Jailhouse Pen Pals

Maybe it is all the talk of Mike Tyson that got me on this little bit of incarceration fun.

Ladies, are tired of all the lies and the cheating? Let's face it, Uma Thurman was right: all men cheat. But the intellligent lady can better the odds for fidelity in her relationship. Do you want to know that your man is where he says he is? Then you are looking to the wrong singles bars for companionship. Just look behind bars period.

Try a jailhouse pen pal. Ladies, I know you can understand the concept. Think of it: a moist Oz-like scenario of your very own! Just check out Manuel Pardo Jr. Inmate Number 111983:

"I am a 48 year old Spanish male, a former Marine and Nam Veteran. I was a former Police Officer in Miami and took the law in my own hands and ended up on Death Row. I seek a nice and sincere person to correspond with and establish a good friendship."

How can you resist? This a man who has a keen sense of justice -- he served his country, he served his community. Sure, he probably did some unspeakable crime, but he's on lockdown, baby pop. He's probably very "mussular," ladies.

And what's best ... you know he isn't two timing you ... at least not with another woman. And, um, probably not of his own volition ... but that's neither here nor there. He will be faithful, after a fact, in his own special way.

Yes, yes, that whole "Row" thing is a bummer, yes, but at least you know how your own little Harlequin novella will end, no? And isn't it romantic, his dying at the hands of an unjust state? It's like a Bold and the Beautiful storyline, or, at least, a LifeTime movie starring Nancy McKeon or Meredith Baxter Burney, but this time the woman will not be scorned. The struggle against the cirminal justice system will bring you and your "punk" closer, in your private struggles against "The Man." How romantic.

And Gentlemen. Don't think I've forgotten you. I have got a hot one for you. Meet Jacqueline de Bruce, inmate number 185345 "residing" in Wetumpka, AL:

"I am a 35 year old African-American female who is submissive to a man. I have full suductive lips and a nice figure. I am looking for a pen pal."

Oh, you had me at "hello." And you know where she is 24/7, you know, fo shizzle. I'll bet all the guards in Wetumpka, AL are in a tizzy over this eye candy. She's not slipping out at night while you are at work, trying to make ends meat (insert Good Times theme song) going to the club with her little friends. When she says she's in the commisary, you know she's telling you the truth. And she has a nice figure, after a fashion -- or so she says.

Jailhouse love, people. Becauyse it's all about trust; and in this day and age, the only way we can trust, is to be sure that our partners are incarcerated. Jailhouse pen pals: It's the new black.