Thursday, March 25, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Richard Simmons, that Slapstick little bitch. (ed note: each slap burns a grand total of 15 calories!) Perky and flamboyant was so 90s, we want slap happy, we want gin drinks hurled at unspeakable velocities across rooms. Drama, dear reader, is very in; that never goes out of fashion. Imagine the following scenario: you are a man who likes pastry. You cannot have the pastry. You are a proud man. But your job entails that you be a punching bag for all manner of snarky tv hosts. Sometimes you are afflicted by black thoughts. But you must always smile while in public even when you're crying on the inside.

The scenario above describes Richard Simmons, our Shakespearean fool in short shorts, our chubby muppet-like fitness guru. Only the folks at TheSmokinggun could capture the hallucinatory dream-like character of la vie when Richard keeps it gangsta:

"Richard Simmons was arrested yesterday and charged with assaulting a Harley Davidson salesman during a confrontation at a Phoenix airport. No, that is not a joke. The 54-year-old fitness guru (5' 7", 155 pounds) laid the smackdown on one Chris Farney, a 23-year-old Mesa man (6' 1" and 255 pounds) who happens to cage wrestle in his spare time. According to the below Phoenix Police Department report, when Farney spotted Simmons (whose real first name is Milton) walking through the Sky Harbor International Airport, he said, 'Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's.' Farney told cops he was referring to an old Simmons workout tape. The diminutive star responded by walking over to the strapping Farney and saying, 'It's not nice to make fun of people with issues.' He then slapped Farney's face. The motorcycle salesman, who was not injured, called cops, who cited an 'emotional' and repentant Simmons for assault."

Okay, tout ensemble, people: "Milton?!"

And, seriously, can't you just see Simmons, with dead shark eyes and a icy growl, saying, sotto voce, hands on hips for dramatic effect, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues."

Then Simmons slowly walks up to Farney, with malice in his eye and bad intentions in the cocked wrist, slapping the Harley Davidson salesman with a haymaker, not so much hurting the man's face, so much as hurting the man's feelings.

Even cage wrestlers get the blues.

Out: New School President and Democrat Bob Kerrey. Kerrey took the opportunity to play the partisan on a non-partisan committee investigating 9/11 by blasting Fox News publicly. Kerry was a moderate Democrat, but the New School is about as far to the left as an institution can possibly go. The New School is so far to the left, that Kerry's presidency has drawn fire. Apparently he wasn't democrat enough! So, keeping his embattled presidency in mind, you can see how Kerry would tone his comments of (makes ironical quote gestures) "outrage." No doubt he will have neutralized opposition to his presidency on campus and be welcomed as the conquering hero in Grenwhich Village by the time you read this blog.

In: Diplomats are the new black. Sidney Pollack is filming The Interpreter in the UN. The Observer writes:

"At a press conference at the United Nations earlier this month, Mr. Pollack said he 'hoped very much' to include some real live diplomats in the film, and was discussing it with the U.N.

"'We�ve had a lot of interest from the various diplomats,' Mr. Pollack said. 'Not only is that better for us, more authentic, but in each case they�ll be playing who they are, so I don�t have to worry about directing actors.' At the moment, the U.N.�s office of legal affairs is looking into the possibility of diplomats doubling as actors."

There are so many poignant lines about Machiavellian politics and acting that I might try out here, that remaining silent would probably be my best course.

Out: Poison's Brett Michaels goes Country. We should have known something was up when he tried to pawn off 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn" as heavy metal fare. The Ap writes:

"Michaels lived in Nashville for a few years in the late 1990s and was back there this month spending time with singer-songwriter Jeffrey Steele, who recently signed with Lofton Creek. Reportedly, Michaels is planning a country version of his song 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn.' And he's already dipped his toes into a country career. He makes a cameo in Tracy Lawrence's upcoming video for 'It's All How You Look At It.'"

On his web site here you can see he is already sporting cowboy hats. Image is everythang, hoss. Once a man transitions his website, more is sure to follow.

This may be the first transition from metal to country ever.

No comments: