Saturday, July 31, 2004

Christian Slater: ChickenPox Gate

Christian Slater, he who wore a Nixon mask on Thursday, has apparently come down with Chicken Pox!

Most curious, in an almost David Lynchian way, this turn of events. According to the BBC:

"Slater, 34, was taken ill on Friday while rehearsing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in London.

"However, its producers remain hopeful he will recover in time to appear in the first performance on 6 August.

"The show had earlier lost its director when Guy Masterson quit the production, blaming stress and family illnesses.

"'Felix Dexter, a member of the cast, was struck down with chicken pox in the second week of rehearsal,' said producer Nica Burns on Saturday.

"Christian and company are in fantastic spirits."

"Nica Burns 'We had hoped that the rest of the cast had escaped it, but yesterday Christian was taken ill and it is confirmed today that he has it.' "

What the fuck?! Let's drink this *alleged* preposterousness in for a minute, shall we? And, while we're drinking (A distraught Corsair haphazardly sips an alluring aged champagne from his icy pimp goblet, to settle his nerves, you know), let's not make assumptions about this, but use logic, like William of Baskerville, played by Sean Connery in The Name of the Rose, which also starred, yes, the man in question, Christian Slater.

Our boy Christian was at Stringfellows strip club on Thursday night wearing a Nixon mask, that we know! He wouldn't take said mask off and, as a result, was asked to leave. The mask is out of character for Christian, as he usually just goes there 'as is.' Often.

Now, the argument can be made that Christian put the mask on for fear that the press would discover him leaving the club, and his wife might beat his ass up. Again. And, to be sure, the London press has been riding him hard on his visits to the ecdysiasts.

Solid argument, that, except, Slater was already inside the club. In private, where, ostensibly, no one has a camera, he didn't remove the mask, even when asked, he voluntarily left the club rather than demask. Bouncers are on the lookout for cameras at a strip club -- to protect the dancers and the married men, you know, fairly serious protocol ... or so they tell me. Ehr. Not that I am expert in this sort of arcana, just so you know.

Anyhoo, I'm not laying down any charges here, I don't want a lawsuit, couldn't handle the lawsuit, really, but isn't this an odd coincidence? And was a highly contagious Christian at risk of spreading contagion to the ecdysiasts? When did he know he had chicken pox, that is front and center, people, in chickenpoxgate.

For shame, if he knew and thought the grim, jowly image of Tricky Dick would provide ju-ju capable of conquering the contagion!

According to the Indiana University Health Center Online:

"Chicken pox is contagious through direct contact with the fluid in the blisters and by airborne droplets that are inhaled. Incubation period is 7-21 days. A person is contagious from 1-2 days before the rash appears and until all the lesions form crusts."

Do the strippers at Stringfellows even have health insurance?

And what of Slater's "English Rose"? Will she soon be developing rose-petal shaped lesions?

I'm just asking. Someone's got to, you know.


TheBlackNewYorker said...

Whoa! that's deep.
Maybe he has a sexual addiction that prevents him from thinking rationally, even if he has a contagious disease. That's scary.
BTW, fine use of the wrod, Ecdysiast

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TBNY, you took the words "rite out of my mouth"...I'll keep you posted

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