Friday, January 30, 2004

These Lovely Bonesmen

"I remember, when I was a child, being taken to to the celebrated Barnum's circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities, but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as 'The Boneless Wonder.' My parents judged that that spectacle would be too demoralizing and revolting for my youthful eyes ..."

Winston Churchill, Speech in The House of Commons, January 28, 1931"

A Reagan aide once referred to George Bush, then a contestant for the Presidency, but eventually President number 41, as, "a Yalie, a preppie, a sissy." Bush 41 was also, by the way, a Bonesman, like his father, Prescott, and, his son, George Bush, who eventually became President number 43.

Now, what is interesting is the prospect that the front runner for the Democratic ticket is John Kerry, also a Yalie, and also a Bonesman, albeit a Botoxed one. So, oddly, we have the prospect of two Bonesmen going at it skeleton-to-skeleton for the Presidency of the United States of America.

What does this all mean? Well, for one it means that should Kerry get the nod, every goddam network news program from here to Antarctica will do feature stories on Skull and Bones.

2) From point one, we can make the logical leap to point two, namely that said feature stories will prompt every major crackpot in the world not on their medication with a theory on (makes quotation gestures into the air) "The New World Order" (secretive wink) will be flapping their gums. Those Freaky Larouchies will be foremost among the rabble, interrupting Presidential debates and causing all sorts of ruckus and yam yam with hand-drawn messages on cardboard.

3) Following from the rise of unmedicated freaks on our streets, bitter Yalie, Alexandra Robbins, who was not tapped to be in Skull and Bones will continue her "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned" tour, railing against the secret society (and, subsequently, another generation of Bonesmen and women will wonder why they didn't just pick the whiny baby to get her off their backs).

4) Native American Warrior Geronimo's skull -- the Sacred Skull -- reportedly stolen by Bush patriarch Prescott will be mysteriously returned to the Apache tribe -- no questions asked.

5) Tom Brokaw will ask Kerry at the debate whether he can maintain the "Bones Code of Silence" and still run as a Middle Class populist. Also, at the same debate, it will be asked whether or not the Russell Trust Association bestows $15,000 on each Bonesman upon graduation, simmering resentments that the Democratic candidate has blood as blue as the Republican.

6) The next inaugural swearing in will have Chief Justice Rehnquist ending the ceremony by saying "By order of our order, I dub thee knight of Euloga."

Should be interesting.

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