Martha Punked Out!

The Corsair has oftentimes wondered -- sometimes aloud, more often than not soaked in Cutty Sark at last call at the neighborhood bar telling the bartender how much he loves her-- about just which media outlet would be able to infiltrate "Camp Cupcake" to give us our daily dose of MarthaMarthaMartha. Who indeed? Ask and ye shall receive, true believers. That significant cultural artifact The National Enquirer apparently has an inside mole in the West Virginia prison (National Enquirer is a classy paper).

In fact, this'>this National Enquirer story is fucking mindblowing. They did good.

You might want to sit you ass down for this one. Smoke em if you've got 'em:

"To keep from getting attacked in prison, Martha Stewart is offering to include the recipes of fellow inmates in a future cookbook, insiders say.

"As an added measure of protection, Martha is also agreeing to clean the bunks of her new pals!"
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-- Martha Stewart has been "punked out."

"Although Martha put out a statement on her Web site saying that prison is 'fine...pretty much what I anticipated,' The ENQUIRER learned exclusively that the 63-year-old domestic diva was confronted by tough inmates at the Alderson, W.Va., federal lockup where she's begun her five-month sentence."

Sinister. How much do you want to bet this gang of four didn't look like the cast of Desperate Housewives?

"'A gang of four inmates cornered Martha in a recreation room,' an insider told The ENQUIRER.
"'They didn't physically rough up Martha, but did make it very clear that the next five months of her life would be spent in their world, where certain unwritten rules would have to be followed."

And "their world" does not include "bewitching Halloween eggs"

"Two of the inmates got right in Martha's face and warned her they were the ones who called the shots inside Alderson, while two others stood with their backs turned and watched for guards.

"They filled her in on prison's one-strike rule, which simply means Martha will be given only one warning about those inmates she's expected to obey.

"If she gets out of line and doesn't heed their first warning, then they promised there will be hell to pay for strike two!

And it won't involve "perfect pie crust every time"

"All Martha could do was stand there and nod her head in agreement. She paid close attention as they explained the special favors she would sometimes be expected to provide--laundry, making their beds and buying supplies for them from the commissary."

Read the whole story here.

How long before Martha's on sale for three Mars bars and a pack of Pall Malls?