The Chattering Class Virtual Year Book

Far be it from me, lowly blogger, to impede the progress of all the primping and preening that goes on among the chattering classes. I mean, they do deserve their time to waddle in the sun being as they explain reality to the rest of the world daily, via their nesting centers in NY, DC and LA, and occasionally Davos and Sundance.

Sometimes the chattering class appear to be unruly students at J K Rowlings' mythical Hogwarts, struggling in childlike wonder with The Great Questions of Good and Evil --- naked ambition versus the ermine robes of state. Imagine, if you will, Eisner or, say, Michael Powell, as Voldemortian forces lying in wait in support of media consolidation! Not too much of a wizarding stretch, I hope.

Now, take away the element of magic and at other times, The Chattering Classes appear to be not unlike the birds. Imagine if you will, Barry Diller a heron, or Anna Wintour a swan, pecking at a salad, Jayson Blair (averted gaze) a turkey ("performs distraction display") and Harvey Weinstein an American Kestrel ("Pale belly"). My bird's eye view. That's just how The Corsair's fevered media-oversaturated imagination works: all wizards and warblers.

The Chattering Class render their ideas in varying forms of, uhm, media: sometimes they use the standard black and white print, often radio waves, other times tv, glossy mags are the usual, even mini studios-- whatever the means of communication, there is some hawkish champion ready to express themselves, so, in the end, it is difficult to characterize The Mediaratti fully as the variety of media are matched only by the infinitude of styles and thought, limited only by the imagination; and, of course, I don't intend (or pretend) to be the last word on the matter-- neither as Hogwarts' sorting hat nor as Audubonian birder on the prowl. Nor do I, in any way, mean this to be a complete list, but only a partial listing of those flapping wings who have crossed my radar screen.

So, like the snarky and chaotic (I think the very cool Choire called me absolutely mad, and I don't dispute that claim) Gemini that I am, allow me to mix my metaphors, combining Rowlings and Ravens, to try and draw a bede on these venerable birds.

Basta, now let's just coalesce all the necessary, fluttering data, my little pomegranates, and see if we cannot usher these rara avis into an aviary fitting for public consumption, uhm -- only the catty consume birds -- public observation.

And so, I present, as it were, on the fly, a virtual HS yearbook (the school song a martial, Murdochian anthem, possibly in Mandarin Chinese?), without the pictures:

For your pleasure, Rupert Murdoch HS, Class of 2004 (stands at attention, hums anthem solemnly):

roll credits

Who's Who:

Barry Diller, Headmaster, Dumbledoresque mogul standing athwart media consolidation ... white tailed tropic bird("In pursuit of fish and squid, tropicbirds engage in graceful dives from the air.")

Don Imus ... shifty-eyed leathery janitorial-type (think of the creepy Carl the Janitor in The Breakfast Club) ... Masked Booby ("a variety of hissing and quacking notes on breeding grounds") ... Slytherin ... Affrimative Action for geeks past their expiration date

Felix Dennis, (rolls eyes; extended averted gaze) sex ed ... Northern Gannett("Guttural croak or grunt, heard only on breeding islands") ... "like most rich eccentric men, aspires to be a cigarette-smoking artist (poet) ... some of his lines: "As jealousy anticipates revenge/
So envy swamps compassion in its wake; Thus petty men seek insults to avenge/ And reaching for a ladder grasp a snake" ... the snake reference is obvious, but ... what-the-fuck?! ... so, Mr. Beer and Bikini wants to thorw down poesis? ... Pussy-boy

Harvey Weinstein, Mascot, who portrays a rat named Eisner ... Although Big Harv fills out the mascot costume well, his feet are dainty: he cannot fill Michael's shoes... tough guy... hangs with Pat Buchanan, Steve Brill and the Dead Rabbits, (don't ask) the school gang ... aggressively bad taste (the anti-Kurt Andersen), which becomes evident when he slices a true auteur's bacon ... Thanks for giving us Benigni, you fucker ... A/V Club ... Slytherinesque

Jim Romenesko, Head, Gryffindor House ... dry wit ... Best Personality ... creator of the most significant media blog ... humor, letters, memorials and breaking news for us navel-gazers

Bonnie Fuller, The Dark Arts ... "I was the girl in the front row of class with my hand held very high. And I wore glasses." ... Thanks for sharing ... Will shadenfreude turn against Bonnie? ... well known for giving her students inordinate, no, Gargantuan amounts of homework ... burning bridges, making benjamins ... gossip zeitgeist 101 ... Least Tern("Least Terns will sometimes abandon their nests if they have been disturbed") ... doesn't play well with Jann

Walter Isaacson, Diplomatic History ... Magnificent Frigate Bird ("Frigatebirds, also called man-o'-war-birds, are among the most agile of birds on the wing") ... serious man with the weight of history on his shoulders ... casts a cold eye towards the purple twilight emanating from Washington and sees, with gemlike clarity, the crisis of the West ... Time Inc and Old Man Luce's old job aint what it used to be ... waiting for something better to come along ... future Secretary of State? ... N'Orleans ... coiled potential energy ... founder, Model UN ... a good man and hard worker ... Hufflepuff

Harry Evans, American History, Department Chair .. Oh, Mr. Magoo, you did it again! ... a bit distant ... house husband ... Tina Brown is his A student, Al Gore to his Marty Peretz ... writes elaborate coffee table books that no one really reads ... well liked in the media ... hosts "events" ... Glaucous Winged Gull("A raucous series of similar notes on one pitch")

Roger Ebert, Cinema, Chair ...Most European Midwesterner ever ... argumentative in a grandfatherly way ... simplistic thumbs up technique of cinema criticism ... will give at least one crappy studio picture the thumbs up per show, just so that Hollywood doesn't lock him out altogether and also to show that he has a sense of humor about poo... would rather be watching Resnais ... what was he thinking in going with that Frat Boy, Roeper for TA?

