Best of The Corsair

It's a slow week, what can I tell you. The DC-LA-NY power nexus is about as exciting as John Kerry's campaign. So, if you are new or not-so-new to this blog, I'll serve up some pipin hot Best of ... back when there was actually interesting news going on:

The Corsair takes on Al Sharpton on SNL

Oh yes (devilish grin widens, The Corsair rubs hands together) ... oh yes. The funniest guy at the otherwise regrettable Democratic Party debates is taking his shtick up in Lorne Greene's bitch. The stars are all aligned in forming a cosmic happy face. The wise men are coming from the east bearing gifts of Frankincense and Myrr. It's Christmastime in the city and on Saturday Night, Al Sharpton is going to help us all get a laugh on.

"Paris Hilton," report Rush and Molloy, "who has canceled all interviews, will join guest host the Rev. Al Sharpton and musical guest Pink on Saturday Night Live." So much the better.

That's right: Al Sharpton's hosting that countercultural Baby Boomer stronghold Saturday Night Live; and, coincidentally, his own pimp hand is also strong. The Corsair is salivating at the thought of Harvard Lampoon writers trying to not trip over themselves writing for the Reverend, who needs little help in cracking up an audience.

There are so many ways we can go with this:

"11:32: Opening Skit. Flashback: Sharpton debates patrician Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (played deftly by Darrel Hammond) for Senate in 1994. A rhyming Sharpton engages in (makes Italian hand gesture) "the dozens," while Moynihan, in vain, tries to steer the debate towards Iatrogenic Government. Hilarity ensues.

"11:40: Al Sharpton medallion skit.
The secret origins of Al's eye-catching medallion. Apparently it has come down from from an ancient African civilization of hustlers. The medallion imparts the gift of gab and is powered by solar energy.

"11:50: Al Sharpton: The Early Years. Driving around in "Tha Drrty South" doing doughnuts late at night with James Brown in parking lots. Hair coiffing techniques are discussed. Mobb Deep's Violators plays sinister-like in the background.

"11:55: Weekend News. Anchors Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon, telling Sharpton jokes, are interrupted by ... a slow walking ... upset ... you got it: Rev Al Sharpton! Oh no, they didn't!

"12:05: President Al Skit: What would happen if Al Sharpton won the Presidency? Pink Performs "Get The Party Started" at the Inauguration, as Al gets his boogie on, Harlemworld-style. Shuttle diplomacy over to solve the East Coast /West Coast gang friction; Al uses linkage, and a thorough knowledge of the balance-of-power-politics. Al brings peace to the Middle East by chatting up his love of James Brown's early music, drawing a bipartisan sing along ending with Sharon and Arafat joinging together for a stunning rendition of "Hot Pants." Al Sharpton marries a gay couple (Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch) in the White House, and brings together both left (Amy Poelher in hippie garb) and right (Jimmy Fallon in an evangelical preacher garb, wet from baptism)in a sermon on that funny thing called love, over some down home Sylvia's soul food ("love is like ... this pickled Okrah", "preach it Al,").

"12:10: Pink performs. Sharpton, drunk on attention, does back up vocals on 'Hooker' uninvited. Pink is not impressed.

"12:30: Paris Hilton- Al Sharpton tape surfaces, making the rounds at office Christmas parties. On tape Al is shown answering his cell phone and posing lewdly for the camera. Al tries to escape the media spotlight by heading home to Harlem, unfortunately, guys on 116th Street accost Sharpton for "getting with a girl that don't have no ass."

"12:45: Reality show. Al Sharpton must spend a month in The Hilton's world, attending premiers, walking past the velvet rope-- scantily clad. Sharpton must hold Hilton's teacup chihuahua Tinkerbell. Moral of the story? In the end, a teary eyed Sharpton confesses that 'a kid from the streets ... cannot manage this much papering.'"

"1:00: Signs off with a pajama party reading Twas the Night Before Christmas to Pink and Hilton."

Tim Robbins Versus Tucker Carlson

In this month's InStyle Magazine, tough guy lefty Tim Robbins does his best to appear all lighthearted and superficial. I mean, what better place to look vapid and harmless than in InStyle, which features, among other things, serious discussion about "Cindy Crawford's smouldering glam eye makeup" and "Colorful Yoga Bags." What the fuck?!

Anyhoo: The Timster almost pulls it off. Almost. The thimble deep magazine has the timerity to asks him about bowties ... and something goes horribly awry. Never ask Tim Robbins about bowties. He gets emotional. Gauntlets are thrown. See for yourself:

Tim Robbins: Bowties are for waiters

Robin Sayers: That's not what (Crossfire's) Tucker Carlson thinks.

Tim Robbins: Tucker Carlson can kiss my ass.

(The Corsair ponders the hugely disturbing visual for a moment, then resumes blogging)


The Zenith of the 80s

It is my theory that the 80s ended when Rob Lowe, playing Billy in St. Elmo's Fire, got on the greyhound at the end of the movie. More on "The Fire":

"Riding his bike in the pouring rain to a delightful uptown (DC) dinner party, (Emilio Estevez) presses his soaked nose to the windowpane, sucking in every inch of (Andy McDowell's) coltish beauty. Unable to restrain himself, he crashes the do, squelches in and approaches (her). She turns and drawls, 'How are yew?' His agonized reply: 'I'm obsessed, thank you very much.'

Figuring she's the kind of gal who's turned on by a high roller, he uses the home of the Korean lobbyist he's working for to throw a loud, lurid party in her honor. When she fails to show, he tracks her all the way to a ski lodge where she's, of course, weekending with a concerned medic. She tries to let him down gently, saying she's flattered, whereupon he grabs her and lays a big deep sucking kiss on her.

"This has the effect of transferring his infatuation. She's left shivering in the snow, her womanhood awakened. He speeds off whooping and punching the air in triumph."

Jonathan Bernstein, Pretty in Pink.

When did the 80s end?

"Somewhere in Secret History Donna Tartt says rightly that the magical weekend always officially ended with the Wonderful World of Disney, at 7pm on Sunday night. That's when one did one's homework. Officially the 80s ended the moment Rob Lowe gave Demi Moore his St. Elmo's Fire speech. The decade ended when Billy intoned: "This isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it. But the joke was on them. There was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep 'em going when times got tough. Just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time on the edge." Just like that with that gravelly world-weary voice: it's our time on the edge. And with that, the 80s abruptly ended as Billy took the Greyhound bus out of Georgetown with his loaded six string on his back. Lowe always knew that you leave a party while the gettings good: look at how he exited the West Wing before it jumped the shark.

Who is Ron Mwangaguhunga?