Martha, Martha, Martha!

She's wined and dined with kings ... and queens. And she's lain in the gutter eating pork ... and beans. On New Year's, Martha "had a little funk in her." (The Corsair coquettishly smiles) Mandela-like, Our Martha has been confronted by -- not "punked out," mind you -- inmates, with page-boy haircuts no doubt, telling her "how it's gonna go down." (The Corsair does LA gangland hand symbols for emphasis) She may have had to throw down. We imagine her recipe for jailhouse alcoholic "sterno" does magnificent things with the odd fermented commisary fruit cup. But According to Lloyd Grove's Lowdown:



(image via SaveMarthaStewart.com)

"The jailed domestic diva - who's just a month away from completing her five-month sentence for lying about her sale of ImClone stock - has allegedly been doing business over the phone from West Virginia by speaking in code that can't be understood by prison officials."

"Conducting business in prison is a big no-no."

Then again, being a billionaire in prison is in and of itself a big no-no wrought with difficulty. Being such makes you the girl in high school that every boy wanted to ask out as soon as you walked through the gates of Gen Pop. Only ... (The Corsair gets and uneasy feeling) the suitors in such a moist Oz-like scenario ... will have none of the same manners as those boys about getting what they want ... and daddy isn't there to conduct Torquemada-like inquiries as to the motivations behind the date.

But we digress. One does what one must to conduct an Empire while in the big house. The "Omnimedia" thingie, though, definitely stank of Ancient Greek hubris. Not "Martha Stewart Media," mind you, it had to be "Omni. " What happens in jail stays in jail, right Martha?

"Us Weekly reports that the 63-year-old Stewart has been making frequent calls from Alderson Federal Prison Camp to a 'senior staffer' at her magazine Everyday Food, and that the two have 'pretend conversations about her dogs and her gardens that really relate to building and marketing the magazine.'"

Martha: So, Is the dog's coat fluffy for March?

Everyday Food Staffer: We're thinking of running some crispy fried chicken on the cover for March's Everyday Food, Martha ...

Martha: That's wonderful! Hows the pruning of the rhodedendrons?

Everyday Food Staffer: Some small staff changes, nothing you should be concerned about, boss.

Martha: Exquisite! And the tubers?

Everyday Food Staffer: We've given that writer the go ahead on spec for the potato salad faature for April.

Martha: -- And, that's a good thing!

And so on:

"The penalty for talking shop ranges from a slap on the wrist - losing phone privileges, for instance - to more sever punishments, such as transfer to a higher security facility or added time on a sentence."

"This is hardly the first time Stewart's conduct behind bars has raised questions: As Lowdown revealed last year, reality-television guru Mark Burnett - who has a deal with Stewart and NBC for an Apprentice-like reality show and a daily lifestyle show - paid her a four-hour visit in October. Burnett insisted at the time that they kept it strictly personal."

"'If we become aware that an inmate is conducting business from prison, it would be investigated,' prison spokeswoman Dawn Zobel told Lowdown yesterday. 'Depending on what determination is reached, it would be addressed through the disciplinary process.'"

"'The inmate would be the recipient of an incident report, which is a documented report of the incident. That would be reviewed by the unit disciplinary team. There's a fine line between something being a rules infraction and being a criminal issue - every type of investigation is evaluated on individual merit.'"

Yo, Lloyd Grove, chill out, no one likes a stoolie. Martha's just handling bidness.