Arianna Huffington, Women in History and Art ... Absolutely brilliant and rhetorically stunning ... Our Livia Frighteningly ambitious ... Darkly beautiful in her wraith ... Then: rival for Sally Quinn's social position as doyenne of DC; Now: so Unelected Mayor of Hollywood ... Ravenclaw ... Phoenix("This
ubiquitous legendary bird of the sun was believed to make an appearance every few
hundred years or so only to die immolated in its own flames")

Sidney Blumenthal ... How to brownnose your way from "objective" observer to Presidential aide ... more popular in Europe, while his rival, Christopher Hitchens is, ironically, more popular in America ... as smart as he is well dressed ... Ravenclaw

Donald Trump, Milton Friedman Chair, Economics ... "you're fired" ... bad hair ... likes Eastern European women ... "there is no such thing as a free lunch" ... short fingered vulgarian ... purchased a modeling agency and a beauty pagent ... insatiable publicity hound ... louche: there is no other way to describe this man: turned Mar a Lago, an historic and palatial home, a masterpiece, into a pay-per-play resort (cafe society debutantes and Town and Country subscribers faint on cue) ... plasters his Hancockian signature on every monstrosity he erects... a gassbag ... a strong argument against democratic capitalism ... so Slytherin it hurts ... Aleutian Tern("Habitat: shallow bays")

Steve Irwin, Care of Magical Creatures ... Mulleted ; a grown man who wears short pants .. for he so loved the aligators that he was prepared to give his child ... your typical yabbo

Greta Von Susteren, Defense Against the Dark Arts ... don't let the flawless legalese fool you, this former lawyer, Gret, is also a former Swedish Foreign Exchange Student ... "is -- ya-ya?" ... can't give her books away, God bless her ...bolted sinking AOHell for the sly FOX ... the latest lawyer turned journo to get some "face" ... and speaking of face, don't even get me started on her eyes

Sue Simmons, Potions ... longtime anchor of evening news cast ... does not play well with others ... no, don't ask me why I included Sue here, I can't figure it out either ... flubs cue cards regularlyThe Bird("middle finger extended to all")

Maureen Dowd, Transfiguration ... sexy, hip bohemian aunt type ... apparently she dated Michael Douglas ... regularly vivisects the Bush Administration ... cardinal("robust seed eating bird with strong bill")
Ted Turner ... fired his own son ... Jane Fonda tried to hook him up with subservient Republican Bo Derek ... peacock

Larry David, Hufflepuff ... hard worker ... peeves easily ... the postmodern Charlie Brown

Dick Parsons, Juggling ... gee, thanks for transferring the CEO job to me right here, right now, Gerry ... Black Noddy("Courtship consists of head nodding and fish transfers")

Coach Regis Philbin, Football ... wanna be tough guy circa 1950 cred was shot when "Coach Reege" took off his shirt in protest of a referees decision and revealed unseemly "man teats" ... likes to play career-enhancing sugar daddy to younger girls ... Brylcream man ... essentially, harmless

Martin Peretz, Civics Chair ... Does not call on African American Students ... Secretly compares every student to his star pupil, Al Gore '00 ... out of power and melancholy about it ... oh, so godamm Slytherin ... no ordinary Bird, perhaps ... a Robert Byrd?


Upperclassmen

(Intermezzo)

David Remnick, Senior ... Hufflepuff ... lends intellectual glamour to the Conde Nast set

Fareed Zakaria, Senior ... dreams dark and reptilian dreams of becoming Secretary of State ... Junior Kissinger Hessian Society, founder and sole member ... Metternich was misunderstood ... regards the post at State as, "my preciousss" ... oh, just so ya know: Slytherin .... Bismark matters! ... weeps openly at Wagner's Der Ring Des Niebelungenlied when Wotan steals the ring of power ("it's so true!").

Christopher Hitchens, Senior ... formidable debater ... a good man ... The Corsair's first media mentor ... South Polar Skua("Habitat: Open ocean") ... does not play well with Sidney Blumenthal ... pugnacious, honest

Kurt Andersen, Senior. Most Likely to Succed ... National Honor Society ... Architecture Club ... Ham Radio ... Editor, ... dry as a martini ... Elder Brother of New York Media ... sharp eye ... highbrow aesthetics ... Osprey("instantly recognizable even at a distance")

Bill Kristol, Senior ... Most Intellectual boy ... however, misreads Plato ... didn't mesh well with Cokie and Sam ... hijacked US Foreign policy with his pen ... Most Likely to Misuse Power ... Senior Officer

Christiane Amanpour and Jamie Rubin ... The Investigators ... National Honor Society ... Power Couple ... Best All Around ... Madeline always liked him best ... She does a heck of a lot of reporting on blood, mutilation and body fluids ... is he a future Secretary of State? Over Isaacson's dead body ... she: Orianna Falaci; he" Thomas Jefferson::he, Owl of Minerva(""The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling
of the dusk."); she: Raven("For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Amanpour/
Nameless here for evermore")
... so International Chic that it hurts

Maria Bartiromo, Senior ... flirts with Francis Ford Copolla (Francis said that for her he had a part, but The Corsair believes he just wants a piece)... big waifish eyes make grown men turn to calamari estofado ... call me, Maria? ... (The Corsair goes back to wistfully nursing a double shot of Cutty Sark)

Michael Hirschorn, Senior . Best Personality ... Editor ... Most Friendly ... Full of Most Smiles ... Turned the boring campus tv station into "must see" tv ... Everybody's Favorite Cousin.

David Letterman, Senior ... Number two to Leno ... Midwestern Existential Americana: observe carefully Kierkegaard's Concept of Dread play itself out on network television in real time ... mellowing out; growing up ... accepting of himself ... Varsity Football ... Wittiest ... in the reddish-bronze twilight of his career

Eric Alterman, Senior ... Not handsome ... looks to be in a perpetual state of constipation ... the official face of the left (The Corsair slowly, disgustedly claps hands sarcastically, like Bender in the Breakfast Club upon seeing Molly Ringwald apply lipstick with her breasts) ... Worst Personality ... National Honor Society ... phony liberal: rails against aristocratic hierarchy, yet covets swishy party invites to media events ... dick ... Wenner school of liberalism

Andre Leon Talley, Senior ... deceptively intelligent despite position of distinction among the Conde Nast crowd, who favor, uhm, lightness of being ... Mitigating factor: Diana Vreeland watched Soul Train with him; how cool is that?


