A Little of the Old In and Out



(image via uncw.edu)

In: Andrew Sullivan. It's a beautiful day in the blog neighborhood for the former New Republic editor. Buzzworthy blogger-journo Andrew Sullivan's move to the "blog neighborhood" of Time.com comes at an interesting time (link via Calacanis via Buzzmachine). According to Sullivan (via NYPost), this deal is the "first to really connect the established independent blogosphere with a big media company ... I have a feeling it won't be the last."

Andrew joins blog neighborhood residents Weblogs Inc in the swishy TimeWarner-AOl community. Since 2000, Sullivan's blog has chronicled his drift towards a more Centrist -- although Andrew would argue that he is simply a true Conservative -- ideology in light of the increasingly religious bent of the Republican Party. Says Sullivan of the move:

"As for the deal, I can simply assure you that I have retained exactly the same editorial control as I have had since the beginning. This is a blog. I won't be running posts before any editors before they appear. I will continue to write simply what I believe or think, however misguided I may be. I will continue to correct any errors in the full light of day and change my mind if new events demand it or new facts compel it. I will try and air counter-arguments as often as possible. In other words: the essence of the blog won't change. You will still like it for the same reasons or hate it for the same reasons; or, as many of you keep telling me, both."

Cheers.



(image via TheObserver/ Drew Friedman)

Out: Al Franken. That all purpose beady-eyed fuckhead and terminally unfunny wannabe Senator of Minnesota has a whole lot of class. Oodles (Averted Gaze). According to our favorite superhero gossip duo Rush and Molloy:

"Air America host Al Franken seemed to be in heat when he saw columnist Arianna Huffington Thursday night.

"Invited by the Creative Coalition to present her with a Spotlight Award, Franken reminded everyone that, during the 1996 campaign, the two collaborated on a Comedy Central routine called 'Strange Bedfellows' � in which they'd trade barbs while tucked between the sheets.

"Back then, he recalled, Huffington was a Republican 'acolyte' of Newt Gingrich. But now that he's 'converted' her to liberalism, Franken felt it was time they really did the deed. Pulling the Greek beauty onto the bed in Esquire's Astor Place show-condo, Franken bellowed, 'We can [bleep] now!'

"A giggling Huffington managed to fend him off."

Charmed, we're sure. (Averted Gaze)



(image via wwd)

In: Camilla Al-Fayed. The Camilla Al-Fayed Watch continues apace. When last we heard, the slinky jet-setting daughter of Mohammed Al-Fayed was on her way to intern at Vogue under the watchful eye of Anna Wintour (Or, not). Now, according to Fashionweekdaily, "Camilla Al Fayed is interning with Vogue international fashion director Lottie Oakley for the next two weeks."

Because enquiring minds want to know ...



(image via smh.com.au)

Out: Martha Stewart Just Doesn't Fit In. According to Dan Weill of MedialifeMagazine:

"Martha Stewart was widely savaged leading up to and during her criminal trial as the uber-bitch, and the bitch the media then portrayed might have made a wonderful host for the spinoff of NBC's 'Apprentice.'

"Certainly, the network was looking for someone with Donald Trump's power to galvanize. What NBC got was a nice lady.

"The nice lady, Stewart, lacked Trump's bristle, and viewers were far less interested, with ratings weak from the first and never really climbing, despite early signs that viewers might be warming to the domestic divia.

"Result: NBC won�t pick up 'Apprentice: Martha Stewart' for a second season."

Please don't shiv us with a commissary soap knife. Nothing personal. It's just bidness.



(image via nysocialdiary)

In: Richard Parsons' Internet TV Service. While we reserve the right to continue to blogstalk Larry Kramer of CBSNews.com, Dick Parsons continues to amaze. We all know that TV ratings are on skid row because of the distractions of the web and video gaming, among other distractions. So, Parsons et al are bringing television -- well, vintage tv at least -- to the web.

Sounds good. Parmy Olsen of Forbes writes:

"One advantage of running a whopping media emporium is the sense of fraternity. You don't have to shop outside the kith and kin for an alliance, since bilateral agreements can be thrashed out between sister operations.

"So it will be with the free online television service to be launched by AOL. Called In2TV--a name fully in tune with AOL's buddy list lingo--it is to feature programs from fellow Time Warner company Warner Brothers.

"The service, expected to debut early next year, will be organized into six channels, including comedy, drama, and animation. According to media reports, In2TV will offer 3,400 hours of TV programs from Warner Brothers in its first year, then AOL will look to kick things up another notch with a few more thousand hours in following years. Richard D. Parsons' company is reputed to be in talks with other main TV networks about securing rights to their shows. And media reports are speculating that the service, which has been gestating for a couple of years, may not be confined to the U.S.

"One analyst was quoted as saying in a media report the deal was 'a great example of two sister operations with mutual needs being satisfied by the other.'"

The full article here.

Revenge of the Moderates



Lone wolf McCain. (image via Ethan Hill/ Newsweek)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the House Majority Leader, embattled, stepped down from his leadership position. A sophisticated chap was picked, then dismissed, in favor of a more palatable steak-and-potatoes sort of galactic conservative (That sophisticated chap, we cannot fail to note, shepherded the election of a sweaty mandroid into the Sacramento).

The steak-and-conservative conservative is presently having trouble bringing peace to a galactic majority in the House and Senate increasingly descending into chaos (On Moderates versus Conservatives lines). And, to make things a little more interesting, the electronically-enhanced breathing of Vice President Cheney can be heard trying to kill the McCain torture Amendment in Committee (On the Senate floor McCain won 90-9). How curious, then, would a Cheney-McCain fisticuffs at high noon over the subject of torture (McCain, we cannot fail to mention, spent 5 years in a torture camp in North Korea; Cheney, the bete noir -- think: "dark side" -- of both left and Center, never saw active combat, is playing the heavy). McCain makes his argument in Newsweek for the integrity and essential goodness of the United States here.



(image via imperialmarch)

-- But the Dark Side is mighty. According to our favorite Dickensian villain, Robert Novak:

"Demands for new leaders are aimed at Rep. Roy Blunt, the elected House majority whip and acting majority leader. But critics who want Blunt replaced by Rep. John Boehner concede they have no solution for a malady that afflicts the Republican Party in the Senate as well as in the House. At the very hour that a handful of House Republican moderates torpedoed the budget bill, one Senate moderate stalled tax legislation in the Senate Finance Committee.

