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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Paul McCartney's Eccentricities

Teresa Heinz Kerry has been rich and powerful -- had servants catering to her every wish, had every whim satisfied -- for so long that she has become, like Ross Perot, like the English Lords, or even like wealthy Southern Plantation owners, such as the ones portrayed by William Faulkner, eccentric.

And so has Paul McCartney, the egalitarian Baby Boomer liberal icon, ironically enough.

Eccentrics say such odd and, at times, stupid things because their minds have no automatic filtration devices -- and why should they. They are not like us, they don't care what other people think about them so long as their Mint Julep (Southern eccentric) or Gin glass (British Lord) is full, and someone is listening -- or at least appearing to listen to -- their boorish stories about the "The War Against Northern Aggression," or "The Battle of the Bulge," or, "The Somme," or, say, in the case of Teresa Heinz Kerry (pronounced Tuh-RAY-zuh), prenuptual agreements and fuel-efficient four-wheel drive vehicles. You just know at some point soon Teresa is going to cause a nuclear explosion and have to be muzzled for the sake of the party. Did the plantation owner care about offending his slave, did the British Duke care about feeding the servants tins of sardines, like the cats, while his own hounds ate fresh salmon? Of course not. That would be bourgeois.

Paul McCartney has been rich and famous for so long that, like the other Lords, he is acquiring their characteristic idiosyncrasies:

The 3 AM Girls report:

"HEs one of the oldest rockers on the block and Paul McCartneys picked up some eccentric behaviour during his 47-year career.

"On his recent European tour, the veteran crooner 'freaked out' when a vase of lilies was left in his Madrid hotel room. He thought they were using up too much oxygen, were told."

The Corsair grabs a bag of unsalted popcorn and sits riveted to his screen.

"And that wasnt the only incident that took his entourage by surprise on the sell-out 14-date Live Experience extravaganza.

"'Everybody knows that Paul banned all meat and meat by-products on the entire tour,' says our mole.

"'But what isnt known is just how particular he is about other things, too.

"'Hes a huge fan of flowers but they have to be certain varieties from reputable florists.

"'Plants have to be as full at the bottom as they are at the top and he doesnt like tree trunks so indoor trees are forbidden.'"

The Corsair mouths the words -- "eccentric."

"And furniture has to come up to the former Beatles exacting standards, too. 'Paul likes to entertain and requests two banqueting tables in every place he stops,' our source goes on.

"'But they have to be made from sustainable wood. Glass and lacquer are forbidden as the methods used to produce them can be harmful to the environment.'"

The Corsair averts his gaze.

"Paul whose wife Heather gave birth to the couple?s first child, Beatrice, last October even insists his crew abide by his beliefs.

"'Paul is very keen on recycling and made sure everyone on the tour made full use of the facilities he arranged.

"'The rubbish bins had to be policed at regular intervals throughout the day. If Paul found out that recyclable materials were being thrown out with the ordinary trash, thered have been hell to pay.'

"Pauls veggie-friendly requirements also gave tour staff a headache.

"'Paul insists that no leather or animal skins are used anywhere near him,' explains our insider. 'He goes mad if hes even near fake animal prints.'"

The Corsair nods his head uncontrollably, making sociological field notes in his notebook on eccentrics and their feelings of control over reality.

"He likes to travel in a limousine but leather seats tend to come as standard in limos. Venue staff had to ensure that seats were re-covered in time for his arrival and then changed back.

"'You dont say no to the likes of Sir Paul.'"

No, (The Corsair scornfully averts his gaze), one does not, I suppose, nor does one say no to PD Wodehouse's charming Lord Emsworth, Ross Perot, Howard Hughes, or James Compson III in Faulkner's Sound and the Fury.

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