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Monday, May 11, 2009

Michael Phelps, Pot, Threesomes, "Soft Tacos"



Frankly, there is nothing particularly extraordinary in the "revelations" of Baltimore stripper Theresa White that Michael Phelps is, for all intents and purposes, just a typical heterosexual male who will: a) not turn down the opportunity for a sordid threesome with strippers if offered, b) has a fridge full of suds and, c) is frugal with his cash-stash and would probably rather eat fast-food than Fillet Mignon, at least until a woman of taste and substance in the near-future teaches him otherwise, rescuing him from the phantasmagorical debauch of blissful irresponsibility that is American bachelorhood (The Corsair pours himself a peppery cognac).

The fact that Phelps, an Olympic record-holder, has marathon sex-sessions, though, is interesting from an anthropological perspective. Basketball players, and rock stars and their offspring too have been chronicled as having larger-than-normal sex stamina (And, we imagine, Broadway dancers as well). It has to do, partially, with lung capacity and the marathon endurance of their professions; it is, in a word -- animale. But what about Olympic swimmers who do gravity bong hits? Is there any recorded anthropological data on the behavior of that species, sheetwise? From the extremely downmarket Newsoftheworld:

"Theresa, just five feet tall and dwarfed by 6ft 4ins Phelps, recalled how they first met at a strip club where she works in his home town of Baltimore, Maryland, on a drunken night out last November-the same month our famous bong pictures were taken.

"...He said he liked short girls and I thought that was funny because he's so tall. At the his place we started playing drinking games. Two hours later I was pretty drunk and I went up to Michael and said, 'If you were to have a threesome tonight, who would you like it to be with?' He told me he'd never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl.

"'Everybody else stayed put while we went upstairs and jumped into bed.

"'The sex lasted for about three hours. Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!'

"...Strangely, Phelps always refused to take Theresa out in public on a proper date-apart from one time he treated her to a 'value deal' meal at Mexican fast food chain Taco Bell. 'That was it,' she said. 'He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he'd take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city's swankiest restaurants, but it never happened. And he's supposed to be a millionaire!

"'I never saw his medals either. He doesn't have a lot of stuff in his house. It's bare, there's no food. Just a pantry full of candy and a fridge full of beer.'"


Just your typical Olympic gold medalist millionaire stoner. Nothing to gawk at, people.

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