The Cheney-Edwards Drinking Game

1 Drink if:

Senator Edwards scores rapid rhetorical points within the first five minutes of the debate, thus "beating the Vice President like a monkey."

Vice President Dick Cheney thanks Ohio and Case Western Resrerve before Senator Edwards does.

Vice President Dick Cheney makes a hair remark to lighten things up, like: "Senator Edwards does indeed have 'pretty hair like a pony,' as the SNL skit notes," Or, if a scenario like this unfolds:

"Moderator Gwen Ifill: Could you say something nice about your opponent? "

"Cheney (running fingers dramatically through his sparse silvery locks up top): The Senator has a wonderful head of hair."

Vice President Cheney mentions an obscure but strategically important nation and challenges Edwards if he has any idea about the name of its Prime Minister.

2 Drinks If:

Cheney is called upon to defend his vote against the Equal Rights Amendment for women or his 1986 vote against a resolution that called for U.S. recognition of the African National Congress in South Africa.

Edwards mentions "North Carolina," "working class" or -- yawn -- "the corporations" or, more likely than not, in Gemini fashion: "Two Americas."

Cheney emits at any point during the course of the debate a sinister "witchlike cackle"

3 Drinks If:

Haliburton is mentioned.

Or: (Each and every time)

The candidates praise each other's choice in wives.