Zach Braff, Drew Barrymore, Sex Eyes. Eew.



There is nothing wrong with Zach Braff that a stiff shot to the chops followed up with a roundhouse gut-punch couldn't remedy. Dammit, we actually like Drew Barrymore, little girl lost turned Mega-Producer (With backend points on "Charlie's Angels," smart). She .. had us at the Blow (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Fer Realsies, yo. We like her Venusian-Maneater-ness; it's so Liz Taylor-made with pathos, we could cry. And we like the fact that she smokes "Drewbies" with her galpal Cameron Diaz (No matter how rich or powerful one becomes, you can always smooth-your-head-out with a toke of the sweetleaf; pfffft). We love that Drew Barrymore jumped out of her car in Los Angeles traffic to barge into the car of Tom Green.

.. And You know how we feel about "The Crazy Chicks 9tm)" (They are a Blessing, and deserve our Love and Understanding)

But we cannot abide Zach Braff, that Contentious-Little-AssFace purporting to be a sensitive man of calibre (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). His studied impression of vulnerability and "I-Need-Saving" is clearly calculated to ensnare women who like to salvage the salvagable. And, granted, much as we like Drew, she is quite quirky and has, uh, Questionable taste in dudes (Don't be mad at us, Drew; You were the one who made out with an Arctic Monkey at Coachella). So when we heard about Zach Braff giving her "Sex Eyes," we dry-heaved a bit and then raised a coiled fist to the heavens, shouting: "Whyyy." From Gawker:

"We were never going to mention notorious cad Zach Braff again. But then, in today's mailbag: 'On saturday night we were at beauty bar on 14th...zach braff and drew barrymore arrived and danced the night away while he continued to give her "sex eyes"...there was a lot of making out. what happened to spike jones?' AND! 'Saw Drew Barrymore and Zach Braff sucking face on the dance floor late Saturday night/Sunday morning at Beauty Bar (14th and 3rd). Zach declined my offer for a shot of Jagermeister. The DJ declined my requests to play songs exclusively from the Wedding Singer and Garden State.'"

Dammit, Drew: Snap out of it.