Harry Potter and the Chattering Class

Allow me to amend an months old blog and update it for the new readers (AKA people who wouldn't give me the time of day when my blog was puke green and electric blue):

Far be it from me, a lowly blogger, a peddler of the snark, to impede the progress of all the primping and preening that goes on among the chattering classes. I mean, they do deserve their time to waddle in the sun being as they explain reality to the rest of the world daily, via their nesting centers in NY, DC and LA, and occasionally Davos and The Charlie Rose Show and, sometimes, the cover of Vanity Fair (unless, of course, you are African-American)

Sometimes the chattering class appear to be unruly students at J K Rowlings' mythical Hogwarts, struggling in childlike wonder with The Big Questions of Our Day in
ermine robes of state (The New Yorker is especially good at this). Imagine, if you will, Eisner or, say, Michael Powell, as Voldemortian forces lying in wait in support of media consolidation! Not too much of a wizarding stretch, I hope.

And so, I present, as it were, on the fly, a virtual Hogwartsesque yearbook, in tandem with the latest Harry Potter release (the school song a martial, Murdochian anthem, possibly in Mandarin Chinese?), without the pictures:

For your pleasure, Rupert Murdoch HS, Class of 2004 (stands at attention, hums anthem solemnly):

roll credits

Who's Who:

Barry Diller, Headmaster, Dumbledoresque mogul standing athwart media consolidation

Don Imus ... shifty-eyed leathery janitorial-type (think of the creepy Carl the Janitor in The Breakfast Club) ... Slytherin ... Affrimative Action for leathery geeks past their expiration date

Felix Dennis, (rolls eyes; extended averted gaze) Sex ed, to be sure ... like most rich eccentric Brits, aspires to be a cigarette-smoking artist (poet); a Byron ... some of his lines: "As jealousy anticipates revenge/
So envy swamps compassion in its wake; Thus petty men seek insults to avenge/ And reaching for a ladder grasp a snake" ... the snake reference is obvious, but ... what-the-fuck?! ... so, Mr. Beer and Bikini wants to throw down poesis? ... Pussy-boy

Harvey Weinstein, Lucky Mascot, who portrays a rat named Eisner ... Although Big Harv fills out the mascot costume well, his feet are dainty: he cannot fill Michael's shoes... tough guy... hangs with Pat Buchanan, Steve Brill and the Dead Rabbits, the school gang ... aggressive bad taste (the anti-Kurt Andersen), which becomes evident when he slices and dices a true auteur's bacon ... Thanks for giving us Benigni, ass ... soon to become rich off of serendipity, and Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911 ... Fortune smiles on the Weinsteins ... A/V Club ... Slytherinesque

Jim Romenesko, Head, Gryffindor House ... dry wit ... Best Personality ... creator of the most significant media blog ... humor, letters, memorials and breaking news for us navel-gazers

Bonnie Fuller, The Dark Arts ... "I was the girl in the front row of class with my hand held very high. And I wore glasses." ... Thanks for sharing ... Will shadenfreude turn against Bonnie? ... well known for giving her students inordinate, no, Gargantuan amounts of homework ... burning bridges, making benjamins ... gossip zeitgeist 101 ... doesn't play well with Jann

Walter Isaacson, Diplomatic History ... serious man with the weight of history on his shoulders ... casts a cold eye towards the purple twilight emanating from Washington and sees, with gemlike clarity, the crisis of the West ... Time Inc and Old Man Luce's old job aint what it used to be ... waiting for something better to come along ... future Secretary of State? ... N'Orleans ... coiled potential energy ... founder, Model UN ... a good man and hard worker ... Hufflepuff

Harry Evans, American History, Department Chair .. Oh, Mr. Magoo, you did it again! ... a bit distant ... house husband ... Tina Brown is his A student, Al Gore to his Marty Peretz ... writes elaborate coffee table books that no one really reads ... well liked in the media ... hosts "events" for out-in-the-wilderness weekly called ... The Week (which wifey Tina plugs on her very own Topic A).