"Actually, the Republican Party never has been so united ideologically, but the tiny moderate faction can provide the balance of power in the House and to a lesser extent the Senate. To frustrated conservatives, moderates look like the tail wagging the Republican dog."

Curiously, on the other, remoter side of the galaxy, the Democrats are making space in their fledgling rebellion for the Moderates, softening, for example, their language on abortion (Thus alarming their base), especially with regards to Bob Casey's Senate run against vulnerable Senator Santorum in that crucial Pennsylvania Senate race in '06. The Reagan Democrats in the suburbs of Philly will be, no doubt, to 2008 what Florida was to 2000, and Ohio was to 2004. Santorum, following conventional wisdom, is distancing himself from the White House.

The astonishing rise of swashbuckling Kingmaker Mark Warner of Virginia added oxygen to the conflagration. And Governor Richardson's salty pro-guns rhetoric (very Southwest, that) as well as Hillary's centristish Senate record (And increasing speechifying on issues of morality) cement the trend of the moderate drift of the Party.

"...The House revolt of the moderates killed the quest for new leadership by a moderate-conservative coalition. Rep. Mike Pence, chairman of the conservative Republican Study Committee, told this column late Thursday that he was not interested in new leadership elections. But he was deeply upset by the moderates. 'It does not bode well for the future of this Republican majority,' Pence told me. Other conservatives were reported as calling on the Club for Growth to challenge in Republican primaries every member of the moderate Main Street group.

"Conservatives to whom I talked were outraged less by the moderates than coddling that did not begin with Speaker Dennis Hastert but was started in 1995 by Speaker Newt Gingrich's Republican control of the House. 'I hate it that the leaders kill ANWR because of Sherry Boehlert [New York] and Chris Shays [Connecticut],' said a California congressman who asked that his name not be used.

"Last week's breakdown in the House promoted wistful Republican longing for the strong arm of suspended Majority Leader Tom DeLay."

Never underestimate the power of The Dark Side. The full story here.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



We imagine a Mary-Kate and Ashley "manwich" to be pleasantly low in fat but rich in everything else. (image via fashionweekdaily via patrickmcmullen)



Dennis Basso's pimp hand is weak! (image via NYSocialdiary)



The cavalier manner with which this man devours a baby carrot suggests a lifetime of fellating Bruce Willis. (image via thecobrasnake)



Untitled Quentin Tarrantino Project screen shot, take 7. (image via thecobrasnake)



No posts tomorrow. Will be back Monday.

Republican Congressional Leadership To Bush: Stay Away!



Lame duck? (image via photos1.blogger)

Out political crystal ball has never been so clear. We predict that this Sunday morning the Chattering Class will collectively discuss whether the Democrat gubernatorial blowout on Election Day means definively that The President is a lame duck (4th item). Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man not averse to the ultraviolet spectrum, regarded POTUS as particularly radioactive recently, asking that he not visit California in the wake of his failed initiative ballot for fear of political reverberations. POTUS didn't, and there were reverberations. Then there was the last minute stumping for Kilgore in Richmond, which also went ... sideways. According to our favorite Dickensian villain Robert Novak, Congressional Republicans have issued an "Every-man-for-himself" edict, anticipating the 2006 Mid-Term elections; to wit:

"House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert and the House Republican campaign chairman, Rep. Tom Reynolds, were given a sobering warning last week by senior GOP political operatives. They were told that on Tuesday, Nov. 8, the Democrats were sure to win the governorship of Virginia. After that, the warning continued, the watchword within the House majority would be: Every man for himself!

"The victory of Democrat Tim Kaine over Republican Jerry Kilgore was the only contest in scattered off-year elections that was carefully monitored on Capitol Hill. For a liberal Virginian to win a Southern red state signaled that cherished Republican majorities in both House and Senate, plus all the perquisites they entail, could be lost in 2006. Eyeing the Democratic landslide in suburban northern Virginia just over the Potomac from Washington that gave Lt. Gov. Kaine the governorship, Republicans in Congress envision their own doom."

While Novak has, as always, impeccable sources, we must beg to differ on his characterization of Kaine as "liberal Virginian" (Novak's obviously been drinking the RNC Kool-aid hook, like, and sink 'er). Kaine is, of course, a centrist Democrat -- as McCain, whom we love, is a Centrist Republican -- with many Republican donors, and is also against abortion and quite comfortable talking about his Christianity on the stump.

The full Novakian story here.

Fergie to Play Stripper in Sopranos (Or, "Club Bladder-Bing")



Stripper, please. (image via revart.blogs)

Uh, we'll actually pass on the lapdance, thank you very much. Fergie: Urine luck! The Black Eyed Peas songstress has been offered a golden shower of an opportunity. According to the 3AMGirls:

"HOT SHOT singer Fergie is swapping her mic for a pistol to appear in mob drama The Sopranos.

"The 30-year-old Black Eyed Peas star, whose real name is Stacy Ferguson, has won a part in the sixth series of the hit US show.

"Fergie will play a cop working undercover as a stripper in Tony Soprano's seedy club, Bad-A-Bing."

Let's hope that there are no lap dances, as Fergie has, uh, an issue with --ehr -- incontinence. We're fairly sure a stand-up guy like Tony Soprano wouldn't appreciate the extra moistness.

PlanetOut Buys The Advocate and OUT



(image via begtodiffer.com)

Gays are always one bouncy half-step ahead of the curve. It's the gay media wedding of the century (link via iwantmedia). Amid talks of the decline of print media, PlanetOut has bought The Advocate and OUT. Is this in anticipation of a trend of online content eclipsing and ultimately absorbing offline media? According to PaidContent's Stacy Kramer:

"In the latest new media buyout of a primarily print company, PlanetOut Inc. has acquired LA-based LPI Media, publisher of The Advocate and OUT, creating what the press release bills as 'the world's largest gay media company, leading online and offline brands now under one roof.'"

And that roof, that roof, that roof is on fire:

"Announced with PlanetOut's 3Q 05 earnings, the purchase price of $31.1 million includes $24 million in cash and approxiemately $7.1 million in seller-financed debt. PlanetOut will cover another $1 million in costs. LPI is the largest circulation LGBT magazine publisher with more than 8 million copies a year. The sale include Advocate.com, Out.com and related e-commerce sites."

The start of a trend?

