Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out

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(image via cinemovie.info)

In: Razor Magazine. In this month's Razor Magazine, The Corsair -- your very own multimedia whorelet -- takes on The Governator, thusly:

"No one quite climbs the American social ladder like Arnold Schwarzenegger does. (The Corsair pops a desiccated beef liver tablet) He simultaneously inspires in us peals of theatrical laughter and a shameful freak show curiosity. New to the 'upright posture' game, the evolutionarily-challenged Gubernator is not without his oily, simian charms (The Corsair averts his gaze). Groping ever upwards, Cro-Magnon in search of that elusive handful, 'it' ascends.

"Dear God, the horror in how it ascends. Ass akimbo, bitch-tits quivering in the cool, Alpine breeze, hybrid man-goat Schwarzenegger�?s cloven hooves eventually find sweet purchase on the steepest of inclines. That is where It sets Its geopolitical ambitions (The Omen soundtrack theme plays, sinisterly). Observe how Arnold�?s vocal chords oscillate wildly, bleating, like the wild Austrian mountain goat. Animale!"

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Out: Britney: Nekkid. Okayokay: I fucked up. The Corsair's squad of well-paid factcheckers will be duly docked a weeks pay and summarily flogged in front of the entire blogosphere. According to The Page Sixxies (link via gawker), Britney will not -- We repeat: not! -- appear nekked, bloated and preggers in the pages of Vanity Fair. Serves us right, we suppose, for trusting the word of and duly linking to something called AllHeadlineNews (Averted Gaze):

"BRITNEY Spears is not, we repeat not, getting naked! The pop tart has been in talks to do a magazine cover shoot during her pregnancy, but, despite rumors, it will not be in the now infamous 'naked Demi Moore Vanity Fair pose.' Spears' rep confirmed to PAGE SIX that the ballooning singer would 'be the October cover girl for Elle' but that she'd be 'keeping all of her clothes on.'"

Swell and lovely, as The Corsair is "lactate" intolerant. But Graydo will not be deterred in in his questing after skeevy celebrity skin. Instead of Brit, according to Lloyd Grove (2nd item):

"(Tony) Curtis celebrated turning 80 by posing in his birthday suit for Vanity Fair with two small dogs, strategically positioned."

*The Corsair shudders*

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(image via vnn.vn)

In: Elton John and George Michaels. They fought bitterly, exchanging careless whispers, but -- apparently -- the feud between Sir Elton John and George Michaels is, well, finally, OVER. According to the 3AM Girls:

"George invited Elton to have dinner secretly at his house a couple of weeks ago and it was quite an occasion. 'Gordon (Ramsay) did all the cooking and George and Elton spent much of the time creased up laughing as they reminded each other of hilarious stories from the past.'

"The spat began nine months ago when Elton said George smoked too much dope, there was a 'deep-rooted unhappiness in his life' and branded his album Patience 'disappointing.'

"An enraged George fired off a tirade to a magazine saying: 'Elton John knows very little about George Michael and that's a fact. Most of what Elton knows about my life is limited to the gossip he hears on the gay grapevine.'

"He added, for good measure, that Elton relied on his old hits to make millions, while George said that his 'passion and drive is still about the future.' When Elton tried to patch things up last Christmas, George snubbed him, refusing to take his calls on five occasions.

"Now Elton has agreed to George's request to use their 1991 No 1 hit Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me for an album of duets he plans to release later this year.

"But now it seems he is not only back on good terms with Elton, he's also planning to strike up a relationship again with his fans.

"Buoyed by his reception at Live 8 on Saturday, George seems to be reconsidering his vow, made at the Berlin Film Festival four months ago to quit show business because ' pop music is dead.' "We hear he is planning a comeback tour next year and is busy writing new material."

A -- no pun intended -- "happy ending."

allaboutval

(image via something called "planetkilmer")

Out: Val Kilmer. Uber-creepy actor Val Kilmer's trademark "intensity" (Averted Gaze) is back on full display for all in the UK to see. According to the 3AM Girls:

"In a tracksuit and trainers the scruffy 45-year-old narked Live 8 stars Razorlight when he got fed up with queuing and shoved in front of them at an aftershow party at London's Met bar.

"The actor also put out Cat Deeley, Patrick Kielty and TV presenter Holly Willoughby, who had been politely waiting for 30 minutes.