Roger Ebert, Cinema, Chair ...Most European Midwesterner ever ... argumentative in a grandfatherly way ... simplistic thumbs up technique of cinema criticism ... will give at least one crappy studio picture the thumbs up per show, just so that Hollywood doesn't lock him out altogether and also to show that he has a sense of humor about poo... would rather be watching Resnais ... what was he thinking in going with that egocentric Frat Boy, Roeper for TA?

Arianna Huffington, Women in History and Art ... Absolutely brilliant and rhetorically stunning ... Our Livia Frighteningly ambitious ... Darkly beautiful in her wraith ... Then: rival for Sally Quinn's social position as doyenne of DC; Now: so Unelected Mayor of Hollywood ... Ravenclaw

Sidney Blumenthal ... How to brownnose your way from "objective" observer to Presidential aide ... more popular in Europe, while his rival, Christopher Hitchens is, ironically, more popular in America ... as smart as he is well dressed ... Ravenclaw ... Great haircut.

Donald Trump, Milton Friedman Chair, Economics ... "you're fired" ... odd implausible orangey hair ... likes Eastern European women ... "there is no such thing as a free lunch" ... short fingered vulgarian ... purchased a modeling agency and a beauty pagent ... insatiable publicity hound ... louche: there is no other way to describe this man: turned Mar a Lago, an historic and palatial home, a masterpiece, into a pay-per-play resort (cafe society debutantes and Town and Country subscribers faint on cue) ... plasters his Hancockian signature on every monstrosity he erects... a gassbag ... a strong argument against democratic capitalism ... so Slytherin it hurts

Steve Irwin, Care of Magical Creatures ... Mulleted ; a grown man who wears short pants .. for he so loved the aligators that he was prepared to give his child ... your typical yabbo

Greta Von Susteren, Defense Against the Dark Arts ... don't let the flawless legalese fool you, this former lawyer, Gret, is also a former Swedish Foreign Exchange Student ... "is -- ya-ya?" ... can't give her books away, God bless her ...bolted sinking AOHell for the sly FOX ... the latest lawyer turned journo to get some "face" ... and speaking of face, don't even get me started on her eyes

Sue Simmons, Potions ... longtime anchor of evening news cast ... does not play well with others ... no, don't ask me why I included Sue here, I can't figure it out either ... flubs cue cards regularly.

Maureen Dowd, Transfiguration ... sexy, hip bohemian aunt type ... apparently she dated Michael Douglas ... regularly vivisects the Bush Administration

Ted Turner ... fired his own son ... Jane Fonda tried to hook him up with subservient Republican Bo Derek

Larry David, Hufflepuff ... hard worker ... peeves easily ... the postmodern Charlie Brown

Dick Parsons, Juggling ... gee, thanks for transferring the CEO job to me right here, right now, Gerry

Coach Regis Philbin, Football ... wanna be tough guy circa 1950 cred was shot when "Coach Reege" took off his shirt in protest of a referees decision and revealed unseemly "man teats" ... likes to play career-enhancing sugar daddy to younger girls ... Brylcream man ... essentially, harmless ... looks like the type of man who wears (makes bracket marks in the air) "old man" garters

Martin Peretz, Civics Chair ... Does not call on African American Students ... Secretly compares every student to his star pupil, Al Gore '00 ... out of power and melancholy about it ... oh, so godamm Slytherin

Upperclassmen

(Intermezzo)

David Remnick, Senior ... Hufflepuff ... lends intellectual glamour to the Conde Nast set

Fareed Zakaria, Senior ... dreams dark and reptilian dreams of becoming Secretary of State ... Junior Kissinger-Metternich Appreciation Society, founder and sole member ... regards the post at State as, "my preciousss" ... oh, just so ya know: Slytherin .... Why Bismark Matters 101 ... weeps openly at Wagner's Der Ring Des Niebelungenlied when Wotan steals the ring of power ("it's so true!").