A Little of the Old In and Out



(image via steviewonder.free)

In: Stevie Wonder. The lukewarm critical reviews of Stevie Wonder's new album notwithstanding, The Corsair is loving the fuck out of it (Then again, keep in mind that we also love HBO's Rome, Eyes Wide Shut, Early Music and NBC's brilliantly written, but almost-certainly-doomed West Wing) .

Dorian Lynsky, for one, of The Guardian gets Stevie, if all those high falutiun critics don't. This calls to mind Gore Vidal's melancholy pronouncement that it is always those other than one's own countrymen that appreciate a genius. From The Guardian:

"He, too, wears his genius lightly. Being such a casual over-achiever is central to his charm. Sat behind his keyboard, he's an impish figure, teasing the crowds with the intro to All I Do, and adopting a baffling British accent for Sir Duke. He's particularly excited by the aphrodisiac qualities of Ribbon in the Sky: 'This is for all the lovers in the house. If you can't get a little sumthin'-sumthin', you can put this on and you can get sumthin'-sumthin'. And if you still can't, then you've got sumthin'-sumthin' wrong.'

"As the original one-hour time limit becomes a distant memory, and you wonder if it will take a tranquilliser dart to get him off the stage, he becomes increasingly merry. New single Positivity sees him duet with his daughter Ayesha Morris, who was last heard as a baby frolicking in the bath 30 years ago on Isn't She Lovely. He sings that song while her body language seems to say, 'Oh Dad!, you're so embarrassing!'

"He then introduces Motown president Sylvia Rhone, who is so incontinent with praise that, after several gushing minutes, Wonder has to dispatch her with a cheerful yet firm 'Get out of here'. But by the end of more than two hours of some of the greatest songs ever recorded, you know how she feels. This was sumthin'-sumthin' special."

It is. A Time 2 Love is fantastic; we'd like to dedicate "Positivity" to our stunning blog wife. Cheers, baby.



(image via shabakatvoltaire)

Out: Judith Miller. After those quixotic turning aspens, after a stint in the pokey, after her standing O in Vegas, and -- who can forget? -- her robust bitchslapping at the hands of Dowd, Judith, alas, is no more. We won't have "Wrong Way Judy" to kick around anymore, no. From William Keller's executive memo (via Romenesko):

"To the Staff:

"Judy Miller has retired from The New York Times effective today.

"In her 28 years at The Times, Judy participated in some great, prize-winning journalism. She displayed fierce determination and personal courage both in pursuit of the news and in resisting assaults on the freedom of news organizations to report. We wish her well in the next phase of her career.

"Bill"

Yes, well, considering the rumored "high six figure" retirement package, signing off the memo "Bill" seems entirely appropriate. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)



(image via mediabistro)

In: Lunch at Michael's. Laurel Touby of Mediabistro, the swishy organization The Corsair has been mentioned as a possible replacement for blogger-turned-novelist Elizabeth Spiers, gives us the scoop on Wednesday's mediaclusterfuck "Lunch at Michael's." To wit:

"Table 1: 740 Park was a definite theme today. Author of the book 740 Park Michael Gross was dining with Nancy Stoddardt (who used to live at 740 Park), Deborah Kurlewitch (apologies for butchering your name, Deb) of Estee Lauder's marketing department and Fayette Hickox (that's a made up name if I ever heard one!), also of Estee Lauder. [Corrections: Nancy Stoddardt's ex Peter Huang still lives there.]

"... Table 3: Rosanna Scotto, of Channel 5, with Lynn White of WB11 News.

"... 6: Bob Schieffer, CBS Evening News

"... 8: David Patrick Columbia with David, Viscount Linley (the nephew of Queen Elizabeth, son of late Princess Margaret, and first cousin to Prince Charles). We hear he's doing some kind of commerce here in the states. Also present: Wendy Moonan of the New York Times, Tim Knox of the John Soane Museum in London and William Blaney-Blair who works with Linley. [A little birdie writes: David Patrick lived at 740 Park (in a friend's mother's apartment) for months when he was a college student.]

"... 16: Kate Betts. Who were you with, Kate??

"... 24: The NY Post's Keith Kelly with Vanity Fair's Flackette Beth Kseniak, VF publisher Alan Katz, and Sara Switzer, also with the VF PR Department. Gee, wonder what they were discussing?"

A Keith Kelly Vanity Fair piece in the offing? Our favorite social chronicler lived in 740 Park? For the full list, which includes Democratic fixer Paul Begala, DC powerlawyer Bob Bennett and all around cool media dude, Chuck Pfeiffer (Who bless-his-heart once tried, at Elaine's, unsuccessfuly, to get me cast in a Michael Mailer produced film; Mailer, all-too-sober, wasn't biting) -- here.

Also: Our favorite social chronicler writes, "Shirley Lord was with David Monn and Spiros and Antonia Milonas. Esther Newberg with Random House editor (also editor of Michael Gross� book) Peter Gethers; Clinton biographer David Maraniss with editor Alice Mayhew" More David Patrick Columbia here.



(image via bbc)

Out: P Diddy, Courtier. In Balthazar Castiglione's instructive Book of the Courtier, he notes in the honeyed language of the perfect 15th Century diplomat, "vertue, and men with lyes and flatterie, and such naughtie meanes seeke to currie favour with them, the Courtier by the meane of those honest qualities ... ought to goe about so to purchase him the good will, and allure unto him ye mind of his Prince,"

At Tuesday's ACE Awards, Zack Posen's sugardaddy P Diddy brought his A-game of flattery to courting the fashion elite. We found his efforts thoroughly lacking (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). From Fashionweekdaily:

"(Naomi) Campbell, clad in a vintage Dior gown accessorized with Fred Leighton jewels ... was open to talk about her relationship with Diddy. 'He�s my brother and he called,' she replied when asked why she was presenting him with the Fashion Influencer award. 'He even went through the proper channels of calling my publicist first.'

"The teasing, meanwhile, continued as Combs accepted his award. 'If I could be born again, I�d be born the black, straight version of you,' he said, looking straight at Tom Ford, before doting on de la Renta, 'Everything about you is sexy; you even have a sexy tan.'"

Charmed, we're sure (Averted Gaze). But if Diddy intends to "pitch woo" to Oscar de la Renta, he's going to have to put more flavor in his funk.



Here's to you, Mr. Caribou. (image via nunavik-tourism)

In: ANWR. The Corsair has observed with an enduring interest Alaskan politics. Keeping Alaska's environment pristine is something we believe in strongly. When Senator Murkowski was reelected in a white-knuckle finish in 2004, we resigned ourself to the grim probability that drilling was immanent. It appears, though, that the pro-drilling forces in the House of Representatives have been handed their hats in intra-party quarrelling. Anwr drilling, tucked snugly into the budget bill, is too dodgy a proposition and so it's being dropped. Yay! From TheHill:

"Oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) was stripped from the House version of the budget bill last night as GOP leaders sought support from centrist Republicans for the difficult vote today.

"The concession came during a meeting of the House Rules Committee, the final stop for the Deficit Reduction Act before it heads to the floor. The sweeping bill trims government programs while simultaneously altering a handful of regulations - such as setting a deadline for television broadcasters to relinquish part of their spectrum to first responders and mobile-phone companies - in an effort to reduce the federal deficit.

"The Senate has already passed its version. That measure would allow oil drilling, which means, given the support of House leadership, that the final bill may still include ANWR drilling.

"But House GOP leaders have struggled to build support for the legislation, likely to be voted on today, even within the Republican Conference because members have proved reluctant to cast politically difficult votes for program cuts. Republican leaders can afford few defectors because they know Democrats are likely to vote no as a bloc.

"Taking ANWR out of the bill makes it more palatable for Republicans who are concerned about the possible effect oil drilling could have on the refuge, a stretch of wilderness used by caribou and other wildlife. Twenty-five House Republicans signed a letter circulated by Rep. Charles Bass (R-N.H.) that stated they would not support the budget-cutting bill until ANWR drilling was stripped from it."

The full, intriguing story here.



(image via peta.org)

Finally, Also In: Stella McCartney. According to David Hershkovits, via the Paper Blog, under the title "Stella, Stella":

"No, it's not Marlon Brando calling Kim Stanley in A Street Car Named Desire. It's the mad shoppers at H&M in SoHo grabbing the Stella McCartney goods. As early as 9 am, they were snapping up everything in sight, including the clothes on the mannequins."

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, AKA CBS' "Naked News"



Thank you, Les Moonves. (image via mdn.mainishi.msn)

While calmer heads in the blogosphere are questioning whether or not the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is, indeed, actually an act of fashion, we don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If Senior Moonves wants to barrage our already fevered senses with a staggering display salacious hott chicks in skimpy undergaments well, then: laissez les bon temps rouler!

If you go in for that sort of thing (And, we most assuredly do, dear reader; we do)

According to ABCNews (via Reuters):

"The show was filmed for broadcast December 6 on CBS television, which carried the event for two years before the hiatus and drew only modest viewership.

"Wednesday's event was held at the New York State Armory in Manhattan, the streets surrounding the building were packed with long lines of hopeful fans, some of whom were turned away."



(image via vogue.com via wireimage)

"The standing-room only crowd eyed celebrity supermodels including Gisele Bundchen, Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum � making her first appearance after giving birth � decked out in the latest over-the-top Victoria's Secret designs.

"... The models pranced down the runway in holiday-themed lingerie that an R-rated elf might wear, such as a tiny Santa skirt with feather trim, fur-trimmed stiletto boots. Other items included a feather plume bustle, an embroidered bra and a fishnet thong with Swarovski crystals.

"Unlike a typical runway show where models wear stony pouts, the models walking the runway were smiling and lip-syncing to the music. They closed the show by lining up at the top of the runway, dancing and embracing one another."

So hott.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



Fabian and Martina Basabe: Couple most likely to win a Best Acting Oscar. (image via nysocialdiary)



Blu Cantrell and the former Mr. Liza Minelli. This way, if it's reported he blew someone, he always has an alibi. (image via nysocialdiary)



Can't talk right now. (sotto voce) I'm adrift in a sea of my own fabulosity. (image via thecobrasnake)



Don't stop to stare. Just briskly haul ass in the opposite direction. (image via thecobrasnake)



"No, I'm not going to hurt you, I swear ... just ... put down the camera." (image via thecobrasnake)



"It is remarkable that we know nothing experimentally about the speed of gravity." (image via thecobrasnake)



A truly "Capital Loan" would be to lend Mr. Shirtless-in-public here some class at low interest rates. (image via thecobrasnake)

A Little of the Old In and Out



(image via bookofjoe)

In: Mark Warner, Magic Man. Everyone in the Chattering Classes is talking about Mark Warner, or, as we like to call him, "Warnsey." Sure, last night was a big night for Mike Bloomberg. His victory heralds the ignominious end of ethnic politics in New York (Which goes way back into the late 19th Century). And, yes, Jon Corzine's victory signalled, among other things, that the sleazy involvement of ex-spouses in last-minute campaign commercials can bit you in the ass (And, that bearded men can still become Governors).

But the real winner last night? Virginia Governor Mark Warner, the Kingmaker, of course. Warner, who is planning a 2008 Presidential run, turned a red-state blue. That's some serious head shrinking evil-genius voodoo magic. According to the Washpo:

"Virginia's quadrennial search for a governor featured neither charismatic personalities nor dominant policy initiatives. But Democrat Timothy M. Kaine's resounding victory over Republican Jerry W. Kilgore nonetheless provided important political lessons for the commonwealth, and maybe the country.

"The outcome marked what feels like a dramatic strengthening of Democratic appeal in Northern Virginia, the state's richest and most populous region. It showed that Republicans can no longer depend simply on the power of their party to win statewide and demonstrated the dangers of a negative campaign. It presented an intriguing campaign model for Democrats, in which religious faith plays an important role. And most of all it demonstrated the appeal of Gov. Mark R. Warner (D), for whom this could become the first stop of a presidential campaign."



Oh, Anna. (image via thebosh)

Out: A Wintour's Frost. Ah, if only frosty Vogue editrix Anna Wintour would follow the immortal advice of her one-time paramour Bob Marley and "No Woman No Cry," there would be no problem with Radar Online, which, we cannot fail to note, has been getting some damn good scoops lately (I'm just saying), and runs this today:

"Although head Vogue-ette Anna Wintour has previously made light of her ex-assistant Lauren Weisberger�s best-selling roman a clef, we hear the Devil may care after all. Sources say Wintour has been doing everything in her power to ensure the film version of The Devil Wears Prada fizzles�even threatening to blacklist some of the fashion world�s biggest names if they agree to do cameos.

