Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Paris Hilton to Host SNL

Racist-pornstar-skank-pseudosocialite Paris Hilton will host SNL. Did we mention the forthcoming Hustler pictorial? Charmed, we're sure. We know real socialite's Paris Hilton, our blog wife, the magnificent Miu Von Furstenberg would eat your lunch, Miss Thang. No word on whether Paris' rat dog tecup chihuahua, Tinkerbell will co-host. According to Reuters:

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(image via Gothamist)

"Paris Hilton can add host of 'Saturday Night Live' to her resume, which includes reality TV star, actress, singer, author and jewelry designer.

"Hilton will host Saturday's show, with British band Keane as the musical guest, NBC said Tuesday.

"She previously appeared on 'SNL' in a tongue-in-cheek interview with Jimmy Fallon on the show's 'Weekend Update' segment."

Whose tongue and what cheek is in question. As is our custom, we'd like to submit some sketch ideas:

The Tinkerbell Diaries: A cartoon skit in which the missing week or so of Tinkerbell's life on the road last summer is examined, the full sketch here:

"Saturday, August 14: I've run away from Paris. I'm headed to Mexico to find my Chihuahua roots. As I write this with shivering paws, I am on the road, like Kerouac only without opposable thumbs, and the soundtrack to my life has an off-the-chain feel to it, Southern crunky fire. I feel like Max Von Sydow's Knight, Antonius Bloch in the Seventh Seal playing chess with death."

"Tuesday, August 17: Narrowly avoided an unscheduled trip to the pound. Picture the following: the dogcatcher was out in rare form today. I was rapping to this little bitch when the flow of my discourse was firmly arrested by a crudely crafted lasso that just narrowly missed my neck. Fuck. I hauled ass as fast as I could, as you can imagine, but, as you know, chihuahua legs are short. Progress was dodgy. I managed to duck into an empty tin of sardines, and the dogcatcher rushed by. The bitch was not so lucky."

The Simple Life: Tina Fey and Paris Hilton go to some bucolic little red state to do farmwork. Quite possibly a dairy farm. Lots of comedic potential here. Salt of the earth rural types coping with those two urban divas. "No, I don't know how to make Esspresso." That sort of thing. Tina. Paris. The possibility of some wild pig stimulation. You do the math.

A Night In Paris: Kenan Thompson shares his "GoodBurger" with Paris in a grainy amateur porn video:

Finesse Mitchell: So, what's it like being an "American in Paris"?

Kenan: (Worldly; Smoking Pipe) It seemed to me, then, serene and triumphant, a reminder that the world was an older and better place than anyone knew, that mankind in its long passion had learned another wisdom than his. By chance I "went to Paris" -- so to speak -- again, a second time, in the first autumn of the war; it had softened and faded in the intervening years, but it still spoke in the pure, authentic accent of its prime and, that day, it whispered faintly, but in the same lapidary phrase, the same words of hope."

Finesse: Damn, that's some serious coochie!

Keenan: indeed it is, my friend; (faraway look) indeed it is ...

Paris Hilton Opening Monologue: Wearing an Eat the Rich shirt, Paris Hilton introduces Lloyd Grove, announcing that she has gotten her high school diploma, thanks to the tutoring of Maya Rudolph, and would like to have her Lowdown privileges returned.

Paris Shuns Friendships with Females: Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch inquire as to why Paris doesn't trust women. A homoerotic 3-way ensues. Tastefully done, soft focus, Sapphic love. No, not that this has nothing to do with comedy, it's just something that might be interesting to watch. Okay, to me. Whatever.

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