Katrina Van Den Heuvel, Gryfindor, Senior ... pretty and brainy student of Russian poetry, history and philosophy ... Most Courteous ... waifish, idealistic and striving for the good... Best All Around ... lone voice among angry commentators ... often in over her head ... a good and honest woman

Les Moonves, Senior, Slitherin ... Mr. Julie Chen ... a wanna be big screen thespian with a face made for for back office politics

Richard Johnson, Senior ... The epitome of cool ... arbiter elegentiae, baby ... Our Petronius, and we wouldn't have it any other way ... magestic American Eagle

Michael Wolff, Senior. National Honor Society ... Young Enterpeneurs ... Goes where the action is ... sharp social observer ... can be abrasive ... not afraid to mix it up in the business world, which is rare among writers ... doesn't play well with Tina

Anna Wintour, Senior Too Cool For School ... Winter Sports Queen ... Fashion plate ... Joined at the hip with Andre Leon Talley ... Chair, Remove the Popcorn Machines From the Cafeteria Drive ... resolved: food should have no smell ... "I need these minks killed in the most horrid way imaginable ... it adds to the lustre of the coat" ... called Cruella de Ville behind her back... cranky cause she's hungry ... I still love this frosty archetype of a woman: swan("Color: White; Weight: About 28 pounds")

Campbell Brown, Senior ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Most Courteous ... "hottie" ... What ever happened with Richard Branson that night when he stole your shoe? ... Hawk("You may see one perched on a branch in a tree, watching for a meal to scurry by")

David Hershkovits and Kim Hastreiter, Seniors. Most School Spirit ... Wittiest Couple ... nurturers of the bohemian flame ... Barn Owls("the barn owl has eyes that face forward. This gives it depth perception, the kind of vision you have when you look through two eyes instead of one")

Michael Musto, Senior ... Class Favorite ... a good man: Gryffindor all the way ... Wittiest ... bohemian ... the downtown scoop ... Bird of Paradise("Spaniards in the 16th century coined the name bird of paradise")

Charlie Rose, Senior ... Has amiably carried the Dick Cavett mantle in his stately bill ... Most Courteous ... "Lawrd almighteh, when will Wallace retire so that I can take his spot!" ... Could have been a fine Democrat Senator from NC -- he has the name recognition and the looks -- but, ultimately, that doesn't pay as much as CBS and Bloomberg ... Ring Billed Gull("Adult silvery gray on back, white on head, tail, and underparts.")

Jon Stewart, Senior ... Class Clown ... Laughing Gull("Loud, high-pitched ha-ha-ha-ha-haah-haah-haah-haah-haah") ... a good man ... Gryfindor all the way ... a good man who made us laugh after the horror of 9-11 ... national treasure

Dan Rather, Senior ... Eerie serial killer-like stare (and, no, not the CBS one-eye)... Psychology Club ... Young Democrats ... signs off school Ham Radio program, "what's the frequency" ... Confused ... Thayer's Gull("This bird has variously been considered a species of its own, a subspecies of the Herring Gull, a subspecies of the Iceland Gull, and even a hybrid of the two") ... very strang; retire Dan, retire

Bill Mahar, Senior ... once class clown ... now more mature, tried by a bitchlap by the Mouse network ... chastened, now evenhanded in his insults to both right and left ... hugely talented but routinely overlooked ... Prairie Falcon("Life is tough for a baby prairie falcon")

Wolf Blitzer, Senior ... The Wolf ... A-Woo! ... "Turn up that Memphis Bleek, Wolf" ... "Stop bogarting the last beer, Wolf" ... hungry like the Wolf ... busted smuggling beer into the rooms during Senior Ski Trip ... that crazy guy ... "Road trip, Wolfmeister! I got shotgun!" ... Best Personality ... he's not a bird, he's Wolf

Brian Lamb, Senior ... Serious Thinker ... Most School Spirit ... Martin Van Buren Society, founder and sole member ... "Pat Buchanan and Steven Brill stole my lunch money!" ... perhaps the only man to own a collectirs DVD set of everything dome by Ken Burns ... genuinely and passionately in geek love with all things American ... Hufflepuffish ... Hes not a Lamb, he's a dove.

Lloyd Grove, Transfer Student from DC. Started out slow, but is getting better ... the most Washington-Politics-based NY Gossip column ever ... Parasitic Jaeger("it usually obtains food by pursuing gulls and terns and forcing them to drop food")

Toby Young, expelled ... flew back to Britain ... punk ass ... chicken

Pat O'Brien, Senior ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... "Demi, what do you think of me as Governor of South Dakota?" ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... Common Black Headed Gull("various squealing notes") ... "Look at meeee"

Howard Kurtz, Senior ... editor, school paper ... protective of the institution of journalism ... Great Skua-like ("They are vigorous in the defense of their nests, diving boldly at human intruders") ... Gryffindoresque ... got a little wrapped up in the K Street celebrity politics thing, but came around

David Chase, Senior ... fuggedaboudit! ... ear for dialogue ... Lesser Scaup("They're found on big water, typically lakes and deep wetlands, and aren't shy about approaching hunting decoys")

Bruce Wasserman, Senior ... dates New York Mag, the head cheerleader, which comes with built in social cachet ... from geek to chic

Liz Smith, Senior ... Texan ... Likes to quote intellectuals ... Flamingo ... good natured; secretly controls New York

Geraldo Rivera, Senior ... gross .... kisses and tells: in print! ... the ladies bathroom wall has detailed warnings of this man's antics ... Black-Legged Kittiwake("Very noisy on breeding grounds") ... Bette Midler? What were you thinking when you fucked Bette Middler?


