Paris Hilton To The Pokey



So, Paris -- like Macauley Culkin before her -- is about to find herself ensorcelled in a moist "Oz"-like scenario pretty soon (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). That little test tube baby!

Then again: Who are we really kidding with this whole Paris Hilton incarceration scenario? Does anyone think our vengeant prison system, as it is presently consituted, is going to "reform" Paris? Whatever does not kill her will make her goddam stronger; and Paris Hilton is pretty fucking unkillable.

Paris Hilton reminds us of a young Nicolette Sheridan. Leathery, cold, invincible. In the event of a nuclear nightmare scenario Sheridan and Keith Richards will be required to -- Eew -- repopulate the planet with a tougher, radiation-immune variation of our species.

But back to Paris: She shrugged off a porn tape that would have ruined any socialite with any sense of decency (Averted Gaze). Paris, as we all know, has such richly evolved reptilian survival skills that inside of 20 days she will be governing that damn joint. Within 15 days, Paris will be cutting the bathroom line without impunity (And, like in the clubs, if anyone --ANYONE -- acts out, saying it's "unfair," the rest of the inmates will just say, "Relax; it's Paris")

Paris will have "gen pop" concocting her customary vodka and lemonade "sterno" out of the fruit cup they serve at the commisary.

Frankly, we are rather amazed that her lizard-like survivability was not immune to The Herpes (tm). Perhaps that, like actual Labor and Intelligence, is her Kryptonite (Said with an air of restrained laughter)