Tuesday, March 23, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Miami. A Miami 5 Year old boy apparently sprinkled the sweet leaf on a classmates lasagne at the school cafteria. His bad. The Associated Press reports:

"Police say a 5-year-old boy brought a bag of marijuana to school and was sprinkling it over a friend's lasagna at the school cafeteria before a monitor intervened.

"Police say it is unclear whether the kindergartner at Gratigny Elementary School even knew he was carrying the drugs on Monday.

"The lasagna was confiscated before the other boy had a chance to eat it."

Never let a kindergartener near your stash!

Apparently, Entertainment Tonight is going to do a show on whether or not John Kennedy Jr smoked pot.

"Tonight on ET, we have new Kennedy bombshells: Did JFK JR. smoke pot? Was he diagnosed with ADD? Best-selling author LAURENCE LEAMER (The Kennedy Men: 1901-1963) reveals the shocking news he learned about JFK's son. Plus, we have the personal photos you've never seen before!

"'John took marijuana the same way other people take a martini in the evening,' claims Leamer, whose Sons of Camelot: The Fate of an American Dynasty is in bookstores now.

"In fact, Leamer says JFK Jr., although he was not addicted to the herb, liked it so much he took it over the border to Canada during a road trip with pals. "His friends told me they were worried they'd be arrested,' says Leamer. 'John wanted to bring it with them.'"

Fuck, Kennedy weed. You just know that must be better than hydro.

Out: Hiding crack in your crack. First off, you would think that crack rock cocaine would be outre, I mean, look at what it did to that little old lady who tried to give Junior Soprano a "half and half" last Sunday night.

Anyhoo: According to theSmokingGun, Jovon Williams had a rough night being searched by the police:

"Jovon Williams, a 24-year-old Wisconsin man found himself with a difficult decision to make last week. After Milwaukee cops searched him for drugs, he could have either turned over the goods stashed in his pants, or found a new hiding place. Williams chose the latter. According to the ... search warrant affidavit filed in the circuit court, Williams told police, 'I didn't want to get caught with that dope, I got 18 rocks, you would've done the same thing, I stuffed it way up my ass.' As for the outcome, there's little doubt no stone was left unturned in the search for the crack."

Let's just hope the cops had warm hands.

In: Grief counselling for Martha Stewart Omnimedia employees. The National Enquirer reports that overdramatic workers could whine at operatic lengths to a paid professional:

" ... employees of Martha Stewart's company were being offered 'grief counseling' -- after her conviction shocked, devastated and reduced them to tears.

"After the guilty verdicts were announced, almost everyone felt complete and utter disbelief," disclosed a staffer at Martha Stewart Living magazine.

"'We just couldn't believe that Martha would probably be going to prison.'

"'The mood at the magazine was very somber and subdued -- and it has been ever since.'

"'Everyone was walking around like zombies -- like there was a death in the family.'"

As Martha would say, stone ground crackers go well with that whine.

Out: Access Hollywood's Billy Bush is a dickface.
Jason McIntyre of that significant cultural artifact Star Magazine writes:

"At the Oscars, he brazenly played matchmaker for 13-year-old Keisha Castle- Hughes and veteran actor Johnny Depp. Then he had the gall to ask Naomi Watts, 'Watts up?' Just who is Billy Bush, and why is he always yelling?

Bush, 32, the boisterous first cousin of President George W. Bush (Billy's dad is the brother of the first President Bush), is certainly a rising star. As an entertainment correspondent for Access Hollywood, he has leaned over Alec Baldwin to talk to Sandra Bullock, and tried to ambush Ethan Hawke with off-color questions."

Like I said: a dickface.

In: Buttafucco. As in, Joey Buttafucco. He's back: in jail. He's in jail because he failed, as the Daily News writes:

"Joey Buttafuoco, whose 17-year-old lover, Amy Fisher, became known as the Long Island Lolita after shooting his wife in the head, was sentenced to a year in jail for auto insurance fraud.

"Buttafuoco, 48, pleaded guilty to a single felony count and was immediately booked into the Los Angeles County Jail. Prosecutors said Buttafuoco, who co-owns a San Fernando Valley body shop, told undercover agents how to file phony insurance claims.

"Superior Court Judge David Horwitz also sentenced Buttafuoco to five years' probation and ordered him to pay more than $4,600 in restitution."

The upside is that no one in jail is so desperate as to make Buttafuoco his "mistress."

His Buttafuoco is safe.

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