Tina Brown, Senior ... Topic A: Party Girl ... Gabba, Gabba, Hey ... Secretly dating Mr. Evans, the American History Teacher ... Gossip! ... "Where's Barry Diller?" ...Wild about Harry ... "Barry?" ... Common Snipe("A small bird with an eratic flight pattern composed of twists and dives")


Graydon Carter, Senior ... Leader of the Snobby Conde Nast Clique ... Too Cool For School ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Young Democrats ... Winston Lights ... That's so First Room, Toby ... Bloomberg Sucks ... architectonic hair ... Canadian Goose("Canada geese migrate in V-shaped flocks") ... Vanitas Vanitatum

Michael Barone, Senior ... Mathematics Club ... AV Club ... "Calvin Coolige Society ... "Pat Buchanan and Steve Brill stole my lunch money!" ... ... has bandy legs ... Slaty-backed Gull("similar to Great Black-backed Gull only paler")

Laura Zalaznick, Senior ... Most Intellectual Girl ... Art Club ... "Did you see that documentary last night on PBS?" ... National Honor Society ... The revolution will not be televised because we are the tv revolution ... Black Skimmer("This extraordinary bird, especially when in flight, can hardly fail to impress even the most casual observer")

George Stephanopouos and Ali Wentworth, Seniors ... Golden Boy and Girl ... Twice a day? Really? ... A power coupling that has actually halved their cachet ... still the couple we love to discuss ... A Couple of Ross' Gulls("The appearance of a Ross's Gull in settled areas attracts hundreds of observers and often makes headlines in newspapers") ... decidely not Christiane and Jamie

Tim Russert, Senior ... Gryffindor ... In a state of grace ... Saint Tim ... St Theresa of Avila Rosary Society ...
So, you really confronted Farrakhan about the spaceship and Yakub, the black scientist who Muslims belive created the white man? ... very cool ... Dean of Washington Press Corps

Chris Matthews, Senior ... The Ego has landed ... The Assistant Dean of Washington DC ... Blue Jay ... Conservative Democrats ... understands Americana backwards and forewards ... even handed

Laurie Duhe, Senior ... "Those pouty lips, those legs, those come hither eyes!" ... Iceland Gull("Immatures are creamy buff") ... Rowrrrr


Howard Stern, Junior ... King of the Geeks ... Drilled a hole in the Sumner Redstone Gym to peek at girls showering ... hides pornography in Student Lounge ... Move over Barbara Walters ... most likely to get slapped in the face during his first ABC interview with Angelina Jolie

Peter Jennings, Junior ... O, Canada! ... Young Democrats ... Clark's Nutcracker("Despite pine seed diet specialization, an opportunistic forager")


Rush and Molloy, Juniors ... Cutest Couple ... Star reporters of The Daily ... Too Cool For School ... lovebirds

Diane Sawyer, Senior ... Next in line now that Barbara is gone ... Nice score on the Dean interview ... stately journalist ... America's Junior Miss in 1962 ... Deep Throat? ... Mourning Dove("Mourning doves make a soft cooing sound")

Jon Favreau, Junior ... Allegedly a "director"... Sell Out ... Not especially talented or even creative ... likes to pretend he is a vapid cigar smoking Hollywood exec even as he hosts show on IFC-- the anti-Hollywood ... ass ...Spruce Grouse("The spruce grouse has several nicknames, such as fool's hen and fool's grouse")

Dennis Miller, Junior ... Let's get this straight: Acting? Not an option ... HBO entertainment show? Nada ... Hair? Nope ... Republican Party Reptile? Priceless ... let's take a wait and see attitude re: his little "show"

Cramer and Ludlow, Juniors ... Hufflepuff ... Hardest Working Man in the Media (Cramer) ... Ludlow "more tax cuts" his hair ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite right

Martha Stewart, Junior ... Ivory Gull("A harsh eer ... The Ivory Gull shares the realm of the Inuit and the polar bear")

Joel Klein, Junior ... No Longer Anonymous ... Once objective journo, now card carrying member of the Washington Establishment ... Kerry booster ... Heerman's Gull("Predominantly dark") ... corrupt Establishmentarian with crows feet ... once respectable and objective

Caroline Miller, Junior ... aggressive NY Times interview with boxing gloves as prop ... Black Tern("Sharp kick; when disturbed, a shrill kreek") ... this gal is punchy! ... watch the pageboy haircut, she'll slap you silly

Roger Friedman, Junior ... Quixotic feud with NY Times ... Bonaparte's Gull("soft, nasal snarling note")

Neil Strauss, Junior ... New York Times Style writer who uses geek techniques to trick girls into dating him ... ass ... Slytherin ..."I had provoked a negative reaction, but now at least we had a relationship. I just had to turn her anger around to make it a good relationship" ... fucking creepy ... vulture

Underclassmen

The Up and Comers

Elizabeth Spiers, Sophomore ... editor of underground newspaper ... varsity cheerleader

Chris Wilson, Sophomore ... social Page Sixer ... coming up on the radar

Lockhart Steele, Sophomore ... Avid New Yorker ... best neighborhood site on web ... political future?

Jen Chung, Sophomore ... Most School Spirit ... New Yorker ... in the cut

The Minor Fall, The Major Lift ... the Underground, Underground Paper ... addictive reading ... the coolest threads in the blogosphere

MemeFirst ... highbrow news and a dash of snark ... must reading

Choire Sicha, Sophomore ... underground web site that everyone reads ... wittiest ... best personality ... we heart Choire

Matt Haber, Sophomore ... class wit ... Most Courteous ... on the radar; in the cut


Victoria Gotti, Sophomore ... Welcome to the wonderful world of publishing, fuggedaboutit!

Mary Kate and Ashley, Freshmen

Steve Cojocaru, Freshman

Keep in Touch: Judith Regan ... Bryant Gumbell ... Garrick Utley ...


Now I am going to take a rest and not relate to anything media for a while. If you enjoyed this, guys, please bookmark me.

Cheers,
Ron Mwangaguhunga
AKA The Corsair

President Al Sharpton: The First Few Days

As you can see, the progressive buildup to the Iowa caucus has thrown me off my usually sophisticated pop-culturally obsessed game, and gotten me all sexed up on politics. Blame Iowa! Bear with me, though, my little pomegranates, I will come out of this little poly-sci funk intact and, on the other side of the caucus, back in rare form. My fascination du jour, though, if you must know, is the Reverend Al Sharpton.

