Herpes Distances Itself From Paris Hilton



Paris is still burning.

Ever since the ParisExposed thingie informed us on racist-celebutante Paris Hilton's pharmaceutical fidelity to "Valtrex", the herpes drug (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment), we have wondered how the disease itself feels about that dubious connection. The Corsair spoke -- at a safe distance, to be sure -- to "Herpes."

Corsair: Uhm, Hello.

Herpes Simplex Virus: (Melancholy) hi.

Corsair: You seem down.

Herpes: How would you feel if much of the world adopted the use of condoms?

Corsair: -- Relieved?

Herpes (Irritated): I believe the word you are aiming for is frustrated. And now this --

Corsair: What?

Herpes (Embarassed): The association with Paris Hilton.

Corsair: Sucks to be you, huh?

Herpes: I'd just like to use this bit of media exposure to, like, distance myself from Paris Hilton. There -- I said it. It's harming my reputation, you know.

Corsair: No, I don't know. Tell me.

Herpes: Okay, I know I've never been regarded all that well by the hoi-polloi of humankind, but this is too much. I don't want to be associated with Paris Hilton. I don't want her name and my name to be a thing. Do you think it does me any good to be associated with Elijah Blue cleaning his wenis with caustic cleaning product? Paris is gross, yo, everybody knows that. I don't have the time. I am just a maligned biological organism trying to make my way in an increasingly hostile environment. An association with Paris Hilton is making a bad situation worse. I am not racist; I am an equal opportunity virus; I mingle with everybody. Can you help me out?

Corsair: Uh, I'll ... pass the word along. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make like a Preacher and get the Hell out of here.


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