Christopher Hitchens, Senior ... formidable debater ... a good man ... The Corsair's first media mentor ... does not play well with Sidney Blumenthal ... pugnacious, honest ... Next Move: MSNBC Show?

Kurt Andersen, Senior. Most Likely to Succed ... National Honor Society ... Architecture Club ... Ham Radio ... Editor, ... dry as a martini ... Elder Brother of New York Media ... sharp eye ... highbrow aesthetics ... Next move: PBS documentary on the Media

Bill Kristol, Senior ... Most Intellectual boy ... however, misreads Plato; CW: Neocons down, Realists up! ... didn't mesh well with Cokie and Sam ... hijacked US Foreign policy with his pen ... Most Likely to Misuse Power ... Senior Officer ... Next Move: Senior Foreign Policy Advisor

Christiane Amanpour and Jamie Rubin ... The Investigators ... National Honor Society ... Power Couple ... Best All Around ... Madeline always liked him best ... She does a heck of a lot of reporting on blood, mutilation and body fluids ... is he a future Secretary of State? Over Isaacson's dead body ... she: Orianna Falaci; he" Thomas Jefferson ... so International Chic that it hurts

Maria Bartiromo, Senior ... flirts with Francis Ford Copolla (Francis said that for her he had a part, but The Corsair believes he just wants a piece)... Big waifish eyes known to make grown men turn to calamari estofado ... call me, Maria? ... (The Corsair goes back to wistfully nursing a double shot of Cutty Sark)

Michael Hirschorn, Senior . Best Personality ... Editor ... Most Friendly ... Full of Most Smiles ... Turned the boring campus tv station into "must see" tv ... Everybody's Favorite Cousin ... Next Move: Heading up mini prestige studio, the next Miramax

David Letterman, Senior ... Number two to Leno ... Midwestern Existential Americana: observe carefully Kierkegaard's Concept of Dread play itself out on network television in real time ... mellowing out; growing up ... accepting of himself ... Varsity Football ... Wittiest ... in the reddish-bronze twilight of his career ... passes the torch and becomes a happy family man (a ream of the red states as opposed to a dream of the red mansion)

Eric Alterman, Senior ... Not handsome ... looks to be in a perpetual state of constipation ... the official face of the left (The Corsair slowly, disgustedly claps hands sarcastically, like Bender in the Breakfast Club upon seeing Molly Ringwald apply lipstick with her breasts) ... Worst Personality ... National Honor Society ... phony liberal: rails against aristocratic hierarchy, yet covets swishy party invites to media events ... dick ... Wenner school of liberalism

Andre Leon Talley, Senior ... deceptively intelligent despite position of distinction among the Conde Nast crowd, who favor, uhm, lightness of being ... Mitigating factor: Diana Vreeland watched Soul Train with him; how cool is that? ... next move James Truman's anyone?


Katrina Van Den Heuvel, Gryfindor, Senior ... pretty and brainy student of Russian poetry, history and philosophy ... Most Courteous ... waifish, idealistic and striving for the good... Best All Around ... lone voice among angry commentators ... often in over her head ... a good and honest woman ... next move: Ambassador to Russia?

Les Moonves, Senior, Slitherin ... Mr. Julie Chen ... a wanna be big screen thespian with a face made for for back office politics

Richard Johnson, Senior ... The epitome of cool ... arbiter elegentiae, baby ... Our Petronius, and we wouldn't have it any other way

Michael Wolff, Senior. National Honor Society ... Young Enterpeneurs ... Goes where the action is ... sharp social observer ... can be abrasive ... not afraid to mix it up in the business world, which is rare among writers ... doesn't play well with Tina ... Vanity Fair bound

Anna Wintour, Senior Too Cool For School ... Winter Sports Queen ... Fashion plate ... Joined at the hip with Andre Leon Talley ... Chair, Remove the Popcorn Machines From the Cafeteria Drive ... resolved: food should have no smell ... "I need these minks killed in the most horrid way imaginable ... it adds to the lustre of the coat" ... called Cruella de Ville behind her back... cranky cause she's hungry

Campbell Brown, Senior ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Most Courteous ... "hottie" ... What ever happened with Richard Branson that night when he stole your shoe?