"When Wintour got wind that producers had been recruiting major designers for walk-on roles, sources close to the film say she unleashed a flurry of phone calls intimating to the aspiring thespians that they�d be persona non grata in the pages of her high-end glossy if they participated.

"Most of the designers bowed out, we hear, with the notable exception of Valentino�who made good on his promised cameo despite having born the brunt of Wintour�s discontent. (A rep for Valentino said she was unable to comment on his partcipation in the film or the drama we hear it caused at his offices.)"

(A considerable pause) That "Valentino." Always causing trouble with his pimped-out pompadour, his obnoxious mantan, his sybilline smile, his ever-ready pug and, most of all, his one-named self. (The Corsair snaps, aggressively. twice, then judiciously applies strawberry lip quencher)



(via beatsandrants)

In: Dave Chappelle on Inside the Actor's Studio. Kind of ghetto, this maneuver. Frankly, we'd thought the better venue to tell his mystery would have been Ed Bradley on 60 Minutes, or at least Oprah, but -- hey, even a talentless remora like James Lipton deserves an even break, and so Dave Chappelle is finally going to talk. We imagine the absurdly pretentious James Lipton is presently stewing like a Syrian fig in his own overwrought juices at the prospect. According to Popwatch:

"If anyone can get an explanation out of Dave Chappelle, it's James Lipton. Chappelle will tell Lipton what his favorite curse word is sometime during the forthcoming 12th season of Inside the Actors Studio, which starts Dec. 11 on Bravo."



(image via repubblica.it)

Out: Jean-Marie Le Pen. We hate to be right about something as dark as the rise of race, or, as we call it, "Blood Politics" in Europe. This turning away from a realistic idealism, the natural state of Man, as dictated by our morphological design, and back, knuckles dragging, into our primal biological urgings is a wonderous sad thing to witness.

Jeremy Rabkin has an interesting essay in the Claremont Review of Books about the reasons why the European Union failed. Mainly, the EU document was a 500-page treaty -- not a Constitution -- that superceded ancient nations, written in the impenetrable beaurocratic prose favored by aristocratic Brussels diplomats, despised by average Eureopeans. It was never, ever given any logical rationale.

There was never a grassroots effort to defend or explain why a unified Europe would ostensibly be better than the present organic arrangement. Patriotism was scoffed at; the assumption being that "Europeanness" -- no matter how vague -- trumped, say, "Dutchness," or, "Irishness," because a United Europe was a larger theoretical concept. Ha. Try telling that to a patriotic farmer in Dordogne.

And then there was all that ill-considered Brobdinangian expansion! Infinite expansion! There was expansion to envelope every slavic satellite-- think: Ukraine -- as they freed themselves from the heavy gravitational pull of The Russian Bear. Unrealistic, to say the least.

The pendulum swings. Momentum is now in the fully hands of The Blood Politicians, who will, no doubt, peddle the crimson power of race using dark rage in their rhetoric. The poor and uneducated and ignored and over-emotional on The Continent will eat this slop up as their marching orders. Far right National Front demogogue Jean-Marie le Pen is taking full advantage of the chaos. It is his filthy historical moment. According to the AP:

"French far-right leader Jean-Marie Le Pen claimed Wednesday his National Front party has been "submerged" with prospective members and supportive e-mail since rioting erupted in heavily immigrant communities near Paris.

"In an interview with The Associated Press, Le Pen described the recent violence as 'just the start' of conflicts caused by 'massive immigration from countries of the Third World that is threatening not just France but the whole continent.'

"... 'We are receiving thousands of new members, tens of thousands of e- mails. All of our offices are submerged, we don't know how to respond because we don't have the staff to reply to the wave of people who, 95 percent of them, salute and approve our positions,' he added."

How Jamie Got His Shine Back

(image via bbc)

When he's not imitating Clive, or Tyson, or Ray, or simply getting bloated on the sauce in Miami with "Cock Out" Colin Farrell, Oscar winner Jamie Foxx is somewhat existential about his roots doing stand-up and how, perhaps, his wealth and fame affect his comedic edge (Cue to: Aerosmith's "Dream On"). From Moviehole:

"Moviehole: Have you ever have a moment you thought you�d quit?

"Foxx: Oh yeah, man, I moved to Vegas right after In Living Color. I couldn�t get any work and it was like if you lived in LA, you�ve got to have your shine on. If you ain�t shining, and you did quick. The minute they found out the show was over, I remember seeing this girl, and this is when I knew it was time for me to get out. This girl was walking towards me, and I was like, Oh, yeah. She�s probably been watching the show.� And she says hi. I say hey. She said, �Do you know where Chris Tucker is?�"

Zing! A touch, a touch; I do confess't:

"�Uh, uh, uh.� and I was at the Comedy Store. It�s like, �Yeah, I�m trying to find- - I think he�s- - I don't know, he�s somewhere around there.� And she looked back and said, �You look so familiar.� And I was like oh, man, my shine is gone."

And how does one go about getting ones shine back?

"So I�ll never forget moving. I had to move to Vegas because it was bad here. (Expletive) was going, �Whatcha� gonna do now man? That stuff is over.� And another Chris Tucker story, at one point I had gotten so into myself because I thought everybody was watching In Living Color. Everybody watched In Living Color. I remember going up on stage one day and doing rich jokes in front of these folks from the hood. �Yeah, man, I just got that Range Rover. Anybody else? My house went into Escrow. Anybody? Man, it�s crazy when your house go on escrow.� It was like, �What are you talking about.� So I dropped the mic, �Thank you, I�m Jamie Foxx.� I walk off stage and as I�m off stage, outside the club talking to somebody, I hear the doors open [and audience roars]. �Who is that? What is that? What are they laughing about? I just left the stage.� And I walked in and it was a young, thin black guy with bulging eyes by the name of Chris Tucker. This was years ago and he was killing them. And I sat down and I said, �That�s what I need to do. I need to go back and find what it is that I do� because I had lost it. So I moved to Vegas and then we put our heads together and Warner Brothers at the time was looking for some shows. I like the people that like me. It wasn�t ABC, it wasn�t CBS, it was Warner Brothers. We went there and we did The Jamie Foxx Show and I got a brand new start. I said, �I don�t want to ever slip like that again.� Then I�ll tell you, years went by and I�m in the Laugh Factory and they bring out, �Coming to the stage�� and it was Chris Tucker. And he had a suit on and a red tie and he was telling rich jokes. �I wonder if you girls really love me for me or for my money.� And it was like wow. I went to him and said, �I see what�s happening. You�ve gotta go back and get it.� "