"Our spy told 3am: 'He pushed past the stars, went behind the bar and bawled at the waitress to take his order - real don't you know who I am? stuff. Razorlight shot daggers at him and Cat looked really disgusted.'"

Hmm. Come to think of it, The Corsair would also push rudely past Cat Deeley, Patrick Kielty and TV presenter Holly Willoughby. We're sort of old school like that.

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(image via sneakingsuspicions)

In: The Vital Center. The most intriguing debate in American politics is taking place between the Center and the Right (Think: Armed-Services Hillary and McCain and Frist and Rove; even Western States pro-gun Richardson). Arguably, liberalism is dead -- or, at least, in deep, deep hibernation. Bill Clinton -- a self-avowed Centrist -- was the last Democratic President; he served two relatively successful terms. When was the last time, pre-or-post the decidedly Centrist George Bush 41's invocation of "the L-Word" that we have had a successful liberal President.

The retirement of Centrist firebrand Sandra Day O'Connor is the perfect metaphor for the simple fact that the Center (A somewhat amorphous quantity, to be sure) has supplanted the left in influence in thaImperialal City. The President will either appoint a conservative to simultaneously reward and quiet his base, or he will pick a Centrist, to get her or him past the sober Senate Judiciary Committee. There is no "Liberal" to speak of in the calculations of Rove-Bush. Senators who are left-of-Center are forced presently to compromise with a Centrist, QED. That's simply hardball.

Howard Dean is strategically in the perfect place to hold the Democratic party Left in place and harness its formidable grassroots' energies and dollars. But Dean does not set party policy. And, frankly: Thank God for that fact.

The Left tried the futile strategy of registering young 18-29 year old voters (Remember: Vote or Die? How about the dubious: Chose or Lose?). That failed miserably.

Perhaps ... some keggers and Buffalo hot wings might have secured a quorum? (Averted Gaze)

Young people simply do not vote en masse unless there is a promise of getting laid in the mix. The Right, howeversucceededed in registering new Christian Evangelicals, who -- unlike the MTV set -- actually do vote en masse. They have, what Kierkegaard called, "the purity of heart to will one thing." Misguided, though it may be.

The strategy of the Center is to organically cull Independent voters and those who generally vote for Third Parties, who are tired of the chains of Christian Evangelical domination, and thenfurtherer, to add-on disaffected members of both Right and Left. For the blueprint of this strategy look no further than John McCain's smart Band of Brothers embroidery. This is a much suaver strategy than that vapid-lefty Vote: Or Die.

The Center, dear readers, is on the rise.

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(image via theage)

Out: Al Reynolds: Confused. If Al Reynolds were a state, his state would be confusion; if Al Reynolds were a Chinese political philosophy, it would be "Confusion." Al Reynolds ... seems a little. uh, lost. According to the gang at Fashionweekdaily:

"The biggest parties over the weekend were at Star Room, which played host to a soire for Jonathan Cheban's line of Clarendon clothing and P. Diddy's last minute 4th of July bash, attended by the likes of Nicky Hilton, Kevin Connolly, Adrien Grenier, Rick and Kathy Hilton, and Lizzie Grubman.

"... speaking of P. Diddy's party, Al Reynolds (aka Mr. Star Jones) thought it was the annual white party, showing up in head-to-toe white (oops) ..."

Such hasty dress choices are bound to occur when one spends -- how does one say this?-- too much time in the closet. (Averted Gaze)


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Out: Anna Nicole Smith. There is nothing about Anna Nicole Smith that suggests to us either "G8 Summit," or, quite frankly "starvation." (Averted Gaze) That having been said, the National Enquirer's erstwhile cultural columnist (Exaggerated cough suggefeignedighned detachment) made it Philly-side to view Live8. According to our blogpals at Oanmedia:

"Anna Nicole Smith visited early in the day, didn't say much but pranced around like a stripper, jiggling her breasts that somehow stayed inside her barely-there top. Serious journalists scoffed while others contemplated sticking dollar bills into her waistband.

"AOL and Nokia executives ran around exulting over record-breaking levels of text messaging and hits; the corporate giddiness seemed misguided considering the suffering in Africa."

Charmed, we're sure.

2 comments:

sac said...

Holy crap, that Arnold riff is fantastic.

Ron said...

Thank you, sac!