Eminem Rescues Suicidal Ex-Wifey

Significant cultural artifact Star Magazine reports that Eminem "rescued" his troubled (read: insane in the membrane) ex-wife and lyrical muse Kim Mathers. Livin la Vida Loca with America's favorite "dramedy" The Mathers Family. (produced by Assad Kelada, of course, laugh track optional)

Let me try and untangle this twistedness for you, my little pomegranates. In the pilot episode, follow me as Kim Mathers disappears for two weeks in November, missing court appearances for drug charges in Michigan.

But Kimmy not only vanishes without a trace, she cuts off the ankle tether issued under court-ordered house arrest (The Corsair rolls his eyes and says nothing). Oh no, she didn't! (roll laugh track) What will that wacky chick do next?

Star reporter Bob Hartlein reports in the latest issue that Eminem's uncle, Todd Nelson, told him, "I heard she had planned to kill herself down in Cancun, a place she's always loved, and where she wanted to die."

Thanks for sharing, Uncle Todd.

Nelson, the source for the story, told Star, "Eminem persuaded Kim to turn herself in and posted her $50,000 bail. He also claims Kim is upset about having to receive in-house drug treatment in January, noting, 'She's threatening suicide again.'"

Nothing says loving like a court-ordered ankle tether ...

A family under house arrest stays together ...

Uncles who tell family tales to tabloids ...

Well, you get the idea.