Eisner, Tyrannus

Or, Eisner Rex, with apologies to Oedipus

When last we left Our Fearless Leader, Michael Eisner, in Orlando, shares of Disney were down to $23.68. There was a plague in the House of Mouse, and Eisner was determined to find out what it was.

�In the tide of death from which there is no escaping, Death in the fruitful flowering of her soul, Death in the pastures, And pestilence, a fiery demon gripping the city� Sophocles, Oedipus Tyrannus

Eisner

My children, latest born to Disney old,
When you wish upon a star, and all that jazz
Branches of olive filleted with wool?
What means this reek of incense everywhere,
And everywhere laments and litanies?
O, Mickey Mouse Club, it were not meet that I should learn
From others, and am hither come, myself,
I, Eisner, your world-renowned king.
My zeal in stockholder behalf ye cannot doubt;
Ruthless indeed were I and obdurate
If such petitioners as you I spurned.

Disney Shareholder's/ Chorus

A blight is on our nation in the war on Terror,
A blight upon the economy,
A blight on ABC in travail; and withal
Armed with his blazing torch the God of Plague
Hath swooped upon our company emptying
The house of Mouse, and the murky realm
Of Pluto is full fed with groans and tears.

I, Eisner

Ah! my poor Mickey Mouse Club, known, ah, known too well,
The quest that brings you hither and your need.
Both for the general and myself and you,
But I will not resign this plummy post.

Enter Michael Moore, fresh from visiting the narrator of Fantasia.

Michael Moore

If thou wouldst watch my documentary publicly,
I'll tell thee straight, or with thee pass within.

Eisner

Speak before all; the burden that I bear
Is more for these my subjects than myself.
Tell us what the narrator of Fantasia has said.

Michael Moore

Let me report then all the god declared.
The Lion King bids us straitly extirpate
A fell pollution that infests the land,
And no more harbor an inveterate sore.

Enter Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob Thornton

Remember the Alamo.

Eisner

I'm trying to forget.
But, what is this pestilence?
Who is to blame for the falling share prices?

Enter Jeffrey Katzenberg

Eisner

We're not casting for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, you midget.

Katzenberg

(casually) Oh, I just happened to read that the box office for Shrek has broken all manner of records.

Eisner

(seething) Good for you.

Katzenberg

Yes, Dreamworks SKG is considering going public. And we just greenlighted two sequels. Everyones doing fabulous, not like this plague-ridden Disney. What happened? Why is Disney such a disaster?

Eisner

(from clenched teeth) Thats. What. I'm. Trying. To. Find. Out.

Katezenberg (exiting)

Well, when you do, let me know. We might have a Vice Presidency at the studio for you. Or something. Chow.

Eisner (alone)

What next?

Enter the Weinstein Brothers

Harvey

What happened here? It looks like the rack of lamb I destroyed at dinner last night ...

Eisner

The House of Mouse is plagued, and I intend to solve the riddle.

Bob Weinstein

We are looking for other corporate sponsorship, Eisner.

Harvey

Or maybe we should run United Artists? We need a better contract, Eisner, no more of this cheapskate Disney mouse food. We want fuck you money.

Weinstein's Exit

Eisner

(distracted) What next?

Enter Roy Disney

Eisner

Jesus

Roy

No, not Jesus, but his humble servant, Roy Disney.

Shareholder/ Chorus

Ah me, what countless woes are mine!
All our stock shares are in decline;
Weaponless my spirit lies.
Earth her gracious fruits denies

Eisner

Roy Disney, hearer who comprehendest all,
Lore of the wise and hidden mysteries,
High things of heaven and low things of the earth,
Thou knowest, though thy tone deaf ears hear naught,
What plague infects our city; and we turn
To thee, O hearer, our one defense and shield.

Roy Disney

Thy words, O CEO, are wide of the mark, and I
For fear lest I too trip like thee...

Eisner

Oh speak,
Withhold not, I adjure thee, if thou know'st,
Thy knowledge. We are all thy suppliants

puts on Mickey Mouse ears

Speak, so that I may hear the truth

Disney

(agitated) Well, it will come what will, though I be mute

Eisner

Since come it must, it is thy shareholder duty to tell me.

Disney

I have no more to say; storm as thou willst,
And give the rein to all thy pent-up rage.

Eisner

Oh yeah? Your dad may have made this company, but I saved it. I've surpassed your daddy's contribution to Disney. In fact, I'm changing my own name to Disney, since I am really the son he wished he had. I'm stealing your father.

Disney

Is it so? Then I charge thee to abide
By thine own proclamation; from this day
Speak not to these or me. Thou art the man,
Thou the accursed polluter of this company.

Eisner tears off Mickey Mouse ears at hearing the truth

Eisner

(howling) ahhhh! I've got a migrane.

Shareholder/ Chorus

The truth? He couldn't handle the truth.