Sumner Redstone: "I Have Witnessed More Than Enough Economic Cycles"



In what can only be properly construed as the media understatement of the year, The NYTimes reports today that Methuselan media overlord Sumner Redstone, reeling after the lower-than-expected ad sales of his increasingly irrelevant basic cable channels, told a conference call with analysts, "I have witnessed more than enough economic cycles."

Of course he has. That goes without saying. With secret elixirs and probably more than a whisper of alchemy, Sumner has probably lived, unlawfully, many, many lifetimes. He probably farts dust. What's an economic quarter to a man like Sumner? Redstone could have added, laconically, "I have seen the hubris of the Age of Reptiles. I domesticated the Great Cats. I walked the earth at the dawn of man. The rise and fall of civilizations. I took up arms for Caesar in the Gallic Wars. Let me please introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste."

And then Redstone could have also have hissed, out of the corner of his mouth, "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glittering in the dark by the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."