Ted Casablancas and Casablanketyblank

Nobody does it better. Ah, the art of saying nothing tantalizingly, that is the peculiar art that is performed daily online by E! television's Ted Casablancas. Sometimes E! Online gossip Ted Casablancas is very hard to understand, is all I'm saying ... and that is precisely how he likes to play his game; the harder it is do decipher what I call Casablanketyblank, the harder it is to figure out The Awful Truth: that Teddy's online column is a very thin gruel indeed, with little in the form of tasty scoop.

Teddy Casablancas speaks a strange language all his own, one part LA -- or, as he calls it "Hell A", and one part just plain wierd. He speaks in a breathy tone of familiar first names, suggesting insider knowledge, drawing you in, holding your attention with the surnames, making you cool by implication because you are hip enough to Tom and Nic and Cameron and Justin and Charlize. Then, when he has our rapt attention, our cool by implication shared gaze, Teddy spins us left and right, dropping a snarky hint, and then, just as quickly, withdrawing it, covering his ass by taking the devil's advocate position and, before you know it, you know exactly as much about the stars as when you did when you began reading his column, that fruitless task once perceived as so rewarding.

In the following snatch of Casablanketyblank, I think Teddy's saying that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's people are on the way to some brokered "get together." Either that, or Tom and Nicole do not want to get back together. You see what I mean: how fucked up his game is? Seriously Teddy, have you ever considered a career at the State Department? The UN? Cause, you've got skillz man:

"Tom and Pen�lope, according to Camp Nicole, are having troubles of their own that have nothing to do with their amorous feelings--or lack thereof, perhaps--for each other. Further clandestine chitchat led me to the following conclusion:

"I think we have another Justin-Cameron sitch on our hands. In other words, some members of Nicole's inner circle are so against Ms. K. reuniting with Mr. C. that I'd bet the hookup never takes place. It's that contentious.

"Similar sorry sitches occur between Just 'n' Cam, as I've alerted you previously.

"And before everybody starts bemoaning the above couple's expected split, just remember: Paris 'n' Nick rose again like the Phoenician fun-lovers they are, right? Okay, maybe it was just a little minispark, but you get the detracting drift, I'm sure."

I'm sure