know, a (The Corsair makes ironic quotation marks with his fingers out of thin air) "health related" stepping down. Is Bush powerful enough? Here's a little imagined dialogue of possibility:

Cheney: Mr. President?

Dubya: Good to see you, Dickey, hows the old ticker doin'?

Cheney: (Taken aback) Oh, fine, sir; got a clean bill of health, yessiree, Mr. president.

Dubya: Oh, is that so (A Sly smile plays upon the President's lips). Are ya sure you wouldn't want to take some time off, Dick?

Cheney: -- S-Sir?

Dubya: You know, like, oh, the entire second term.

Cheney: (Incredulous) Wh-aat?

Dubya: Well, it's this war thing, Dickie, sorry to say. Nothing personal. Edwards is a professional vivisectionist, a trial lawyer, he'll draw and quarter you in a debate, Dick. I can't run on a National Security platform down south if Kerry starts rallying vets against you for being such a goddamned chicken hawk

Cheney: But, sir, I object, I --

Dubya: No, I know you aren't a goddamned chicken hawk, Dick. Wouldn't have asked you to join the ticket if you were. But politics is about (The President makes ironic quotation marks with his fingers out of thin air)the perception. How else do you think I broke John McCain in South Carolina in 2000?

Cheney: But I was Defense Secretary --

Dubya: Speaking of that. Didn't you administer pop's First Persian Gulf War?

Cheney: (puffs up) Why yes, I did indeed.

Dubya: And who was the general in the field, he had a funny name. Polish or somethin'

Cheney: (nervous) Shwarzkopf, er ... Norman Shwarzkopf.

Dubya: (smiles) Stormin' Norman, I like that. See that, Dickie, we've already got a nickname for him.

Cheney: But, sir --

Dubya: And he's from Florida, isn't he?

Cheney: Uhm, yes, sir --

Dubya: Perfect (reaches for a pretzel). Him or Giuliani would be just the ticket for the ticket. Giuliani at the New York convention would be perfect. McCain is a war hero too, and let's not forget Powell, everybody Loves Powell, he's better than that Ray Romano feller. But if I went with Rudy, I'd campaign in the South, and Giuls would just stay right there in the tri state area of NY, Jersey and Connecticut. (quietly calculating to himself) I'm pretty sure we could wrest Jersey away from the Blue states ...

Cheney: (desperation) But, if I may speak frankly, what about Wyoming, sir. You couldn't have swept that state without me on the ticket.

Dubya: I guess we'll just have to manage Wyoming's whopping three electoral college votes without ya, Dickster. A vacation is a good thing. Sound mind and all that. You know, that Al D'Amato's got sound political instincts.

Cheney: (Crestfallen) yes, sir --

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