Wednesday, May 26, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Richard Simmons is so very, very In. Or, should I call the curly haired darling "Milton," because, according to the court papers released, Richard Simmons' real name is Milton Simmons (I know, I'd change the name too, baby pop).

Remember, he was arrested in some dreadful fiasco involving the bitchslapping of some wrestler:

"Arrested in March for (bitch) slapping a Harley Davidson salesman/ex-con/cage wrestler at an Arizona airport, Richard Simmons is now officially in the legal clear. A misdemeanor assault charge against the diet guru, 54, was dismissed last Friday by a Phoenix judge, according to the below Municipal Court records. The dismissal came as part of a 'misdemeanor compromise' requested last week by slapee Chris Farney and signed off on by the city prosecutor. Such a compromise can include monetary compensation for the victim, but Simmons's lawyer, James Nesci, declined to say whether Farney, 23, was paid. Earlier this month, Farney told TSG he had hired a civil attorney to look out for his interests, adding that he had not decided whether to sue Simmons over the March 24 incident. We're guessing Farney opted for a little green instead of a protracted litigation that surely would have dredged up his rap sheet and the nearly three years he spent in prison for an aggravated assault conviction (a buddy was seriously injured when a drugged-up Farney crashed his car). Simmons was busted following a confrontation with Farney ... at the Sky Harbor International Airport. The trouble started when Farney (6' 1" and 255 pounds) spotted Simmons (5' 7", 155 pounds) and called out, 'Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's.' According to a Phoenix Police Department incident report, Simmons responded by walking over to Farney and announcing, 'It's not nice to make fun of people with issues.' He then slapped Farney in the kisser. The motorcycle salesman then called the cops, who popped Simmons for assault."

(Averted gaze) Alright, now: if chubby little 'Milton' sashayed over to me in his poom poom shorts, brillo pad of hair waving in the wind, with malice in his eyes, saying what he said, wouldn't you, if you were a wrestler, block the shot and rock his universe? I'm talking ka-pow, right in the noggin. Pop, lock and block, Mr. Farney; do your thing, handle your bidness, don't be fucking preposterous. And don't tie up the court system with your frivolous shizzle. Just recognize a player when you see one.

Out: Graydon Carter, at least figuratively, according to the folks at is out:

"Coast to coast, Times to Times, everyone is calling for Graydon�s head. Well, they won�t get it. But at some point, we all know one day Graydon will ride down those Cond� Nast elevators, get into his Town Car, and ride off into the sunset�or onto Sunset. And he might even get his own Oscar. But don�t fret, Cond� Nast HR�we come to your rescue with The Daily Graydon poll.

"Between today and June 15th, when you all will have recovered from your Memorial Day mimosas, Daily readers are invited to submit their Graydon replacement candidate in a brief paragraph (which, around here, means a one-liner) to On June 15, we will delight you all by publishing your entries. (Don�t worry Arthur Carter, we keep everything anon. You just can�t vote twice.)"

The Corsair would like to nominate VH1's Michael Hirschorn, one of the coolest guys in the room. Should he want to step away for a moment from his fast-moving career at Viacom TV, Michael would be perfect at VF.

Page Six's Richard Johnson and Christopher Buckley and even Harry Evans would also be my top picks.

This could easily be the next media party game. Too addictive. I see Choire is angling for Susan Sontag. Sweet.

But won't that cause some frisson between her and Annie Liebowitz, who dumped Susan for the nanny (averted gaze), and who often does cover shoots for VF? Or maybe Choire is setting up some scoops for himself.

In: Fabian Basabe, writer at Details, the magazine for -- wink, wink -- metrosexuals, and other like minded men who fancy, uhm, excessive grooming. You'll remember the well scrubbed Fabian as the dude who drrrty danced with hottie presidential daughter Barbara Bush, she of the steely intelligent gaze (a rarity in the Bush family). According to Fashionweekdaily:

"Fabian Basabe, the 'It Boy' who�s provided tons of fodder for gossip hounds, is switching teams! The 26-year-old social scenester will be writing a piece for Details magazine, the Dan Peres-helmed metrosexual bible. The story will accompany a fashion spread starring, you guessed it, Fabs! Though the new scribe was initially contacted for a profile, talks quickly heightened and his story will now accompany the multi-paged spread."