The full interview here.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



Doesn't anyone realize there's a goddamned frog in my hair? (image via Mario Anzuoni/Reuters)



From Brad Pitt to Vince Vaughn: An Hyperion to a Farter. (image via ohnotheydidnt via justjared)



The cultural influence of Flashdance in hipster circles is entirely underrated. (image via thecobrasnake)

A Little of the Old In and Out



(image via medienforum)

In: Brandon Burgess. Although we will miss such high-quality television fare as "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King" (Averted Gaze), and "Diagnosis Murder," where Dick Van Dyke does his thing, the NBC-PaxTV deal was a no brainer and, quite possibly, the beginning of an age of search engine and television collaborating. Now, if NBC Universal can just keep the Evangelicals -- who watch this channel in droves -- from petitioning like the Devil to keep their ratings-challenged programming immaculate, the embattled network, which just announced a DirectTV on-demand service, might just have a real moneymaker on their hands.

Brandon Burgess, a man with great experience in digital media, is the heir-apparent in this unfolding media drama. As Bill Carter ably writes for the NYTimes:

"After years of dispute between NBC Universal and Paxson Communications, the two sides ended a protracted and complicated negotiation yesterday that will result in the departure of Lowell W. Paxson as the chairman of Paxson Communications and an opportunity for NBC Universal to develop a partnership to control the company.

"Executives involved in the deal said it could unlock the value of a promising media asset: Paxson's 60 broadcast television stations, located in most of the nation's biggest cities. Brandon Burgess, the NBC executive who had been in charge of the negotiations and will become the chief executive of Paxson, called the deal 'the last big opportunity in broadcasting in the U.S.'

"He said NBC Universal had calculated that Paxson's stations present a wide range of opportunities; they have deals in place that guarantee coverage on cable systems throughout the country, and with digital expansion the stations have the capacity to multiply their channel offerings five- or sixfold.

"'The timing was exactly right' for such a deal, Mr. Burgess said, because it comes 'at the time when analog and digital service are coming together.'

"In one of the biggest complications, NBC Universal, a unit of General Electric, cannot control the Paxson assets because Federal Communications Commission rules limit the number of stations one company can own, and with the Paxson stations NBC would far exceed that limit.

"So the deal calls for NBC to find a controlling partner for the company within 18 months.

"Randel A. Falco, the president of the NBC Universal Television Group, said finding a partner was crucial. He said he expected many companies to be interested in what he called 'the incredible footprint of Paxson,' referring to its national reach.

"'Getting a partner could mean a financial partner, or a creative and financial partner,' Mr. Falco said. 'It could be a traditional partner - someone with a big content library - or somebody like a search engine like Yahoo or Google.'"

Most intriguing. The full story here.



(image via telegraph)

Out: Paris is Burning. And no, we don't mean Ms. Hilton has contracted a "social disease." No doubt Monsieur Le Pen's ultraright FrontNational Party will take full advantage of the rapidly deteriorating situation in Gaul. In fact, with Russia, Norway and Germany all seeing steady rises in the membership and rhetoric of ultranationalist parties (And, cannot fail to note, the crushing defeat of European pro-Union elites), there could be a dark, "racial" time ahead for Europe. (The Corsair sighs mightily at the future of the planet) Rlites have been pushing an intellectual ideal of globalism, while the undereducated and impoverished recognize only the "reality" of the kinship of blood over and against the luxuries of the constructs of Mind.

David Hershkovits of Paper Magazine, the godfather of Downtown chic, writes of the French riots in the Paperblog:

"In Israel, the media is beginning to refer to the riots as France's "Intifada."Direland's left-leaning historical analysis sets the story in perspective and updates it with comments from leading French intellectuals.

"The French language is rich and Doug Ireland goes to great lengths to parse the meaning of the incendiary words used by interior minister Nicolas Sarkozy to chracterize the rioters. The Economist points out that while Sarkozy's offensive remarks helped spark the flames, his approval ratings remain high. Sarkozy is expected to run for President and is currently deemed the front runner. By the looks of it, the French government plans to buy its way out the jam with huge subsidies and development grants -- otherwise known as payoffs -- to help quiet the suburbs where the majrity of the rioters live. This will prove to be France's Hurricane Katrina, where politicians bicker while the situation gets so out-of-hand it takes Herculean efforts to set it right again. Which they won't be able to do. France will never be the same again. With one person reported to have been killed in a beating, the stakes have escalated beyond property damage that had spread as far the Marais in Paris, home to a large gay population. Some are calling it the biggest challenge to the government's authority since the student riots of the 1960s. Some are saying it's worse than that, a full-out race war."

Fuck. There is nothing that Europe's far right and Al Quaeda want more than a full-on world race war, oxygenating each others' legions, with the Second and Third world pitted against the First. Look to this -- Statesmen.



David Drier. Sassy. He alone in Congress knows the value of a good rug. (image via washingtonlife)

In: Congressional MRA's. God bless the sunlight-deprived wonks on The Hill for keeping us abreast of all the policy geek minutiae that goes into running an office our imperial city. According to them, most representatives of our government splurged with their MRA allotment on electronic gear. It takes a stylish and tasteful Congressman indeed to spend his monies on "aesthetic enhancements." According to TheHill:

"Each lawmaker is given an average of $1.2 million a year for his or her member representational account (MRAs), which pays the salaries of 18 full-time aides, travel, mass mailings, leased cars, bottled water, coffee and everything else a modern office needs.

"The Hill searched statement-of-disbursement records from the last quarter of 2004 and the first quarter of 2005 for every member and found that lawmakers spent thousands of dollars upgrading everything from televisions to furniture to websites.

"(Congressman David) Dreier, in addition to buying a $5,763 plasma-screen TV, spent $1,338 on new rugs to mitigate the noise created by traffic on the marble and tile foyers in his Cannon Building and district offices, according to spokeswoman Jo Maney."

What this says about the Congressman: (The Corsair snaps insouciantly) That the Representative is aesthetically evolved.

Also: Congressman Jim Cooper (D-Tenn.) spent $623 Popcorn machine and Congresswoman Diane Watson (D-Calif.) spent $18.98 A car wash. Full story here.