David Hershkovits and Kim Hastreiter, Seniors. Most School Spirit ... Wittiest Couple ... nurturers of the bohemian flame ... next move: VH1 or E! Network show

Michael Musto, Senior ... Class Favorite ... a good man: Gryffindor all the way ... Wittiest ... bohemian ... the downtown scoop

Charlie Rose, Senior ... Has amiably carried the Dick Cavett mantle in his stately bill ... Most Courteous ... "Lawrd almighteh, when will Wallace retire so that I can take his spot!" ... Could have been a fine Democrat Senator from NC -- he has the name recognition and the looks -- but, ultimately, that doesn't pay as much as CBS and Bloomberg

Jon Stewart, Senior ... Class Clown ... Gryfindor all the way ... a good man who made us laugh after the horror of 9-11 ... national treasure

Dan Rather, Senior ... Eerie serial killer-like stare (and, no, not the CBS one-eye)... Psychology Club ... Young Democrats ... signs off school Ham Radio program, "what's the frequency" ... Confused ... very strang; retire Dan, retire

Bill Mahar, Senior ... once class clown ... now more mature, tried by a bitchlap by the Mouse network ... chastened, now evenhanded in his insults to both right and left ... hugely talented but routinely overlooked ...

Wolf Blitzer, Senior ... The Wolf ... A-Woo! ... "Turn up that Memphis Bleek, Wolf" ... "Stop bogarting the last beer, Wolf" ... hungry like the Wolf ... busted smuggling beer into the rooms during Senior Ski Trip ... that crazy guy ... "Road trip, Wolfmeister! I got shotgun!" ... Best Personality ... he's not a bird, he's Wolf

Brian Lamb, Senior ... Serious Thinker ... Most School Spirit ... Martin Van Buren Society, founder and sole member ... "Pat Buchanan and Steven Brill stole my lunch money!" ... perhaps the only man to own a collectirs DVD set of everything dome by Ken Burns ... genuinely and passionately in geek love with all things American ... Hufflepuffish ... Hes not a Lamb, he's a dove.

Lloyd Grove, Transfer Student from DC. Started out slow, but is getting better ... the most Washington-Politics-based NY Gossip column ever ... We like Lloyd.

Toby Young, expelled ... flew back to Britain ... punk ass

Pat O'Brien, Senior ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... "Demi, what do you think of me as Governor of South Dakota?" ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... "Look at meeee"

Howard Kurtz, Senior ... editor, school paper ... protective of the institution of journalism ... Gryffindoresque ... got a little wrapped up in the K Street celebrity politics thing, but came around in time ... when will we see a Reliable Sources on the Graydon mess?

David Chase, Senior ... fuggedaboudit! ... ear for dialogue ... Why'd you kill Adriana?

Bruce Wasserman, Senior ... dates New York Mag, the head cheerleader, which comes with built in social cachet ... from geek to chic

Liz Smith, Senior ... Texan ... Likes to quote intellectuals up front to distract from puffy column: but we like puffy gossip, Liz ... good natured; Illuminati ... secretly controls New York

Geraldo Rivera, Senior ... shiny .. kisses and tells: in print! ... the ladies bathroom wall has detailed warnings of this man's antics: Bette Midler? Kisses fingers when he signs off his Fox News show ... running gag at the Washington's Correspondents Dinner, but doesn't get the joke ... ex-lawyer turned journo: that explains everything (Think Brill)


Tina Brown, Senior ... Topic A: Party Girl ... Gabba, Gabba, Hey ... Secretly dating Mr. Evans, the American History Teacher ... Gossip! ... "Where's Barry Diller?" ...Wild about Harry ... "Barry?"

