A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Desire as opposed to need, baby pop -- that's how we drop. Does that sound too trippy? Is The Corsair being a tad too Schopenhauresque in formulations? Let me do the remix, my little soupbones: Fashionweekdaily, overheard at �French Kiss,� a night of dinner, dancing and gambling to benefit Memorial Sloan-Kettering�s cancer center at The Mandarin Oriental Hotel�s Grand Ballroom, on bidding on the silent auction items, �Need is so ten years ago; it�s all about desire now.�

Out: Naomi Campbell gets the big Italian boot (ka-pow!) from Valentino ("don't let tha door hit ya , where the good lord done split ya"), reports JJ Martin of Fashionweekdaily:

"Campbell, whose level of celebrity here in Italy rivals the Pope, is being replaced by Gisele 'The Bod' B�ndchen. Gisele will be shot today and tomorrow in Val�s own backyard, Roma, by Mario Testino for the Fall/Winter 2005 campaign. Valentino hasn�t shot in Rome since 1995, when Arthur Elgort captured Claudia Schiffer looking as irresistible as Fellini�s fountain-bathing Anita Eckberg in La Dolce Vita.

Crazy, like Swayze: she's like the wind (ponders Naomi meaningfully, then goes back to the snarky gossip).

In: InStyle writer Erica Kennedy, the godmother of Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee's daughter Ming, is the author of Bling, which, it appears, has already made quite a bit of bling bling and hoopla among rap royalty -- names changed to protect the not so innocent.

The Page Sixers write:

"Vanessa de la Cruz, the 'bitchy faded supermodel,' is trying to open up her own image consultancy firm but doesn't like to do any real work, and is losing modeling gigs because of her bad attitude and age. Insiders giggle the character seems to be loosely based on Naomi Campbell, who last year started NC Connect, a publicity and image-relations firm.

"Meanwhile, Lena Whittaker, 'the wild, hip-hop-obsessed daughter of a powerful entertainment lawyer,' is a cross between Lizzie Grubman and Nicole Richie. At one point, Lena even hits someone with a glass - a la Richie's fracas at Bungalow 8 two years ago ("say you, say me ...").

"There's even a comic take on Combs' mother("is she too a 'natural blonde'?"), Janice Combs, via the character of Mama Jackson, a flamboyant older woman who rides on Lamont's coattails."

Writers can be so cruel. Present company excepted, surely. (altogether, now, my little soupbones: "... and don't call me Shirley")

Out: XTina cancels US Tour. Scandal ensues. According to the Sun, via Ananova, Christina Aguliera cancelled her tour at the last minute. According to Victoria Newton:

"Doctors ordered the star to pull out of a 28-date US tour to avoid permanently wrecking her vocal cords.

"The singer said: 'I really look forward to getting back out there and I�m using this time to write for my next record.

"'It�ll make the next time I play live bigger and better because I�ll have time to get things right for the next tour.'

"Revealing the cancellation to disappointed fans, Christina took a swipe at pop rival BRITNEY SPEARS who has been criticised for miming during her world tour.

"She said: 'I�ve had vocal strain in the past because I DO sing live.'"

Oh-oh, XTina's getting punchy; someone give her a film cameo, you know: she's beautiful ... no matter what they say. Although XTina made number 14 in the Rolling Stone Magazine 2004 Rock Rich List, with $27.9 million, and her tour last summer with Justin Timberlake sold out big cities, roughly one year ago Page Six reported that they were having problems selling tickets. Problems. Hmmm.

Then again, words can't bring her down.

In: According to the indispensible Page Six, this is the moment of truth for the Sex and the City movie (The Corsair plays The Final Countdown, by 80s hairband Europe):

"Sources say Kim Cattrall is still holding out, demanding pay and airtime equal to that of her nemesis Sarah Jessica Parker, and it's going down to the wire. 'If it doesn't happen this week, it doesn't happen,' said our insider. 'No one can believe Kim would pass this role up - it's not like there are that many offers on her table right now. HBO is desperately trying to convince her to do the movie, but it could go either way right now.'"

Nemesis. That sounds hott. Sounds vaguely superheroish. So, why not write a script capturing that nemesis chemistry: Carrie and Samantha catfight. Hey, I'm there.

