Predictions 2009



(image via derock.net)

At the outset we should say that we are not so good on predictions. In the five years or so of doing these acts of divine seeing we have really only been right about John Edwards winning the South Carolina primary in 2004. Not the strongest recommendation of the clarity of The Corsair's crystal ball. Still, we persist. Some predictions for 2009; we'll see how it turns out:

Mike Tyson will finally break down and do porn to pay the bills.

Jann Wenner will purchase Defamer from Nick Denton for $5 million.

Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko will win the Presidency of the Ukraine, then begin healing the rifts between her country -- which will be hit hard by the global recession -- and Russia. Tymoshenko, an attractive woman, will gain political rock star status among men throughout Eastern Europe.

A multinational force -- including China's first venture beyond their territorial waters since the 15th Century -- will confront the Somali pirates, culminating in a formal Law of the Seas agreement accepted and agreed to by all members of the United Nations by year's end.

Artists -- from musicians in the beleaugured music industry to painters of the canvas -- will have to avail themselves of their natural creativity in heretofore untested ways to pay the bills. Look for some interesting artist-corporate partnerships/sponsorships in which the inherent hipness of artists is co-opted, somewhat, by the fatcats in a manner that is not entirely whorish to all involved.

Howard Dean will be nominated by President-elect Barack Obama to be his Commerce Secretary.

Caroline Kennedy will be appointed by Governor Patterson for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat and will work tirelessly with Ted Kennedy and incoming Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle on passing a modified Baucus Plan for universal health care. This will be the legislation that Ted Kennedy will be remembered for for the rest of his life; it is for this cause that Ted Kennedy was born.

Barack Obama will tour Africa in July, visiting Ethiopia, Ghana, Uganda and Rwanda -- which is en route to becoming Sub-Saharan Africa's success story -- culminating his trip in a visit to celebrate Nelson Mandela's birthday on the 18th with Oprah and Bill Clinton.

South African President Zuma, Nelson Mandela and Hillary Clinton will diplomatically usher Robert Mugabe into "retirement" as tyrant of Zimbabwe. He will soonafter expire; Zimbabwe will begin the process of moving on.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs, famously a fruitarian and then a vegan, will admit to an eating disorder and begin eating balanced, sensible meals.

Sundance, due to the global recession, will eliminate the swag. Cannes, ever contrary, will turn up the glamour, thus getting enormous negative press around the world.

Tommy Lee will contract a serious STD, requiring something significantly stronger than Valtrex.

Fox Television will syndicate the show "Page Six," based on the influential NY Post feature, which will compete successfully against TMZ's low-rent gossip show.

Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn will snipe at each other with increasing bitchiness leading up to the Academy Awards, where Brad Pitt will come from under-the-radar, operatically, to snatch the Best Actor honors. Jennifer Aniston will, true to form, annoyingly complain about it for the rest of the year.

What are some of YOUR predictions for 2009? Send them here.