The Zeta Jones Stalker

African-Americans generally don't stalk. It's not what we do. Too much planning involved. We are a spontaneous, improvisational people, taking life as it comes along, and having to stalk an ex-lover or a star is just too goddam complicated. We like Prince, but I'll be damned if I'm going to follow them around the country. We can't be bothered. We're easy like Sunday morning.

So, imagine my surprise to learn that Catherine Zeta Jones' stalker, one Dawnette Knight, threatened the Welsh Academy-Award winning actress, claiming she would "'slice her up like meat on a bone."

Gee, does that mean that Catherine is the gristle? Ahem. Sorry. Bad taste. Stalking is no laughing matter, especially when a crazy person is threatening to make Welsh rabbit out of one of our national treasures. And, before she gets all Julia Child with the ginsu, just why -- I ask -- is Zeta Jones worthy of such ire?

David K Li of the NY Post gets to the, uhm, marrow of it:

"Testifying in a preliminary hearing against Dawnette Knight, whom police said mailed violent death threats, Zeta-Jones remained composed even when instructed by the prosecutor to read the letters into the record.

"'We will kill Catherine Zeta-Jones soon!' read one letter, dated Feb. 11, that Zeta-Jones recited.
"The 35-year-old Welsh actress likened the letters to terrorism."

But how can she be a terrorist when she's not even the bomb? (drum roll)

"'This has affected my whole family, my 87-year- old father-in-law, my children, my nannies, my staff,' she said. 'It will affect me for the rest of my life.'"

As usual, Mrs. Zeta is playing The Contessa, a role to which she is distinctly ill suited to play, despite the Oscar on her mantle. The fucking nannies -- plural?! What the fuck, Zeta, what-the-fuck.

If you will remember, true believer, Zeta made the preposterous claim that Hello! Magazine caused "stress, loss of income and damage to their professional careers because of the poor quality wedding photos." In typical Hollywood-surreal fashion, with roccoco excess, the Douglases sued for $3.6 million. And won. Livin' la Vida Loca.

"(Zeta Jones) read parts of all 22 letters. The note to (Barbara) Walters was the most graphic:

"'When we finish with this bitch/whore, she will not be this pretty face actress. You won't be able to recognize her in her cassket! [sic]'"

Well, whatever one can say about Dawnette, she is an inventive speller, no? And in the end, isn't it all about how imaginatively you played this game of Life? .... no? No, I suppose not. And what's up with sending a letter to Babs Walters? Like what is Barbara Walters going to do about it, do a View segment on pretty faced actresses who marry up socially? I mean isn't that the thrice married Barbara Walter's modus operandi to a tee? She invented that game, honey (1st Husband: Robert Henry Katz, business executive; marriage annulled; 2nd Husband: Lee Guber, theatrical producer; married December 8, 1963; divorced 1976; 3rd Husband: Merv Adelson, CEO of Lorimar Television; married 1986; divorced 1992) Barbara Walters is O.G. in that game.

"Another letter was disguised as a simulated funeral program.

"'The bitch never did a good deed,' it said. 'Thanks for nothing, you Welsh bitch . . . whore gold-digger.'" (link via TMFTML)

Aww. Why'd she have to bring up the Welsh? Don't be that way, Dawnette. Welsh is good people.

"Another letter added, 'She will be dead before she'll be able to blink an eye. Michael can finally be happy with his kids when the bitch is dead.'"

Inside, outside ... livin' la vida loca ....

"One letter, dated Oct. 2, 2003, mailed to Kirk Douglas, read:

"'You need to let Catherine know that if she hurts Michael, I will hire people to kill her whore ass. If she loves life, [tell her to] treat Mike right.'"

Livin La vida loca ...