(image via piratehaus)
Charmed, I'm sure.(image via ohnotheydidnt)
The "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee" Pirate Goes to -- Who Else? -- Paris Hilton. The less said about this award, the better. One word, though: Penicilin.
That "Disgusting Voodoo" Pirate Award (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment): David Croneneberg. Even just mentioning the name "Cronenberg" fucks our whole shit up just a teeny bit because -- really -- Who wants to go around mucking about in that directors moist and fetid Cronenbergian consciousness. And revenge, to Cronenberg, is a dish best ... served ... cold ... As Paul Haggis found out. We wrote: "We have no doubt that Paul Haggis' sanguinary mishhap has the signature of his directorial nemesis the ultra-creepy David Cronenberg behind it (The Corsair shudders). Who else but the man who all but threatened Haggis with grievous bodily harm over the stealing the title of the film 'Crash' could have a hand -- however veiled -- in this thusness. According to Liz:
"CRASH! That is the title of perhaps the most thought-provoking film nominated for Best Picture. It is also the sound made when the director of 'Crash,' Paul Haggis, walked through a glass door at the Beverly Hilton Hotel the other day. He had been talking to fans and well-wishers and didn't realize where he was headed. Although dripping blood from a gash in his forehead, Haggis did not cancel his taping of AMC's 'Sunday Morning Shootout,' which is a lively round-table discussion.
"Haggis dashed to his doctor, got stitched up, and sat down like a trouper with the show's hosts Peter Guber and Peter Bart, bandaged but articulate. This edition of 'Sunday Morning Shoot Out' airs Feb. 26 at 11 a.m."
Somewhere -- someplace -- dank and fetid David Cronenberg is twisting his very own Paul Haggis disgusting voodoo doll (tm), legs akimbo, rocking himself back and forth in rhythm with the rolling tides of black water hugging the hazy shore.
Aren't photographers supposed to stay behind the fucking camera? (image via defamer)
That's fucking disgusting, yo. (image via galloappreciation)
The That's Fukcing Disgusting, Yo Pirate Goeth to ... Vincent Gallo. Who else? There is nothing wrong with Vincent Gallo that a crisp right-cross to the short ribs couldn't remedy. We said: "Scuzzy, feral former model -- and lover of underage starlets -- Vincent Gallo is off the market at eBay. Gallo, who tried selling his seed -- eew -- and then, afterwards, lowered himself -- double eew -- to the fetid rank of manwhore, is at present off the market. It is, evidently, against the rules to solicit 'low-grade piece of ass' on eBay. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)
According to ohnotheydidnt (link via contactmusic):
"An eBay auction offering a night with actor/director VINCENT GALLO has been withdrawn from the website, because it breaches their rules on selling sex. The vendor, claiming to be the 43-year-old BROWN BUNNY film-maker himself, offered a night of passion for the sum of $50,000 (GBP27,800)."
"Chloe Sevigny evidently liked the cut of Vincent's 'jib'( hence, the blowjob); but, then again, her taste-making abilities haven't been the same since Andre Leon Talley quietly subtracted himself from the Sevigny buzz-o-matic calculus that was in full-effect a year back when she was 'It.'" (Averted Gaze)
(image via ppionline)
Political Player of the Year: Rahm Emanuel. The former Ballet dancer acquited himself well this year. Granted, Senator Chuck Schumer got all the glory on the post-election day press conference. But you and The Corsair saw Schumer on Meet The Press pre-election show. He wasn't nearly as poised and sure as Rahm-bo. Rahm, unlike Chuck, didn't need Virginia or Missouri to score the victory. Not only did Rahm-bo win back the House, but he put in place a strategy -- run Gulf War veterans -- that may have secured the Nastional Security vote to the Democrats, a segment of the elctorate that had all bu been ceded to the GOP.
And not only that, but Rahm -- against type -- defeated his hyper-aggressive impulses and turned down the number 3 position in the House -- a position he well-deserved -- to allow the Congressional Black causus to get their fill of the booty.
Well done, Rahm. We kid you, but you did us proud.
The Skeevey-Ass Thatch of Chest Hair Pirate Goes to: Tom Ford. After the former mannequin fucker stating publicly at the end of 2005 that he wanted to tart up Hollywood powerplayer Dakota Fanning, Tom Ford blazed into 2006 like gangbusters. Gangbusters with a visible thatch of pubic chest hair (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Says Graydon Carter in VF:
"I should have known that inviting Tom Ford to oversee this year's Hollywood Issue would create a chorus of office lore many octaves higher than the shrill solos that form the usual monthly soundtrack. If I could boil the Tom Ford experience down to a single element for you, it would be the yellow Post-It note I found stuck to a photograph of Angelina Jolie that was pinned to the wall of Vanity Fair's planning room. In small handwriting were the words 'Leave in butt crack. TF.'"
From the NYPost:
"'Three girls in a bed is a bed full of girls. Two girls on a bed are lesbians.' At the end of the shoot Annie (Leibovitz) said,'Can you slip yourself in there?' said Ford, who did just that."
Why would Annie Leibovitz, of all people, object to a Sapphic photo? Hmm?
(image via newsday)
Fashionista Fisticuffs of the Year: Diane Von Furstenberg Versus Joseph Abboud. Although it ultimately amounted to naught else but an Abboudian ass-whipping, it was an interesting popularity contest for the CFDA Presidency. Said Kim Hasteriter on the day of the voting at Papermag:
"Today is the day that the CFDA will elect a new president and the battle for the top position is heated. Its the glamorous Diane Von Furstenburg who is running against menswear designer Joseph Abboud for the top spot. At noon today, the council will meet up at the Conde Nast offices to cast their vote. Of course in my opinion this is a no brainer that Diane Von Furstenberg should be elected to this position. Mr. Abboud may have alot of time to dedicate to working on the CFDA...maybe more than Diane does, but Diane has a huge glamour and money connection factor that could really elevate the CFDA from an administrative fashion organization back into being a true industry player that will ultimately help American fashion globally."
The NBC Seriously Fucked Up Pirate Goes To: Anyone Who Was Behind That Goddam "Joey" Fiasco. Granted, Matt LeBlanc is not an ass. But Seriously, what the fuck was Zucker thinking? Matt Leblanc carrying a Must See Thursdays? And what about that bizarre apology involving the stripper (That, ultimately, wasn't enough to save his marriage)We wrote:"NBC's insidious sitcom Joey was an embarrassment -- for NBC, for the writers, for Matt LeBlanc, and most importantly of all for you and me. It stank tremendously but there are matters of money and what the Japanese like to call "face" involved. Apparently this is the reason why the show is in this bizarre stasis-limbo where everyone knows that it is essentially cancelled, but no one is actually out and out saying so.
"But we cannot envision a situation in which Joey is picked up for another season. NBC doesn't have the necessary fumigation in place for that stinkbomb. This item from Popbitch:
"'Last Friday was the final recording of Joey, NBC's disastrous Friends spin-off. Matt LeBlanc is not happy about it ending. There was a sign hanging on his dressing room door all night, saying 'NBC fucked up,' and at the wrap party Matt was seen going up to the executive responsible for re-commissioning the show asking, 'Why do you hate me?'"
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