Saturday, March 06, 2004

Media: Left Behind

"Without any warning, passengers on an airborne Boeing 747 mysteriously disappear from their seats. Nothing remains except rumpled piles of clothing. Terror and chaos reign worldwide as the cataclysm unfolds. For those left behind, the apocalypse has just begun."


Tim LeHaye and Jerry Jenkins' turgid, ridiculous novel, Left Behind has gotten major publicity lately as the holidays near, the newsweekly magazine's clamor, and Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ tops the box office. Of course, the "leftist blue state media cultural elite" remain skeptical. But should they? What would happen if The Rapture came to  the Wednesday's lunch crowd at Michael's? We wonder ... (dreamy music)
Dramatis Personnae:
Christopher Hitchens: Surprisingly whisked away, leaving behind a tumbler full of Johnny Walker Black.

The pervasive soullessness of the HuffPo was cited in Arianna Huffington being Left Behind.

Bill Keller: Left behind. Everyone in heaven thought his Julian Assange piece was overwrought.

Anna Wintour: Whisked to heaven. Bob Marley put in a good word for the editrix.
Elizabeth Spiers: Whisked to Heaven; the patron saint of bloggers.
Nick Denton: Left behind, gloriously, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
Henry Blodget: After a rough start he is whisked away to heaven for his second act. God always makes way for late vocations.

Tim Russert: Whisked upwards to a celebratory dinner with Pat Moynihan, Pope Leo XIII, Kierkegarrd and Disraeli, all of whom have already began on the peppery cognacs, all the while making acute observations on the unfolding scene.
Rachel Sklar: Already one step ahead of you, networking with the movers and shakers in The Empyrean (Heaven's VVIP Room).
Bonnie Fuller: Mysteriously vanished, to heaven, to better press, leaving sandwich crumbs to the consternation of her bitchy detractors.
Lockhart Steele: Will soon be blogging on the real estate doings of the city in the clouds.

Howie Kurtz: Whisked to heaven in time to sup with Eric Sevareid and Marshall McLuhan.
Rupert Murdoch: Take a guess ..
David Simon: St Peter asked him why so many influentials who loved The Wire never did anything about the bleak urban situation on earth just before admitting him to Heaven.

Graydon Carter: mysteriously vanished, leaving Saville Row suit and Winston Light cigarette ashes.

Don Imus: Left behind. Way behind. God didn't like his face.
Howard Stern: Left behind for asking Princess Diana at the pearly gates when she lost his virginity ..
Felix Dennis: left behind and proud of the fact, yelling at the sky "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."

Jim Romenesko: Whisked to heaven leaving behind thousands of anxious journos with no place to get their hot media scoop.

Harry Evans and Tina Brown: One whisked away heavenward, one left behind, creating a bit of an Event-oid in the media.

Donald Trump: You fucking kidding me? Left behind. serves on the boards of director's of several of the Antichrist's companies. Has several lucrative subcontracting gigs with Iblis. Reciting elegiacal couplets.
Dick Parsons: Whisked away; Gerald Levin: Left Behind

Roger Ebert: Wisked Away; Roeper: Left Behind
Marty Peretz: Left Behind. When God Himself wrote a letter to TNR to explain the decision, Peretz heavily edited it.
Eric Alterman: Surprising everyone, he is Left Behind.
Ralph Nader: Left Behind; Nader retaliates by running for God in 2012.

Kurt Anderson: Kurt finally has a chance to write about Celestial Architecture.

Christiane Amanpour and Jamie Rubin: Later this week, Amanpour reports on living conditions in Hell and possible breaches of Canon Law in the treatment of devils.
Martha Stewart: Surprisingly whisked away at the end of her prison term after finding Jesus at Club Fed. Offers splendid tips on the beautification of Heaven and cleaning the pearly gates.

Dennis Miller: Oh, God, Left Behind. In the Divine Plan, he will have a show, in primetime, that will serve as punishment for the perverse nature of fallen man left behind.

Michael Hirschorn: Whisked away to heaven. In charge of Ultimate Reality programming featuring the best -- and not the worst -- in humankind on the other side.

Charlie Rose: Whisked heavenward, whereupon he immediately gravitated towards the high rollers -- the St. Peter crowd. Still hoping to interview The Big Guy.

Katrina Van Den Heuvel: Whisked away to a better place with higher human rights standard.

Les Moonves: Left behind and soon headed for the place that smells like egg salad 24/7

Bill Kristol: Left behind to search for wepons of mass destruction.

Chris Matthews: Surprisingly whisked away, only to get on the nerves of FDR, constantly interrupting ...

Diane Sawyer: Left behind on account of "poised, creamy insincerity"

Andre Leon Talley: whisked away leaving a fabulous wardrobe.

Richard Johnson: Whisked away. Word is he knew something on someone manning the velvet rope

Michael Wolff: Whisked away, but immediately gets into arguments with several people at the entrance.

Michael Musto: Whisked to heaven, where he was immediatley  fitted with a fab pair of wings.
Jon Stewart: Left behind to head up the resistance in the media to the antichrist, then whisked up angelically in a whirlwind of light before the Rapture.
Bill Mahar: Surprisingly whisked away to heaven, but is still bitter that it occurred just as his HBO show was a critical hit.
Geraldo Rivera: Left behind, but makes the best of his time and ambition, chasing the antichrist for an exclusive.

Steven Colbert: Whisked heavenward; his irony kept the spirits up in heaven during the gloomy Bush years.

David Patrick Columbia: Now reporting on the highest of the highest orders of Reality.
Liz Smith: whisked away to heaven, where she landed a dinner seat between Petronius and Marcel Proust.
George Stephanopoulos: Surprisingly left behind, drinking the black wine of Cahors, elixir of Popes, Playing an eerie tune on a reed pipe in homage to the antichrist!