Thousands of trim urbane women in Manolo Blahniks are pulling for Kim or HBO to come around. And The Corsair is right behind them in that imaginary demonstration line, checking out all their assets.

Out: Governor Shwartzenegger's Teutonic lack of a sense of humor, what a stereotype he is becoming -- what a bore. Apparently, the Governator is planning on suing an outfit that makes bobbleheaded dolls of him, according to the Smokinggun:

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is threatening to sue an Ohio company that is selling a bobblehead doll featuring the name and likeness of the California governor. In a blistering letter sent yesterday to the Ohio Discount Merchandise company, lawyer Martin Singer contended that Schwarzenegger was entitled to 'substantial damages' for the "unauthorized commercial exploitation" of the Republican pol's image on the $19.99 doll. With the exception of movie promotion, Singer noted that Schwarzenegger does not permit the use of his likeness on commercial products in the United States. Below you'll find a copy of Singer's letter. The Schwarzenegger doll, which went on sale about a month ago, is one of several bobbleheads featuring politicians that the Ohio firm sells (John Kerry, Wesley Clark, and Howard Dean also retail for $19.99, while George W. Bush would only set you back $14.95). The bobblehead company contends that since Schwarzenegger is now an elected official, his image is public domain."

Please Arnold: let's just chalk this whole unseemly episode up to the 'roid rage (how sinister does that sound?) -- you know and I know, big guy, that you must have know that you've got a boatload of hormones from the animal kingdom in you that you shouldn't have in you, dude, I'm talking about the wild horses, and what not, guy. The 80s were a different time; man to man, I know you did what you had to do -- it's bodybuilding, extreme stuff, hey, I'm socially liberal about that stuff.

Anyhoo: Fuck if I know, dude, but I'm not even fucking technically sure at this point that you can even be classified as human anymore, you know what I mean? -- just -- just withdraw from these legal procedings slowly and blame it on your unnatural equine tendencies, no one will think the less of you. Let me take a flying leap into the unknown on this and predict that Arnold loses the case. Badly. In fact, his pressing of the point makes him look a tad fascist about the press. Perhaps some enterprising reporters as a result probe his dodgy deal "editing" Muscle and Fitness magazines while governing Cal--ee--for--nee--ahhhh. He is embarrassed at his inability to look humorously at himself. Just a guess, mind you, just a guess.

In: Naomi Watts is single. According to the San Fransisco Gate, via the Daily Star:

"Hollywood beauty Naomi Watts has dumped her toyboy boyfriend Heath Ledger -- because he's 'so immature,' reports a British newspaper.
The '21 Grams' actress, 35, is fed up with being left embarrassed by 25-year-old Ledger's conversational skills and has decided to branch out on her own.

"According to the Daily Star, Watts said, 'He doesn't want to get married and have kids.

"'He is immature and unruly. He's always out clubbing with his friends.

"'He's so immature that it makes me look stupid for being with him.'

Naomi, I understand where you're going with this, he is a monosyllabic dummy, but he's 25. At 25 I sure as fuck know all I wanted to do was club and party and drink and make money. But I'm drinking milk ... so, Naomi ... call me?

Out: The rogue punk ass British troops who tortured the nameless, faceless Iraqi, who may or may not be even alive. Paul Byrne of the UK Mirror writes (ed: note pictures accompanying the story are intensely graphic):

"A HOODED Iraqi captive is beaten by British soldiers before being thrown from a moving truck and left to die.

"The prisoner, aged 18-20, begged for mercy as he was battered with rifle butts and batons in the head and groin, was kicked, stamped and urinated on, and had a gun barrel forced into his mouth.

"After an EIGHT-HOUR ordeal, he was left barely conscious and close to death. Bleeding and vomiting and with a broken jaw and missing teeth, he was driven from a Basra camp and hurled off the truck. No one knows if he lived or died."

Accompanying the story is an Iraqi man, face covered with a paper bag, bleeding from the jaw, and urinated on by British soldiers.

UK Mirror writes:

" ... Chief of the General Staff General Sir Michael Jackson said: 'If this is proven, the perpetrators are not fit to wear the Queen's uniform. They have besmirched the good name of the Army and its honour.'

"No 10 said: 'The Prime Minister fully endorses the general's statement.'"