The only Details I want from Basabe is what went on with that sexy wild girl Barbara Bush at the afterparty. Ka-pow!

Out: Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang-bang, Ice T is "The Warrior." According to those Page Sixers, Ice, in addition to being a network star, is also a pimp and pornographer:

"In between Ice's edifying observations, porn stars are shown engaging in an eye-popping variety of graphic sex scenes.

"'Strippers are my favorite type of ho because they do not believe they are prostitutes,' Ice says in the (pornographic) video. 'A lot of them believe they are entertainers. Well, if you're an entertainer, you don't get off that goddamn stage. Lap-dancing is not entertaining. Lap-dancing is prostitution.'

"Ice, who last plied his pimping trade many years ago and is married now to a frequently photographed blond bombshell named Coco, also opines in the video: 'It's funny. Free [bleep] always costs you more. The wife is the ultimate ho.'

"He also calls pornography 'the ultimate, final level of the mother[bleeping] game, the pimp game,' and leaves viewers with this tantalizing truism: 'All of us are hos in one way or another, but very few will ever get the chance to truly pimp.'"

And here I thought "the smarts" was the ultimate, final level of the motherfucking game; then agin, we watched too much 80s tv (especially that "special" episode of Diffrnt Strokes where Dudley got "touched" and the Sesame Street where Mr. Hooper died).

In: The Reality TV trend continues unopposed, in

"Q: The 2004-05 fall TV season was unveiled to advertisers last week. What are the most interesting trends?

"A: Jack Myers, editor and publisher, Jack Myers Report: 'NBC and ABC, as well as The WB, are clearly taking a new approach to scheduling that more closely resembles cable than broadcast, with short-flight runs, shared time periods and heavy doses of reality fare the dominant trends for fall. Reruns are out, reality is in, and almost everyone is suddenly talking long and loud about the importance of scheduling original programming 52 weeks a year. Fox began beating this drum last year, and announced aggressive plans to program original fare on a year-round basis. Only CBS is holding firm to the traditional model of premiering new and returning series early in the season, placing little emphasis on midseason replacement shows or limited run programs. These strategic shifts raise the question about network profitability, and how the escalating cost of TV programming can be fully amortized without a repeat strategy and with declining international sales value.'"

Out: Tony Blair, George Bush's poodle; or, I prefer, keeping things Saxon, Bush's Springer Spaniel. Gag him with a fork, guys, he is done.

He tells CNN that he "absolutely agrees" with the President, glossing over the fighting of iraq war by passing on bogus intelligence through Ahmad Chalabi:

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has told the House of Commons he is "absolutely agreed" with U.S. President George W. Bush on the transfer of sovereignty to Iraq.

"He said multinational forces would remain in Iraq by the consent of the interim government which will have ultimate strategic decision-making powers, but there was no question of coalition troops being under anything other than coalition command.

"'We are both absolutely agreed there should be full sovereignty transferred to the Iraqi people and that the multinational force should remain under American command,' Blair said when questioned about apparent discrepancies between London and Washington."

"Iranian intelligence has been manipulating the US for several years through Chalabi," said Larry Johnson, a former senior counter-terrorist official at the state department. But Blair has nothing to say on that.

Good dog, Ubu, good dog.

In: Miu Von Furstenberg, my future first wife, if she can put up with my love of Classical literature and 70s and 80s tv references (particularly the 70s show Eight is Enough), with this delicious May 19th entry:

"We had a bevy of celebrity sightings (no Justin or Cammy). Michael Eisner, (chews with his mouth open) okay he's not a celebrity but, he fucks over them. Elijah Wood who was with a bevy of young cute boys, one of which was Kevin Ricardson from the Backstreet Boys. This was a little confusing to us, since Kevin isn't one of the gay ones from the group. Tom Green who we overheard spouting off something about some E3 conference - it had something to do with videogames.

"As we were finish our dinners, we were sent over two Courvoisier's (how street) from someone at a table on the other side of the room. I, of course, had to find out who sent over the cocktails. As I was making my way over to the table, I body slammed into Peter Krause (from Six Feet Under). We both apologized profusely, and he turned very red (but looked very fuckable). I completely lost my train of thought, and headed back to our table.

"I had a hangover this morning."

We love you, Miu; we really do.

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