The dark John Fowles. (image via worm-holes)

Out: John Fowles. Quite literally -- and he would appreciate the fastidious attention to language -- John Fowles is "out," existentially speaking, having died over the past weekend. John Fowles was until the moment he died my favorite living Novelist because of his astonishing ability to get the hearty English countryside flavor and dialect of his characters (For further reference read: The French Lieutenant's Woman) as well as his bold streak "postmodern" experimentalism. Fowles, with respect to "collecting" modern English dialects, was on-par with Dickens and Hardy (His literary cousins); and in experimentalism, only Alain Robbe-Grillet is, maybe, his equal. Fowles made me want to become a Novelist, to reinvent Reality, and, someday, perhaps I shall.

I will never forget the first time that I read The Magus, with it's pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you experimental literary scuds -- goddamn it -- undermining even the goddamn fauna of the island; I fell in love with his writing right then and there. It was the boldest, intense literary style I had ever come across. The effect of undermining "Reality" itself was positively breathtaking (The God Game? The Novelist as God? Is that the definition of literary Postmodernism?); the effect mimics the contingency of life itself. Undermining the literary backstory and throwing the reader off-balance is, now and forever, Fowlesesque.

There was always something unsettling and dangerous about the writing of John Fowles. The dark-gemlike gleam of Godlessness scared the fuck out of my earlier self that was raised Roman Catholic. Whether in the simian eyes Conchis, or the twisted, lowerclass dialect of Ferdinand The Collector, John Fowles ultimately presented to the reader a Godless universe filled with Danger and Hazard and Death and Eros and -- most important -- existential Choice. Physchological drives clash with the coming-to-be and passing-away of life. Unlike that Eternal Adolescent Nietzsche, or the half-baked and soon-to-be-forgotten Sartre, Fowles blended Art into an optimistic -- never tragic -- Philosophy perfectly. John Fowles was the Artist and Philosopher, par excellence.

The world will not look upon the likes of his individual excellence again. John Fowles, RIP.



(image via chron)

In: Sirius Stock. Although, to be honest, we haven't thought about it, Sirius stock is increasingly seeming to be un bon idee. This, according to Jim Cramer (link via Buzzmachine):

"Here's what Jim Cramer had to say about some of the stocks that callers offered up on the "Mad Money Lightning Round" Friday evening:

"Sirius Satellite Radio (SIRI:Nasdaq): 'You need to be in Sirius Satrellite. I think [Howard] Stern will get 1 out of 10 satellite radio listeners.'"

Congratulations, Katrina



(image via lisarein)

The Corsair began his Nation Magazine internship around the same time Katrina Vanden Heuvel was made Editor of The Nation. Our first meeting was kind of embarrasing. Okay, it was extremely embarassing; we won't sugarcoat things. The Corsair was just exiting the Ladies' room -- the Men's was occupied -- when we ran into the new Editor.

We had just gotten out of Marlboro College, a liberal, Vermont liberal-arts institution, where bathrooms were strictly co-ed. It was no biggie. The Corsair thought that that was the norm for leftish institutions if one room was occupied, and the other was free. Big mistake. As we exited, briskly, Katrina said, kindly but firmly, "You do know, of course, that this is the ladies room?"

We turned three shades of embarrassed and made it to the Intern cubby area without passing out. It was our first day of interning.

Katrina Vanden Heuvel's editorship at The Nation was an historic event, partially because Katrina was very young for The Nation, where she herself started as a Nation intern in 1985, whose editors tended to be of ... a Methuselan age; and it was an historic event partially because she was a woman and an Old Money socialite -- a first, we believe, for that Progressive weekly (Founded, nobly, as an Abolitionist paper in 1865, the year of Lincoln's assassination). The Nation is, in fact, rich in heritage as America's oldest weekly political magazine.

Victor Navasky, the previous Editor and a charming, Teddybear of a man, gave himself the dodgy title "Publisher and Editorial Director." (Averted Gaze) Talk around the office was that the title "Editorial Director" was Victor's not-yet-ready-to-relinquish-control way of "babysitting" the magazine, his baby, to which he was intensely attached (In all fairness, No single person has ever invested as much blood, sweat and tears in The Nation as Victor Navasky).

Although The Corsair never noticed an incident where Victor editorially trumped Katrina's editorial control, it was tense. We cannot fail to note, however, the prank to discredit Rush Limbaugh that he and Andre Shiffern cooked up failed, because Victor faxed it -- by mistake -- to the father of a Wall Street Journal Reporter (Schiffrin, Shiffern, you say potato ..). Victor was on vacation in the Brazilian rainforest when the media shitstorm hit and Karina -- like a true -- deal with it. Strressfully.

Well, after 10 years of proving herself, Katrina Vanden Heuvel has finally gained control of the magazine as Editor (without an overseeing, fatherlike Editorial Director), and now as Publisher. Says The Nation:

"Katrina vanden Heuvel, who has served as editor of The Nation since 1995, has been named the magazine's publisher and general partner. She succeeds Victor Navasky, who came to the magazine in 1978 as editor and became publisher and general partner in 1995.

"Vanden Heuvel is the latest in a long line of Nation publisher-owners, from Freda Kirchwey in the 1930s and 1940s and Oswald Garrison Villard, who took over from his father in 1918, to Navasky. She is currently the only female editor-publisher of an American political weekly."

Congratulations, Katrina.