In: From Flab to Fab: 90 days to a hot body, a la VH1. "Could you look like a rock goddess too if you had (a small army of personal trainers, nutritionists and stylists
demanding one more sit-up, counting every calorie and picking out the perfect
outfits to show it all off) at your beck and call? VH1 proves that 'real' woman can in
its two one-hour series, 'Flab to Fab,' premiering Monday, May 10th at 10:00
pm and Monday, May 24th at 10:00 pm."

Out: Trying to get the jump on Berkshire Hathaway's Warren Buffett, the second richest man in the world, and, if he will permit me to say, one crafty motherfucker. According to Bloomberg via The Age, when scalpers tried to make some money off Buffett online:

"Billionaire investment guru Warren Buffett is without doubt one of the most successful stockmarket investors of all time - and it appears he is just as savvy when it comes to sales strategies on the internet.

"When scalpers started hawking tickets to last night's annual meeting of Mr Buffett's famed investment vehicle, Berkshire Hathaway, in Omaha, Nebraska - offering tickets at $US117 ($A162) a pair on the eBay website - Mr Buffett, 73, jumped on to the online marketplace and offered 10,000 tickets at $US5 a pair. He blew away the competition.

"'He's got a situation where people are trying to take advantage of him,' said Donald Yacktman, of Yacktman Asset Management, in Chicago.

"'Count on Warren Buffett to do something like that.' Berkshire shareholders got four free passes to last night's annual meeting, described as 'Woodstock for capitalists' by Mr Buffett, and most take along at least two guests. The tickets are keenly sought - after all, it costs more than $US3000 to buy Berkshire's cheapest share and secure admission unless you can go along as a shareholder's guest."

While Woodstock for capitalists sound, uhm ... well, chic, you know, somewhat, for the economics majors and software company CEO-types, uhm, I guess(laughs nervously) : the big "to do" for tonight is still the White House Correspondents Dinner, and the crunk Bloomberg jumpoff after party ("the roof ... the roof ... the roof is on ... fire"). No offense to the cocktails and BBQ's in Omaha, and, oh, who can forget the 6 hour q and a with Warren Buffett --- sweet! Uhm: but no, Bloomberg's is still the pop off spot to get cookoo for cocoa puffs. Wonkette handicaps the tables, with a jaded but sexy eye:

ABC: "ABC's table is so hot it's practically glowing. Unanimous agreement from all sources. Says one, 'ABC managed a triple play --with heavy-hitter hotties from Hollywood (Affleck), Sports (Tom Brady) and Washington (Powell, Rumsfeld, Rove ... OK, well Rove's not exactly 'hot' but you know what I mean).'"

Bloomberg: "Hottt but not on fire like ABC. (Says one operative: 'Even though Bloomberg has the party tickets, I'd say ABC managed the most-impressive, most-enviable 'gets.'") Still, impressive: Candice Bergen, Minnie Driver, Drew Carey, Anna Kournikova. "

And, of course, Kwame will be at the all important Greta Von Sustern table ... (lulling sound of crickets in the moonlight) ... uh, hello?

In: And, while we are on Washington, Kerry needs to get a pit-bull running mate who is able to go negative, thus allowing him to look Presidential. Kerry is looking like Al Gore, Part II inside the beltway.

Who are the best pitbulls for this particular world-historical mission? Bill Richardson of New Mexico and the fiery and angry Max Cleland of Georgia. Hillary would be far too volatile being the attack dog -- she would only coerce the base to come out stronger for Bush, dashing Kerry hopes at swing voters.

I hate to say it, but John Edwards is too positive a man for this ugly mudslinging race (sorry John), although he would be a damn fine Attorney General, if Ralph Nader doesn't strongarm Kerry for that position at the last minute -- as we suspect that asshole will.

And to end on a positive note: In: Michael Musto has been updating La Dolce Musto as the week rolls by with top drawer gossip, to wit:

"BREAKING NEWS, 4.29.04 Watch out, Donald. IVANA TRUMP is about to announce the launch of her own reality show, called Girls on Top. More details next week.

"BREAKING NEWS, 4.30.04 Web exclusive: Rumors say pop princess MANDY MOORE is being considered for a role (presumably Glinda) in Wicked. That should be a walk to remember."

So keep your eyes peeled to the VV site. We are very pleased, as there is no such thing as too much Musto. So there. I don't care who knows it.