And why not: His campaign is quixotic, to be sure, but there is also quite a bit of pathos and some, well, humor in it.

Actually, there is lots of humor in his candidacy if you know how to look. Sharpton has come away -- post SNL -- as a sort of Falstaffian American character (charicature?), more perfectly suited to Comedy Central than the rigors of the campaign trail. Perhaps he might consider following Jon Stewart, or a late night show on VH1 opposite Charlie Rose?

But all this talk of pitching Al for Prime Time is premature. Although Sharpton couldn't win DC, what's to say he's going to flame out in his other hopeful state, South Carolina.

What if he were to win South Carolina by snagging the majority of black votes in a tight four way race. And: what if, say, conservatives vote for Al en masse in open primary states? And what if he won the Democratic nomination as a result of the votes of his loyalists plus those of conservative spoilers!

(oh dear, I can already feel my readership beginning to snooze at the sheer geekiness of this)

And then, what if -- just bear with me, now -- what if: Al went on to win the Presidency, buoyed by the drunken frat boy vote as well as merry pranksters across the country who want to see The Grand Old Party become, well, a par-tay. Isn't humor ultimately more attractive to the masses? I mean, would you really rather hang out with Jim Carrey and David Chapelle or Paul O'Neill and Pat Buchanan, hmm?

Highly implausible, you say to a Reverend President Al Sharpton. Well, I agree. But what if ... what if ... (dream sequence music trails off into ...)


January 20, 2005: A visibly distraught Chief Justice Rehnquist administers the oath of office to Reverend Al Sharpton, who becomes the 44th President of the United States. Immediately following the swearing in, Rehnquist has, simultaneously, a nervous breakdown and a stroke at the thought of an African American President.

At the inaugural ball, Rehnquist exhibits a spastic rigor in his dance ("his freaky stylee," would be inaugural invitee Coolio's take on the spectacle in the next day's Washington Post) that was generally taken to be a result of drunken revelry. Only later, after the last dance as Rehquist writhed on the floor, did attendees realize that The Ren had not actually been engaged in highly elaborate breakdancing maneuvers, but was, indeed, in a perilous plight. Sandra Day O'Connor would sum up the majority opinion in the New York Times by observing, solemnly, "all involved didn't know the seriousness of the matter. We believed that he had passed the bar ... about six or seven times too many."

James Brown performs "Hot Pants" instead of the traditional "hail to the Chief."

January 22, 2005: The Andrew Jacksonesque populist appoints Richard Simmons as Surgeon General and Chairman of the President's Council of Physical Fitness.

Immediately following, Simmons, The Reverend President and the Religious Right form a joint task force on fundamentalism and excercise called, Sweatin' to the Holies.

Instead of the partisan Republican Prayer Breakfasts, Democrats and Republicans seeking early morning face time with the President must excercise to gospel and Christian Contemporary hits while being prodded on by Surgeon General Simmons. The President notes: there will be no breaking of bread ... too many carbs ... we are all on Atkins, you know.

January 24, 2005: The Godfather of Soul is appointed Ambassador to the Holy See. "The Pope can no longer call us a nation turning it's back on its soul anymore," the President quips.

February 1, 2005: The President recieves a delegation of Hindi Ascetics, but after, rather pornographically, mispronouncing their religious title, the "fakirs," who have lived a life devoted to peace, abruptly exit the Oval Office in a swarm of obscenities and curses involving the President's mother.

February 2, 2005: Tina Brown officially begins sucking up to the new President.

Or something along those lines. How fun would a Reverend Al Presidency be?

RZA Goes Off

The Corsair just cannot get over how crazy RZA is. He's crazy like Swayze. Ask him anything and it's on like Grey Poupon. Ask him where the nearest gas station is and you get a soliloquy about his favorite natural resource, colloidal silver. Ask him about the weather and he delivers a an eccentric little dithyramb on whether or not karate can be viewed with the third eye.

Whew!

He so crazy ...

Anyhoo: here is a snippet of RZA's recent interview with One World, an interview in which you learn a quite a bit more about his childhood than is necessary:

One World: Listen, I want to ask you another question ... What is the connection between kids living in urban environments and kung fu movies?

RZA: There's a couple of ways to look at it. One, any hero that we see as a kid inspires us to want to be him -- anything that's more powerful than us. Because as a kid, there's many nightmares, its really bad experiences, it's many of those things. For the kung-fu movies, though, it has an extra piece to it. Martial arts, xi-gong and t'ai chi is the natural vibration of the body, it's the natural flow of energy, really. Kung fu is the best energy flowing and energy builder and expeller -- the only thing compared to that is sex, they say. That's the only thing that has the same potential for energy. And sex is really the epitome of creative energy. So when a kid whose young and creative and has all this extra energy and not really having sex, anyway, besides his own masturbation -- he's watching all this action; it inspires his subconscious. For those who are really in tune with nature, they could change their whole life. Somebody like myself -- it started off for me watching these movies and acting like them. The it went to the next level of me watching them with the third eye and listening to the philosophy of the movies, which is also very profound. Bruce Lee was a scientist. He wasn't just a fighter.

"Wu Tang Clan has a lot to do with this whole new influx of Asian things and also the love that blacks automatically have for the Asian culture without even knowing that we're the fathers of it. Like, you don't know that Don Mo who went and taught Xi-gong to the monks was a black man from South India who migrated from Ethiopia with the Dravidian tribe?"

No, I didn't know that, actually.

Kids Can Be So Cruel

Carl the Janitor: Brian, how ya doin'?

Bender: Your dad work here? ... Uh, Carl?

Carl: What?

Bender: Can I ask you a question?

Carl: Sure.

Bender: How does one become a janitor?

Carl: You want to be a janitor?

Bender: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts.

*****

Bender: What are we having?

Brian: Just your normal everyday lunch.

Bender: Milk?

Brian: Soup.... Apple juice.

