Morley Safer's Knees "Weren't What They Were .."

(image via aikenspro)

We love us our 60 Minutes, yes we do. It's like crack-rock without the unfortunate medicinal byproduct of making one's ass concave. (Averted Gaze) That is, of course, we love 60 Minutes when they are not engaging in their fortnightly "athlete on drugs" segments. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) We can't figure out how anyone -- even the most rabid sports enthusiast -- could get into yet another dumb-as-rocks athlete getting lacrymose and bitchish about how drugs fucked them up.

Stupid ass lightweights.

Anyhoo: TVNewser hipped us onto this fetching little chestnut from the Philly Enquirer about those other Methuselans at Black Rock, those not named Mike Wallace, the one's that won't retire until they shuffle off the mortal coil on air. The Corsair is talking about Andy "Looney" Rooney, and that pharaonic mortician, Morley "Canada Dry" Safer. Testify:

"Now that Mike Wallace, about to turn 88, has announced his retirement in May, will the next two eldest 60 Minute-men follow suit?

"No and no.

"Curmudgeon-in-residence Andy Rooney, four months Wallace's junior, and correspondent Morley Safer, 74, both say they have no intention of going gentle into that night anytime soon.
Wallace said Tuesday that he will step down as a regular 60 Minutes correspondent at the end of this season - his 38th. As CBS's correspondent emeritus, he'll be a utility fielder for any show requesting his services.

"'I won't go unless they ask me to,' says Rooney, in his 28th season of quirky, observational commentaries. 'I don't think they will. I still seem to be able to think of something to say.'
Besides, 'I don't think I make enough money to concern them. Mike makes four times as much as I do... . I think they're pleased to get rid of his salary. They're so conscious of money.'"

Oh, and you're not Andy? Word on the street has it that Andy Rooney pinches pennies so hard Abe Lincoln squeals!

Moreover, we find it acutely amusing that Gail Shister calls what Andy does, "quirky, observational commentaries," and not what they are in fact, namely: "extended bathroom breaks for viewers." (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned d etachment) But wait, peasblossom, there's more:

"It's a Social Security crowd, not exactly an aphrodisiac for advertisers.

"The average age of a 60 Minutes viewer is close to 65 - one year younger than the average age of the correspondents.

"After Wallace, Rooney and Safer, there's Dan Rather (also 74); Bob Simon, Lesley Stahl and Ed Bradley (all 64); Steve Kroft (60); Scott Pelley (48); and Lara Logan (34.)
Executive producer Jeff Fager, 51, says age is of no concern to him, with one exception: 'We haven't grown enough young correspondents.'"

As we speak, the cloning batches at BlackRock are being fired up again. Acts against Nature are occurring at irrational intervals. "Make me up another frosty Lara Logan clone," one can almost hear Sean McManus saying, as the shrouded Les Moonves oversees the operation in a menacing silence. The story continues:

"... Over time, 'we'll replace people when we have to,' Fager adds. (Note: NBC's Katie Couric is expected to report for 60 Minutes if/when she joins CBS as anchor of Evening News. At 49, she'd be third-youngest of the bunch.)

"... Safer doesn't worry. 'My knees aren't what they were and all that, but I don't feel in any way limited to do any kind of story. Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm nicely rewarded and on the edge of anything I want to be on.'"

Thanks for sharing about the knees, Morley. That nasty visual is going to haunt us until Easter.

The unexpurgated report here.