Graydon Carter, Senior ... Leader of the Snobby Conde Nast Clique ... Too Cool For School ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Young Democrats ... Winston Lights ... That's so First Room, Toby ... Bloomberg Sucks ... architectonic hair Vanitas Vanitatum

Michael Barone, Senior ... Mathematics Club ... AV Club ... "Calvin Coolige Society ... "Pat Buchanan and Steve Brill stole my lunch money!" ... ... has bandy legs

Laura Zalaznick, Senior ... Most Intellectual Girl ... Art Club ... "Did you see that documentary last night on PBS?" ... National Honor Society ... The revolution will not be televised because we are the tv revolution

George Stephanopouos and Ali Wentworth, Seniors ... Golden Boy and Girl ... Twice a day? Really? ... A power coupling that has actually halved their cachet ... still the couple we love to discuss ... decidely not Christiane and Jamie

Tim Russert, Senior ... Gryffindor ... In a state of grace ... Saint Tim ... St Theresa of Avila Rosary Society ...
So, you really confronted Farrakhan about the spaceship and Yakub, the black scientist who Muslims belive created the white man? ... very cool ... Dean of Washington Press Corps

Chris Matthews, Senior ... The Ego has landed ... The Assistant Dean of Washington DC ... Conservative Democrats ... understands Americana backwards and forewards ... even handed, albeit quite enamoured of himself.

Laurie Duhe, Senior ... "Those pouty lips, those legs, those come hither eyes!"

Howard Stern, Junior ... King of the Geeks ... Drilled a hole in the Sumner Redstone Gym to peek at girls showering ... hides pornography in Student Lounge ... Move over Barbara Walters ... most likely to get slapped in the face during his first ABC interview with Angelina Jolie

Peter Jennings, Junior ... O, Canada! ... Young Democrats

Rush and Molloy, Juniors ... Cutest Couple ... Star reporters of The Daily News: most popular.

Diane Sawyer, Senior ... Next in line now that Barbara is gone ... Nice score on the Dean interview ... stately journalist ... America's Junior Miss in 1962 ... Deep Throat?

Jon Favreau, Junior ... Allegedly a "director"... Sell Out ... Not especially talented or even creative ... likes to pretend he is a vapid cigar smoking Hollywood exec even as he hosts show on IFC; Independent cinema is so over.

Dennis Miller, Junior ... Let's get this straight: Acting? Not an option ... HBO entertainment show? Nada ... Hair? Nope ... Republican Party Reptile? Priceless ... let's take a wait and see attitude re: his little "show"

Cramer and Ludlow, Juniors ... Hufflepuff ... Hardest Working Man in the Media (Cramer) ... Ludlow "more tax cuts" his hair ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite right

Martha Stewart, Junior ... Headed for detention ... and that's a good thing.

Joel Klein, Junior ... No Longer Anonymous ... Once objective journo, now card carrying member of the Washington Establishment ... Kerry booster ... once respectable and objective

Caroline Miller, Junior ... aggressive NY Times interview with boxing gloves as prop ... watch the pageboy haircut, she'll slap you silly

Roger Friedman, Junior ... Quixotic feud with NY Times ...

Neil Strauss, Junior ... Foremer Times Style writer who uses geek techniques to trick girls into dating him ... Slytherin ..."I had provoked a negative reaction, but now at least we had a relationship. I just had to turn her anger around to make it a good relationship" ... fucking creepy

Victoria Gotti, Sophomore ... Welcome to the wonderful world of publishing, fuggedaboutit!

Mary Kate and Ashley, Freshmen

Steve Cojocaru, Freshman

Keep in Touch: Judith Regan ... Bryant Gumbell ...