Bender: I can read. PB & J with the crusts cut off. Well Brian, this is a very nutricious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

Brian: No, Mr. Johnson

****

Vernon: What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?

Bender: Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson's underwear.

Harvey Weinstein's Freaky Stylee

Via Gawker we learn that Harvey Weinstein traffics in weopons of mass distraction when journos appraoch him with exposees on Miramax.

Jacob Bernstein writes for WWD:

"According to the forward of (Peter) Biskind�s book, Weinstein asked him, 'Don�t you have a book idea that�s really close to your heart?' When Biskind innocently responded that he�d always wanted to write a book about the science of politics, Weinstein told him, 'Great. We could sell a million copies! Forget about that other book.'�

Berstein then goes on to recount similar ploys used against Ken Auletta and Kevin Kelly of the Post.

That would explain Miraxax's quixotic publication of punk AJ Benza's Fame Aint it a Bitch

Oh, Really?

Kimora Lee Simmons to One World, her husband's rag-magazine-advertorial, making an ass out of herself on page 51, February/March 2004:

"Fashion completes the look. It makes the whole. You can look at me and know that inside I'm not full of shit."

Oh, really, Kimora?

The Corsair's Prediction

My crystal ball is so clear it is fucking scary. Scary! My prediction about a Howard Stern interview show has turned out to be correct. Here is how I phrased it -- verbatim --on January 7, 2004:

"More Predictions

"Before this year really gets under way, let me fire off some more predictions on the record:

"Howard Stern will not renew his radio contract. Instead, he will become CBS' Barbara Walters, doing interviews with treain wrecks, like, say, Heidi Fleiss or Paris Hilton. The CBS Entertainment division will pay the subjects a la "checkbook journalism." The show will come on periodically, called 'Howard Stern Interviews ...'"

How creepy is that? Okay; so it wasn't CBS, but I even got the Barbara Walters reference. My hairs are standing on the back of my neck. Industry take note, Ron Mwangaguhunga has a sharp crystal ball. Other predictions I have made:

"The infamously clumsy Will Smith will memorably trip and fall down at The Oscars.

"Sarah Jessica Parker will get an Oprah-like syndicated talk show aimed at the hip young woman. The show will feature and be supported inordinately by the fashion houses.

"P Diddy will run for NY mayor as an independent and Russell Simmons will signal a willingness to run as an independent for Governor, staring off a new volley of celebrity politicians.

"Pakistani leader Musharraf will be assasinated. Osama Bin Laden will make Pakistan the next frontier in the US War on Terror. India will become our new close ally in the war. As a result, Indian fashion, food and music will undergo a rennaisance in the US just as British culture did immediately following 9-11. India comes into its own in 2004.

"Justin Timberlake will marry Cameron Diaz and Al Greene will perform the cermony as well as sing.

"Tony Blair will be forced to step down. Britain will face a year of upheval as Prince Charles declines the crown amid scandal over Diana's death, making way for William to become King.

"We will all be quoting lines from Donald Trump's Apprentice show for much of the early part of 2004.

"Alec Baldwin and Richard Johnson will fight -- celebrity boxing style -- in a charity event benefitting Breast Cancer. The Page Six editor will clean The Bloviator's clock. And the Bassinger-Baldwin divorce will become the latest acrimonious slice o shadenfreude to clutter the media landscape.

"Giselle Bundchen will dump Leo for Ashton.



"Renee Zellwegger will stop sucking lemons before turning in a performance.

"Michael Jackson will flee to Morocco, get a villa in Marakesh, and harass little boys unmolested by the local culture until extradited back to the US.

"MTV will cancel The Real World.

"Bill Murray will win Best Actor and deliver the best speech in Oscar history.

"Brendan Frasier will release more bombs this year than the Iraqi resistance.

"Lauryn Hill will engage in a lonely, Kierkegaardian crusade against the Roman Catholic Church.

"Graydon Carter and Sophia Coppola will date.

"Ashton Kutcher and Leo diCaprio will get into a fistfight.

Christina Aguilera will pose nude for "Playboy.

"J_Lo and Ben Affleck will get married after their film Jersey Girl crosses the $100 million mark.

"John Stewart will be tapped to replace David Letterman at the expiration of his contract.

"Page Six's Richard Johnson will host a weekly pop culture roundtable on Fox News Channel.

"VH1 will give Mo Rocca a Late Night talk show.

"John Edwards will win the South Carolina Democratic primary making him the Anyone-but-Dean candidate that Terry McAuliffe and the Clintonistas will rally around.

"Dick Cheney will leave the ticket due to "heart concerns" opening it up for fellow Yalie George Pataki. Pataki will back Rudy for Governor of New York and the Dems may lose New York and another shot at the White House.

"Jayson Blair will be tapped to write a cover Michael Jackson interview for Vanity Fair.

"Bill Clinton will finally accept a $50 million a year deal to host an Oprah-like talk show with world leaders, CEOs, journos and religious figures as guests for CBS."

Of course, I will let you all know -- ad nauseum -- every time I get it right. And, of course, if I am way off no mention of it will be made.

(Update: I guess I'll be off on the Bennifer wedding, huh?)

Man Versus Beast II

Although The Corsair is your average (okay, obsessively creepy in restraining order terrain) brand of media observer, Man versus Beast failed to register on my finely tuned media radar.

Now, Michael Starr of the NY Post informs us that Man Versus Beast II is in the cut. --What the fuck?!

(whistles slowly) Jesus H. Christ, is this for real?

Yes, yes (buries head in hands) my little pomegranates, it is.

Starr writes:

"Bam Bam the orangutan, who's ignited controversy over his role on the NBC soap 'Passions,' is heading into the reality TV arena - as a contestant on Fox's 'Man vs. Beast 2,' which airs Feb. 20 (9 p.m.).

"Bam Bam (a male who plays Precious, a female nurse on 'Passions') will participate in a 'Man vs. Beast' challenge against NCAA gymnast/rings champ Marshall Erwin, trying to see who can endure the longest while hanging 11 feet off the ground.