DC Scavenger Hunt



Can you help us find Congressman Rahm Emmanuel's old ballet slippers? (image via nndb)

Whatever happened to Scavenger Hunts? Remember those? Inrepid and resourceful people gathered to liberate extremely difficult to find objects of curiosity for the sake of a good time. Copious quantities of fine wines and ales were imbibed. Being swashbuckling Corsairs, we long for those days. Herewith, The Corsair proposes a DC scavenger hunt, in celebration of election day. Here is the list of difficult to find items:

100 Points:
Robert Novak's soul

75 Points:
Sally Quinn's influence
Leon Wieseltier's Humility
Congressman Tom Tancredo's shame (An extra 25 points if you can find the well-past-expiration-date Jesse Jackson's as well)

65 Points:
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison's integrity (An extra 35 if you can find Judith Miller's)
Congressman Rahm Emmanuel's old ballet slippers (An extra 50 points if you can find his Objectivity, while you're at it)
Senator Bill Frist's Effectiveness

50 Points:
Mort Kondracke's Charisma
A stretch of five minutes where Lawrence Kudlow doesn't mention a capital gains tax cut.
Governor Schwarzenegger's Principles

45 Points:
Either Senator Ted Kennedy or Congreeman Charles Rangel's old "Man Girdles"
Actual Evidence of Senator Rick Santorum's Intelligence
Creepy Justice Steven Breyer's Shut-The-Fuck-Up switch
A New Republic cover story favorable to African-Americans

35 Points:
Al Franken's Charm
Congressman John Conyers' Consciousness
Andrea Mitchell's Well-used Concealor Brush. (Very well-used)

25 Points:
A moment in time where Clarence Thomas ever disagreed with Antonin Scalia
Vice President Dick Cheney's Shame

15 Points:
George Stephanopoulos' Edge
Joe Klein's Anonymity
Cokie Roberts' Warmth

10 Points:
Don Imus' Humor

5 Points:
Kofi Annan's Relevance
John McLaughlin's Sense of Mortality

1 Point:
Richard Perle's Decency

1/2 Point:
Senator Chris Dodd's Gravitas.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



Because Warren Beatty knows a thing or two about "Propositions." (image via Ohnotheydidn't)



Angelina Jolie, dressed in a CGI-outfit for the Dark Ages pic "Beowulf," skillfully navigates the demographic cosine betwen the milk dud munching world of the technogeeks, and the Monty-Python-is-the-best universe of the Visigothigeek. (image via Ohnotheydidnt via JustJared via photos1)



Kate Hudson promotes something called "The Skeleton Key." We won't even touch that one with a ten foot pole. (image via Ohnotheydidnt via supload)



Cock out Colin Farrell: "... Because only a man knows how to love another man, right mate?" (image via ohnotheydidnt)

Howard Stern Suspended For A Day!



(image via chron)

It's a thorny thing these last few weeks of Howard Stern on free radio. On the one-hand, Infinity Radio needs Stern, for the ad revenue he generates for the company. On the other hand, though, try controlling him with regards to his on-air plugs for satellite radio, or, as he calls it, "erhr-ehr, ehr-er."

And if you punish him, as the sour and embittered Infinity CEO Joel Hollander just did, well, then you only reward him with free publicity like the free publicity The Corsair and a thousand bloggers will be doing doing, no doubt, as well.

According to Matt Flamm at Craine's NewYorkBusiness:

"Howard Stern will be taking a rest on Tuesday, courtesy of his employers at Infinity Broadcasting Corp. The 'King of All Media' was suspended with pay for one day for talking too much about Sirius Satellite Radio, where he is moving his show in January. He has become an increasing annoyance for his current employer with seemingly nonstop promotion of the satellite service and diatribes against Infinity, a division of Viacom Inc.

�'He�s been doing that a lot, and I�m sure he�ll continue to do it,' said a media buyer ... Despite his promotion of the competition, Infinity has kept Mr. Stern on the air to take advantage of the premiums advertisers pay to appear on his show. According to a radio insider, a 'live read' on the Howard Stern Show -- in which the host promotes the product himself -- can cost as much as $5,000. Running a taped commercial on the show, as WXRK will do tomorrow, costs about half that. Tomorrow morning, the shock jock�s fans will hear a 'best of' the Howard Stern Show on WXRK-FM and in the more than 20 markets around the country where the show still airs."

The full story here. And, of course, on Howardstern.com

50 Cent: "(Mariah Carey's) Not Considered Black"



(image via ananova)

50 Cent didn't let the bullet fragment lodged in his tongue stop him from spitting some especially toxic venom on the Stern Show this morning. Although Mariah Carey's interracial background is well known (Mom: Irish; dad: Venezuelan, African-American), Fitty Cent, on The Howard Stern Show said, definitively, when asked about the question of Mariah Carey's race: "No. She's not considered black."

Earlier, the Amateur Ethnographer with a Ph.D from the School of Hard Knocks dismissed Ja Rule, talking greezy, by stating that Rule doesn't write lyrics with "edge." And, on the subject of the newly convicted Lil Kim, Fitty said she is, "hip-hop's version of a slut ... she's a porn star ... she's totally a slut. That's who she was created to be. She's forgotten she was a slut."

With a last, ill-timed blast of misogyny to close things off: "Kim, you're a slut. That's who Biggie made you to be."

Evidently, 5 Mics from The Source for an incredible pre-incarceration "spit-from-the-gut" CD means nothing to Fitty. (Averted Gaze) Also in the show, Fitty broke the unwritten code of film by graphically describing how much he enjoyed his love scene in "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" with Joy Bryant.

Classy!

The A-List actresses will no doubt be begging their agents to be cast as Fitty's next co-star.

Sharon Osbourne: Madonna Looks Like "An Old Hooker."



(image via TheMirror)

Sharon Osbourne is obviously riding out the outrageous, high-pitched British eccentric angle to its outer limits. And, perhaps, beyond. As de Sade was to sex, Osbourne is, ostensibly, to shadenfreude.

When not propping-up her perennially "confused" husband on stage for an infusion of moolah for the next English country house, or that nice fat-ass hunk of ruby, she rants.

Dear Lord, Sharon Osbourne rants (Even the creepy Friend of Osbourne and former Sharon O paramour Jay Leno has stopped putting her on the Tonight Show). Today Sharon O targets a hapless Madonna to anyone within listening range. According to Cameron Robertson of theMirror:

"SHARON Osbourne has launched her most foul-mouthed attack yet on Madonna, accusing the pop queen of looking like 'an old hooker.'

"... Sharon, 53, stormed: 'It's like dressing up with her.'

"'One day you're in f***ing gun gear, then you're in horsing gear, then you dress like a f***ing dyke, then you dress like a hooker, then you're in a flowery dress reading kids' poetry looking like a f***ing librarian - then you're back looking like an old hooker again."

"... She went on: 'Oh that's f***ing ridiculous, crap, f*** off - what a load of b*****ks!' The rock boss, recently voted Most Popular Expert at the National TV Awards, hissed: 'And writing those painful silly books and reading them to your kids! If my mum came to me with a book like that I'd say, 'F***ing stick it up your a***'. F***ing English Roses - b*****ks.'"

(A considerable pause) More asterisks and high-pitched, ear-splitting squeals of rage here.