Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Michael Steele: "This Change, My Friends, Is Being Delivered In A Teabag"

Leaving aside entirely the fact that people who use the phrase "my friends" tend to be seriously creepy -- or the GOP Presidential candidate -- Michael Steele delivered his own message of change to the ass-dragging, fallen-down Republican Party. You have to have some semblance of human sympathy for Steele. A functioning democracy needs opposing forces. Michael Steele has to somehow give theme to a rambunctious pudding of seething Southern hate, Evangelical apocalyptic and dumb-asses with goddam "tough guy" issues (for further reference see Pat Buchanan).

("Yaffle-Daffle!" image via miaminewtimes)

So -- what is he to do? Well, speechify. Steele is good at that. Rouse the troops and all that shit. Make some motherfucking noise, we suppose. Whatevs. What else can he do? The brother wasn't just given a lemon, he was given a wormy, bruised Republican Party, brimming with a sour, aging demographic that is shrinking every year as that constituency begrudgingly joins the Grim Reaper's entourage. The Republican Party has no chic.

Before Steele won that squeaker for the RNC job, Michael Steele was a marginally successful talking head (and, we cannot fail to note, a significantly unsuccessful Maryland politician). His latest? From The Baltimore Sun:

"Michael Steele gave a much anticipated speech Tuesday afternoon in which he was expected to reboot his chairmanship of the Republican National Committee, and perhaps the party itself. He promised the that 'the era of apology for Republican mistakes of the past is officially over,' declared that 'we're going to take the president head-on' and boasted that the Republican comeback is already under way.

"But, speaking to state GOP chairmen at the National Harbor development in Prince George's County, he failed to reach beyond tired party platitudes to any sort of actual road map for Republicans to dig themselves out of the electoral hole in which they find themselves.

"He pledged that the GOP would, once again, be the party of ideas, but he failed to mention any. He said the times are grave -- 'This is serious; families are suffering and businesses are closing' -- and argued repeatedly that Obama was making them worse by ramping up federal spending. What the Republicans would do instead to help those families and businesses, he didn't say."

But it sure sounded pretty. It soothes the savage beast that is the republican party in the Southwest, in Alaska, and south of the Mississippi. Further, Steele said at one point of this new Republican era of change, "This change, my friends, is being delivered in a teabag, and that's a wonderful thing."

Positively Fucking Earl Grey! Despite the fact that Anderson Cooper has repented on his savaging the Republicans for their clueless use of a very -- how does one say this? -- sexually forward practice (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment), we have not taken that pledge. And so here are some corrolaries to Steele's message that the Republican Party's brand of "Change" will be delivered in a "teabag":

"This change, my friends, will be carried on the wings of an Angry Dragon. And that’s a wonderful thing.”

"This change is being propelled by the music from a Rusty Trombone ..."

"This change, my friends, will be travel from sea to shining sea aboard a Cleveland Steamer."

"This change will fall upon us like a golden shower."

Well... you get the highdea.

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