(image via piratehaus)
(image via maximum365)
The "Godson of Soul" Pirate Goes to ... the extraordinarily amorous Usher. According to NME: 'I will miss him,' the singer says
Usher has paid tribute to James Brown saying: 'I will miss him.'
"Usher last saw Brown at a benefit concert for families affected by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in October 2005.
"He said: 'The last time we spoke was at my Project Restart event at the Phillips Arena in Atlanta.
"... The singer said that Brown was: 'In a class by himself.'
He told People: 'James Brown introduced me to soul.'"
And Usher -- being Usher -- fucked Soul 8 ways to sunday.
(image via thesuperficial)
The Semi-Savage of the Year Goes to .. Steve O, the human pertie-dish. We wrote: "Of Steve O's Fetid BodyJuices. How does one begin? Is the semisavage Steve O even goddamned human? Is he some paleolithic throwback, one of Nature's Hiccoughs? Our favorite feral 'bohunk' is, to be sure, bipedal and in marginal possession of upright posture, but the similarities with the human race stop abruptly there. (Averted Gaze) Sometimes Steve O appears to be a member of our species -- however provisional that membership -- and then he'll go and do something like ... whip out his 'junk,' draw everyone's attention to his shortcomings, then urinate freely all over the red carpet. Animale! (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) He is ... an enigma. From those intrepid Page Sixxies:
"Earlier that night at Key Club, 'Jackass' jerk Steve-O jumped onstage and shattered a light bulb on his shaved head, opening a nasty gash that gushed blood all over him. 'He just laughed and rubbed it all over his face,' said our spy. 'The scary part is it didn't stop a bunch of hot chicks from grabbing him and hitting on him when he got off the stage.'"
"(A considerable pause) Charmed, I'm sure."
(image via thesuperficial)
Coochie of the Year Pirate Goes to ... Lindsay Lohan, or, as we like to call her here, LiLo (So very lo, indeed, in a land where the "beef curtains" match the drapes). Call us "old fashioned nani purists," sticklers -- coochie curmudgeons, if you will (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)-- but we abhor the utter ubiquity of Britney and Paris' leathery "beef curtains (Eew)." Rather, we'll go in for the less publicity hungry "firecrotch" every time. We'll see you in our dreams.
(image via nndb)
Comeback of the Year Pirate Goeth to ... Judas Iscariot. Hey, Jude: You're the Comeback Kid. According to new Biblical archaeological evidence, Judas Iscariot was not the blind will of evil he was always portrayed as, but, rather, he was a conscious player in the dramatic tragedy of the Last Supper, the Passion Play. This raises all sorts of intriguing questions about the role of "consciousness" in Early Christianity. It complexifies the religion into a rarified philosophical sphere way out of the shitty little precincts of those small-minded Evangelical Asses. We wrote: "Perfectly timed between the liberation of 'The DaVinci Code' from questions of plagerism and the Holy Week's annual Christianity covers of the newsweeklies is the re-evaluation of Judas Iscariot. There is a tradition that always held the belief that Judas Iscariot turned Jesus over to the Romans in an act of obedience. According to the Old Gray Lady:
"The Gospel of Judas is only the latest crumbling parchment to surface in the sands of Egypt like an ancient time capsule. Even before its formal introduction at a National Geographic Society news conference yesterday, scholars have been part of a debate that will soon be echoing in churches, on the Web and in Christian publishing.
"The real debate is whether the text says anything historically legitimate about Jesus and Judas.
"Some of the scholars on National Geographic's advisory committee said the text should prompt a reassessment of Judas. In it, Jesus speaks privately to Judas, telling him he will share with Judas alone 'the mysteries of the kingdom.' Jesus asks Judas to turn him over to the Roman authorities so that his body can be sacrificed."
(image via addict3d)
Strangest Coupling of the Year Pirate Goes to David Spade and Heather Locklear. Did we dream this shit up? It seems, in retrospect, too odd to be true. Yes, after a rough divorce we could ostensibly imagine a model-hott (though reptilian eyed) lady going out with a man thoroughly in need of a robust multivitamin, if only for the ego-boosting constant adoration. Still ... We wrote: "During his significant run at SNL the marginally witty David Spade was legendary for parlaying his celebrity into saucy sex with women way beyond his pay grade (Kristy Swanson and Lara Flynn Boyle, whose nickname for Spade was "peanut"). In point of fact, the virtually unfuckable Bea Arthur is way out of David Spade's league.
"So it stunned us to no end to hear that Spade is now canoodling with superhott MILF Heather Fucking Locklear. According to Rush and Molloy, who write:
"David Spade was 'full-on making out' with Heather Locklear at Jones restaurant in Los Angeles last week, reports In Touch. 'It was a friendship that turned into something more,' a source told Us Weekly, adding that Spade's nerdy humor is helping her get over Richie Sambora. ..."
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