Tara Reid Gets All Crunked Up

As I, Claudius began with pagan dancing, let us also begin 2004 in a somewhat Saturnalian mode. With a catfight.

You may already have heard of the little contretemps between that boozy slice of American Pie, Tara Reid, and the so-called most downloadable babe, Cindy Margolis, but I'm pretty sure you will want to hear about it again.

That significant cultural artifact the National Enquirer feeds our prurience thusly:

" ... When the two women met up, witnesses said, Tara made a disparaging remark about (restauranteur Guy) Starkman to Cindy -- who flew into a major rage.

"(Margolis) grabbed Tara by her hair and yanked her off her bar stool onto the ground, say witnesses.

(The Corsair munches on unsalted pocorn, eyes firmly affixed to computer screen)

"Then the two feuding femmes began scratching, gouging and rolling on the pricey parquet floor while trying to land punches.

"'It was a knock-down-drag-out fight of the type that was never seen in this place.

(The Corsair wipes a single bead of sweat from his furrowed brow)

"'... It was horrendous, or beautiful, depending on who you asked.

(The Corsair sighs, mouthing the word beautiful)

"'There was some difference of opinion about the husband of one of the gals, and off they went.

"'They were rolling around on the floor.

"'There was no blood, but there were handfuls of hair left on the floor."

(The Corsair's eyes widen)

"In time the two were separated and Cindy was ushered out the back door of the bar.

"The 'judges' at the bar unanimously declared 35-year-old Cindy -- who at 5-foot-7 is two inches taller than featherweight Tara -- the winner. When the smoke finally cleared, slightly red-faced Tara, 28, returned to her stool for more cranberry vodkas. "

Poor Tara. If she had actually won the fight, chances are she would still be getting crunked up on Vodka and cranberries.

God bless the National Enquirer.