"Attention seniors. Before the merriment of commencement commences, I hope that your years with us here at Corsair have prepared you for the challenges you face. Who knows? Among you there may be a future Donald Rumsfeld or a Meg Ryan, and among you young men, there may be a Michael Strathan, a President Bush, or a Vice-President Cheney. But you will always the glorious memories of Corsair High. Corsair forever. Bon voyage."
Far be it from me, lowly blogger, to impede the progress of all the primping and preening that goes on among the chattering classes. I mean, they do deserve their time to waddle in the warm sun being as they live their lives as the objects of our simultaneous fascination and abhorrence, via their swishy nesting centers in NY, DC and LA, and occasionally The French Riviera, Davos, Jackson Hole, San Francisco, Gstaad, and Sundance. Corsair High is sort of like the presently defunct Spy High, only cooler and with more full-tuition kids.
Who's Who:
The Mean Girls
Anna Wintour .. Si's frosty little bitch bahind the Chanel sunglasses... AP English ... Likes Her Men Like She Likes Her Coffee ... Yearbook ... Ixnae the popcorm machine, the smell of butter makes me hungry ... The devil can wear anything she damn well pleases ... Charmed, I'm sure.
Paris Hilton ... Gaba Gaba Hey ... Insta-slut: Add Vodka and Lemonade, then stir ... Sleazy, Easy and Weavy ... I Like em Big and Stupid .. Niiice dress (Averted Gaze) ... Real women have curves: Got Ass?
Bill O'Reilly ... Savage Little bitch (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)... Shameless self-promoter; Bullies the cooler kids into appearing on his public access show ... Doesn't play well with others ... Loofah ... Wanna Buy some Bill O'Reilly crap? He's got tons.
Most Popular
Brangelina ... Head Cheerleader and Football Quarterback, respectively (Averted Gaze)... He likes Architecture; She likes Human rights and Internatioanl Law ... Mr. and Mrs. perfect .. Come on, Angelina, What's in the baaaaawwwwwxxx ... Hott monkey sex during overnight Senior trip ... Internationalists ... So gorgy it hurts ... Most likely to sire the next Alexander the Great (In real-life this time)
George Clooney ... Sees More Pussy Than a Gynecologist ... Dashing motherfucker... "I Had a Really Good Time Last Night" ... Full-tuition (House on Lake Como, you know)... Wishes He Were Sinatra, circa 1965 ... Nicely recovered from that unfortunate 80s mullet ... Bachelor forever.
Student Government
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Rahm Emanuel ... A Kinder, Gentler Rahm ... Not quite as obnoxiously ambitious as before ... Gave up the number 3 seat in the House to preserve Harmony among Democrats and the Congressional Black Caucus ... Gunning for Valedictorian ... Former ballet student ...
Worst Reputations:
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Flavor Flav ... If you read this, you may be with his child ...How low will a brother go for a dollar? ... He's in a time warp: It is 1959 and he is an awful stereotype of a negro ("Do You Want This Man to Vote?")...Skanks for the memories ... AP Nothing ... Honors Phys Ed; AP Bastard-making ... What's next for VH1: The DW Griffith Retrospective?
Pam Anderson ... Don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation ... Worst Syndicated Show Ever: "VIP" ... I Know What Boys Like, boys like, boys like Hep-c ... Buy Me Something ... "I'm With The Band"
Charlie Sheen ... Why Does It Burn When I Pee? ... How fast is he? Bacterial Velocity
Britney Spears ... "Like, Wheres the Cheetos at, y'all?" ... Obnoxiously Fertile... "We're country" ... Mickey Mouse Club ... Low-grade piece of ass.
Jamie Foxx ... So, What's it like being with Oprah? ... Choir ... Most Likely to Act Like an Ass ... Young and Single and Likes ta Mingle ... Where the White Women at?
Class Cut-Ups
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Artie Lang ... Big, loveable lug ... Sold out Carnegie Hall ... State College! State College! State College ... What happens in Tijuana stays in Tijuana ... Most Likely to die before turning 40 ... In Vino Vertas ... Who Brought the Blowcaine ... Film Studies, I, IV
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Amy Poehler ... Hey, Hitchens: Who says Women aren't funny? ... Ruthlessly brilliant ... Everyone wants to do a skit with her ... Why Isn't she a Hollywood star yet? Why!
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Fred Armisen ... New jack ... Dead-on Impressions ... His fucking genius grisled Lou Reed and subservient al-Maliki impressions alone made this season's SNL.
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Tina Fey ... Formerly of SNL ... 30 Rock in Limbo ... Reinvigorated Weekend Update ... Taught us that Alec Baldwin is actually funny, and not just another bloviating, bloated Baldwin.
Jon Stewart ... Class Clown ... Comedy OG ... Most Likely to Succeed ... Drama I, II, IV
Steven Colbert ... Deceptively clever ... Doesn't play well with Bill O'Reilly ... Most likely to get an atomic wedgie ... Chess Club ... Most likely to become an urban sophisticate liberal.
Bill Maher ... He likes his women like he likes his coffee ... Mmmnh-hmmm (Two snaps and a neck roll)... AP Sex Ed ... Waiting for Andy Ronney to die ... Brilliant
Arianna Huffington ... Underground paper ... Former Golddigger; Present Kingmaker ... Forensics; Greek I, IV ... Lincoln-Douglass Debate Team
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Paul Mooney ..Even without the "n-word," still brilliant ... Too cool for school ... Brilliant since the 1970s (From Pryor to Chris Rock to Chappelle Show) ... African-American History I, IV ... Waiting for a Network TV deal.
The Jocks
George Bush ... Coach Regis Philbin's favorite ... Most Likely to be Commissioner of Baseball ... "Pass the Wild Turkey"
Howard Dean ... Young Anarchists ... Wrestling team.
A/V Club:
Al Gore ... Class President ... Recycle, recycle, recycle ...
Hillary Clinton ... Class Valedictorian ... "Yes, Hillary, I Know you know the answer, but I want to hear different voices" ... AP Latin, AP Physics, AP Geography ...
Bill Kristol, Senior ... Junior Year on the Kibbutz .. AP Government, AP History ... Most Intellectual; however, greatly misreads Plato ... didn't mesh well with Cokie and Sam ... Most Likely to Misuse Power ... Harvard Bound
David Letterman, Junior ... Will It Float? ... Comedy from self-loathing .. When Leno Retires, Then You Shall Know Our Velocity ... Midwestern Existential Americana: observe carefully Kierkegaard's Concept of Dread play itself out on network television in real time ... mellowing out; growing up ... Varsity Football ... Class ... Most Popular ... In the reddish-bronze twilight of his career ... Will He Ever Be Happy?
Don Imus ... shifty-eyed, leathery janitorial-type (think of the creepy Carl the Janitor in The Breakfast Club) ... Most Likely to Join the KKK ... Favorite son of the DC Elite ... dizzy g/f Dierdre
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