Memo From Dick Gephardt to Staff

Dear Staff:

First off, I would like to thank you for your unwaivering support in these last days leading up to the crucial Iowa primary that will make or break my Presidential campaign.

Now to the point of this memo. While I am painfully aware that a Gephardt campaign does not relay the same social cachet as most of the other Democratic campaigns, or more particularly, for that matter, the Clark run, I am a bit disappointed that we have not shored up a number of key endorsements.

Sure, if you want to hear Madonna extol the virtues of Kabbala bracelets, or Christopher Guest, you go to see Wesley Clark. And if you want to hear solid discourse on NAFTA and the history of organized labor in the Midwest, then you come see me.

And if you want to see Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon and Michael Douglas -- those glamour pusses -- then you go to sign up for Dean's campaign. But if you want to hear bold ideas on Universal Pensions and an International Minimum Wage, come on down, you are welcome here.

And if you want Ashton Kutcher, then your punk is John Edwards. But if you're worried about getting punked by the privatization of Social Security, heck, I'm your man.

Uma Thurman and Jamie Lee Curtis? John Kerry. Uma wouldn't have gotten all mussed up by Bill and the Divas if we had had vigorously enforced gun safety laws.

Even Dennis Kucinich has Willie Nelson, and Danny Glover. Well, even old Willie can't smoke me out on my commitment to, uhm, agriculture.

While we have racked up impressive endorsements from prominent celebrities like Barry Manilow, Tony Bennett and Michael Bolton, we must keep up the pressure. Stars influence decisions, just ask Walter Mercado! And when it comes to decision time, I want Iowan votes.

Has anyone put in a call to Spandau Ballet? Dexy's Midnight Runners might be a good group to get on the horn. I'd imagine a rousing performance of Come on Eileen might go over well in those critical Southern primaries.

And what of Berlin? They take my breath away, and I'm sure Air Force Academy cadets nostalgic over Maverick's Top Gun will do a do a 4G negative dive over those fellas.

What I'm saying is get to it, guys, these are the last days, and we need C Listers.

Thanks,
Dick