Friday, September 28, 2007

Tom Cruise is Totally Batshit

We have made ouselves a study of Tom Cruise's career. We felt that Cruise's career was going in a good direction when he started to veer "urban." Until that moment, Cruise, we thought, was excessively wonderbread. Entirely without flavor. And creepily intense, like Pacino -- but entirely without the self-depracating sense of humor about himself.

But Cruise expanded his fan base when he started going urban. There were reports of Tom visiting parties with Jamie Foxx. Not Hollywood parties, we might add.

There were rumors of him hanging out after-hours, taking cell phone pics with fans, eating birthday cake and dancing at private parties with regular people. The Corsair liked that. It offeset that adolescent notion that he consciously projected as being the Ayn Randian superhero, immortal, risk-taking, unflappable, incapable of error.

And then he "fell in love (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)." Quickly. Too quickly, some might say, to be believed (Averted Gaze). Katie did look kind of boyish, too. And then Tom overreacted when trying to explain his alleged love on Oprah.

Then Tom had an incredibly beautiful Asian baby -- did he somehow forsee the magical effects of a genetic mingling with Katie Holmes -- and all was forgiven. Who among us doesn't like magical Asian babies?

But now he's acting really, really crazy. He's really creeping us the fuck out. First there was that German fart thing -- is he really looking over the video tapes to punish the gas-passer? Now, this; from thisisLondon:

"Hollywood star Tom Cruise is planning to build a bunker at his Colorado home to protect his family in the event of an intergalactic alien attack, according to new reports.

"The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth."

You don't really need to hear more than that do you to properly diagnose a case of batshit insane?

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