"Other 'Man vs. Beast 2' challenges include Morgan the black Labrador retriever facing off against All-American long jumper Bryan Clay, and Jacob, a chimpanzee who'll see if he can climb a 40-foot palm tree faster than champion tree climber Kap Teo-Tafiti."

Now, I believe that democracy is the highest form of government, offering the largest amount of freedom to its populace. From these freedoms flow the particular pursuits of our happiness.

I came here from a dicatorship in Uganda, and there is nothing -- nothing -- that I hate more than tyranny. I am glad Sadaam Hussein is locked away like a dog.

That having been said, if this type of programming is getting on, perhaps our democracy is getting a bit ill and we had best look to it.

There are whiffs of imperial Roman decline surrounding the broadcast of Man Versus Beast II.

(This post is still in progress -- what a project! -- you might want to click Refresh or come by a bit later, like in a few days (Saturday), when the page and errors are fixed up and I can really do it up right. This is just a shell of the final plan ... sorry for the delay and thanx for your patience)

Stupid Ass of the Century: Courtney "Love"

From an interview with Courtney Love on WKQX-FM, Sound Opinion, with Jim DeRogatis and Bill Wyman, as recounted in Milk It regarding a Vanity Fair September 1992 story:

"I did take heroin when I was pregnant in the very beginning of my pregnancy. I did-- otherwise I could have sued the hell out of (Vanity Fair) (But Lynn Hirschberg was) completely wrong. She made it seem like I was taking drugs into my second trimester."

Thanks for clearing that up, Courtney.

And as if that isn't bad enough, TheSmokinggun drags her legal issues into the sunlight. They write:

"According to the ... complaint, filed last month in Santa Barbara Superior Court, Love has stiffed Cappello & McCann for work the firm did during her two-year legal fight with Universal Music Group. According to a recent account statement, after paying an initial retainer of $50,000 when she retained the firm in February 2001, Love has run up a six-figure bill that she has ignored. The nonpayment suit is the latest civil action faced by Love, who has defended cases brought by former employees, an ex-landlord, and a Hawaiian spa. Not to mention those pesky drug charges. A Love lawyer, who had not seen the new complaint, declined comment on the Cappello & McCann charges."

Celebrity most likely to wind up in jail, anyone?

In other words ... BAPS Sucked

Hollywood is a place where nuanced language and delicate diplomacy is needed in offering up a critique of your betters. Egos run amok in Tinseltown, you know, and slights are remembered and held against you. Aint that a bitch?

Anyhoo: when something called Screenwriter Magazine asked Troy Beyer to take responsibility for her role in bringing BAPS to fruition, arguably the most offensive piece of shit ever to pass through the sordid bowels of the studio system, she was a little ... put off; anyway, you can decipher what she means for yourself:

Screenwriter: (BAPS) was your first script and you handed it over to someone else to direct. Was that difficult?

Troy: Well, first I was really excited that (New Line) wanted to make the movie. I knew that if the movie was going to be made, I would need a director attatched and so, initially I was like, 'Great, Robert Townsend, he's cool, he's funny, he did Hollywood Shuffle' And then I realized that Robert had one interpretation of how the movie should look and as I writer, I had another vision."

Liz Rosenberg Reads Vanity Fair

Jeannette Walls of MSNBC's Scoop reports on the mini feud that has erupted between geeky Simon Cowell, and Madonna.

Cowell, you'll recall, last week said, �Madonna used to be good looking. [Now] she�s a housewife.�

And in response, Liz Rosenberg, who gets paid the big bucks to spin Madonna's every move, responded:

�I�ll have to quote from a philosopher whose name I don�t know, �You should only hate people you love. The rest of them are not worth the energy.'"

Which is a sort of so-so line, all things considered, although it was wittier when Michael Caine used the line in response to his Proust questionnaire in VF this month.

Is that all that Madonna's scrilla pays for? Recycling Old Brit lines to counter Old Brits?

Dennis Miller Has Hairplugs!

Born Again Republican Dennis Miller reveals to Jim Nelson of that significant cultural artifact The National Enquirer that he does indeed have hair plugs. He weaves ... I mean, ahem, he writes:

"'It's one operation they've got down pat. Nobody has a clue I had it done until I tell them,' explains the comedian, adding that the procedure is practically painless.

"But why would an arch-cynic like Miller, one of the longtime bad boys of comedy, go in for such a public display of vanity?

"'I've been known for having a head of hair,' he says, 'and when you've been a pisser like I have on TV for so many years, there's nothing your critics would delight in more than watching you go slowly bald.

"'Quite frankly, I don't mind telling people I had it done, because I think a lot of guys out there would like to get hair plugs but are probably worried about what's involved. But it's a pretty easy operation.'

"In reality, Miller admits that the procedure has actually helped him feel better about himself. 'Who wants to be bald?' he laughs."

Oh, and we're laughing too, Dennis; and ... it's a pisser.

The Corsair wonders if they used racehorse hairs, because Miller veered to the right faster than Seabiscuit at the English Triple Crown!

Blue Tang Clan?

From the latest issue of Bizarre Magazine, a ... bizarre ... interview with RZA, of the Wu Tang Clan, and the scorer for Kill Bill, Volume 1. A little bit of eccentricity is expected with musicians, but this Bobby Digital takes it to a whole new level on the subject of silver, Paris Hilton's favorite color:

Bizarre: Is it true you take a silver supplement?

RZA: Oh yeah, I took colloidal silver. I did some research and it helps to eliminate certain viruses from your body. It goes back to when the Black Plague was in Europe. A lot of rich people wasn't affected because the rich people had silverware. And the atomic structure of silver has a vibration that fights off viruses.

Bizarre: Is it true it could turn you blue?

RZA: That's what the FDA recently said but I can't see how you could turn blue. Of course, if it fucks with your blood ... I aint blue and my children aint blue. I take 10 days' supply at once, I don't take it every day. You take a 10 day course. When the anthrax scare came out it was good to take a 10 day course at that point. Then relax after that.

Bizarre: Why don't you just use silver cutlery?

