TomKat to Wed at Mehico Ritz-Carlton



"From the Eternal Sea he rises/ Creating armies on either shore/ Turning man against his brother/ Until man exists no more." (image via gawker)

The unexpected and sudden appearance of L. Ron's spawn so prominently bulging forth has sped up the TomKat timetable considerably. (The Corsair sips a chilled glass of grappa; fondly contemplates the blog wife) According to the 3AMGirls:

"TOM Cruise and his fiancee Katie Holmes are planning a shotgun beach wedding at the end of next month - at the super exclusive Ritz-Carlton in Cancun, Mexico.

"The couple recently announced they are expecting a baby and are now in a huge rush to tie the knot.

"While Katie, 26, wants to get hitched before her bump gets too noticeable, her 43-year-old beau is also keen to make things official before the arrival of their little bundle of joy.

"A source close to the couple tells us they first chose the hotel four months ago - long before Katie discovered she was pregnant.

"'Tom's old fashioned,' our spy tells us. 'He wants his child to be born in wedlock. He's very romantic and wants everything to be in place before the birth.'"

Will twentysomething Scientology "minder" Jessica Rodriguez be giving the bride away? (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

"'Katie didn't know that she was pregnant, so their arrangements suddenly had to be scrapped. She didn't realise she would show quite so quickly and she's been getting stressed about the whole idea of walking down the aisle with a bump.'"

Neither did they know that Scientological Immaculate Conceptions grow at a geometric rate. The bump will be going to college next trimester. World domination in the last stages of pregnancy.

"'It's turning into a total nightmare,' continues our mole. 'Tom is insisting on having the entire hotel for the weekend. He's not taking any chances and wants their day to be ultra-private.

"'But a hotel like the Ritz- Carlton fills up months in advance and trying to sort out changing people's reservations is a logistical nightmare.'"

The full story here.