RZA: I do. Oh yeah, I do. That's the best way, then every time your fork goes in your mouth a little bit of silver goes in your mouth. So ... I gotta go ...

(Editor's Note: Do not try this at home. According to the FDA, "The indiscriminate use of colloidal silver solutions has resulted in cases of argyria, a permanent blue-gray discoloration of the skin and deep tissues." So if RZA and his children are complected not unlike Newport second hand smoke in the next few weeks, or, rather, that they look bluer than Picasso's Blue period, they were being a little ... indiscriminate)

Johnny Rotten Sells Out

Punk was all about ugliness back in the day, but nowadays things are getting uglier than usual, especially in Britain. Punk Icon Johnny Rotten has not only agreed to do a cheesy reality tv show, but he has agreed to do a really bad one, namely: 'I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here.'

"The announcement made me feel instantly old. ... If it has come to this for the prince of punk, then mediocrity really does get us all in the end," said Lee Randall in The Scotsman.

The British, who particularly idolize Rotten, are especially irked.

"I'm gobsmacked," said Tony Wilson, a British journalist and music entrepreneur who knows Lydon, according to CNN. "I'm shocked, but I have faith ... I'm sure he's doing it for the right reasons."

Suuure: I mean, what's a bloke to do? First Mick Jagger, the devil whom we all had sympathy for, whores his geriatric ass out and joins the bloody aristos ... and now The Antichrist Hisself! Damned cheek!

Along with Rotten on the UK show will be fighter Razor Ruddock, who was once told by Mike Tyson, �I�m gonna make you my girlfriend ... I can�t wait for you to kiss me with those big lips of yours.� Nice. Also rounding out the cast will be topless model, Jordan.

What is this world coming to? A Fellini movie?

Michael Jackson Party Invite

As I sit here wasting time, listening to that old song, Kylie Minogue's Slow, trying to figure out what the fuck went down in that sweet brief period of time between Fred Durst and Halle Barre, the guys at Smokinggun.com have posted the invite to Jacko's post plea party. Nice.

Susan Sarandon Hates Hillary

In the latest Index Magazine -- you know, the one with the Willem Defoe wrapped in a towel on the cover trying to look freshly fucked, but actually coming off rather 'I just skipped Wooster Group rehersal to cop a sweet bag of the Vitamin H from the dope spot on Avenue C.' That Index Magazine.

Anyhoo: Rachel Horovitz interviews Susan Sarandon and comes away with this tasty morsel:

Rachel Horovitz: How do you feel about Hillary Clinton?

Susan Sarandon: Hate her! The only thing she's going to be remembered for is standing by her man, and that is really sad. She had a shot, and she really blew it. She gave Bush the keys to the car while wagging her finger and saying 'you better not drive it, because we're going to be watching.' She turned out to be just another politician, which was really disappointing. I also think she lost a lot of support. I know a lot of people who write very large checks who have told her, 'That's it for us, don't come back.'

Dreaming of Picasso

"I was deeply depressed and dreamed of Picasso ... we were swimming in the sea and he had his back to me. I wanted to turn around and head for shore because the sky had grown overcast and the waves had started to swell. I realized how far out we were and when I lost sight of Picasso I panicked. Suddenly, I saw a face emerge from the boiling, menacing waves. It was Picasso's bald head with it's monks crown of white hair, his brown robust shoulders and powerful arms swimming, swimming, and cutting the leaden-colored waves in sharp, powerful strokes. I shouted, 'I want to turn back!' And Picasso just shook his head and said, 'No! No!' and urged me to go on. But I was exhausted and started sinking."

Fellini on Picasso

The Last Word on the Sharon Stone Crotch Shot

Index Magazine finally puts to rest any questions about the infamous Sharon Stone money shot in Basic Instinct in an interview with the film's director, Paul Veerhoven, a man named Jost and Bruce la Bruce:

Bruce la Bruce: With the famous scene in youe sex-thriller Basic Instinct, in which Sharon Stone uncrosses and crosses her legs, there have been rumors that she wasn't really aware of the camera angle.

Paul Veerhoven: I've been trying to set the record straight about this for years! (laughs) At different times, Sharon has said a lot of contradictory things, but my recollection of that scene has always been very consistent. The shot had been thoroughly discussed with her, of course. I was there with perhaps four people, including a boom man, and Jost, the DP. She had told me that she wanted to work with a very small crew.

Bruce: That's standard for a scene of this nature, I would think.

Paul: Yes. So we shot it at around 7pm. And she saw all the angles, because we taped it. Since Jost and I are both Dutch, she was in the presence of two liberal people who would not be shocked by a shot like that. At the time, she had no problem with it.

Bruce: people have debated the scene endlessly -- one side says it's exploitative, while the other calls it the ultimate moment of pussy power. Essentially it made Stone a superstar.

Paul: During the filming, the atmosphere was very relaxed. When Sharon saw it in a theater for the first time, it was completely different. She brought in almost twenty people -- all kinds of managers, agents, and friends. I think they were affraid that the explicit shot would cancel out the strength of her star-making performance. So Sharon came up to me and said that she wanted it out.

Bruce: She had a history of doing nudity in her early films, didn't she?

Paul: I think she had done nudity before. She later said she was going to sue me, but of course she never did becuase she knew that she had agreed to it. In all honesty, she initially loved the scene becuase of how it symbolized female dominance.

Family Friendly Feuds

The Page Sixers report that Lowell Paxon, scion of the utterly soul-less Pax TV (you know, the channel with the televangelists, castrated comedianas, and country music stars doing lobotomized drama ... yeah, that channel)

Anyhoo: Lowell (AKA "Bud") filed a lawsuit against his 38-year-old son, Devon Paxson and his wife, "to force them," writes Page Six, " to sell the house father and son bought jointly for $2.3 million in 2000. This would force the couple - and Paxson's grandchildren - out of the home, of which Bud owns 59 per cent and Devon 41 per cent. According to reports, the move is intended to force Devon to pony up roughly $1 million he owes his dad."

Just what we need, my little pomegranates, more family values lessons from the heartland and the Christian right.