Rock The Soap?

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(image via cbs)

Soap operas are presently in the hour of the wolf. The entire cheesish genre is dying before our eyes, like on the shows -- overwrought, protracted and weepy. It is evaporating like the fizz on a cheap champagne.

Enter: "Rock the Soap"

"Rock the soap" is one of those cruise thingies that embattled organizations -- journals of opinion, talk radio stations -- engage in to actually make a profit. But it sounds to us like an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" waiting to happen. Soap opera fans, unlike, say, readers of National Review, have a bit of a reputation for obsessiveness and acute stalking. However entertaining it may sound, it is unlikely that a fan of, say, Jonah Goldberg's apologetic prose would klunk him over the head, rope him up and lock him in the cabin quarters while snapping eccentric Polaroids for the duration of the cruise (would that that were true, dear reader, would that that) were true. Unfortunately, such a scenario is not entirely alien in the world of soap opera fans. And a cruise deconstructs the prevailing trespassing laws. Now, take that little fun barge into lawless international waters and you may see where The Corsair might have a problem with the concept.

The whole idea is ill-conceived and, worse, an evildoers delight! The "Rock the Soap" cruise will be embarking to a sleepy fishing village in Mexico. An isolated location like this does not bode well for "talent" like Michael E. Knight, "Van Hansis" and the fetching Eden Riegel. "Van Hansis," people: Van. Hansis. Is this cruise not just dangling these marginally talented actors before the wolves, like over-cosmeticized cuts of beef? And if soap opera actors are beef, true believer, then Kelly Monaco is truly the short loin (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).

On a cruise there are no exits. It's huis clos quarters aboard the good ship soap. If a "superfan" were to get overexcited over the chiseled features of, say, a Thorsten Kaye were accosted? Is there even a "security" detail? And, if not, how can we protect a national treasure like The Bold and the Beautiful's wolfishly handsome Constantine Maroulis? Markoulis' unofficial fanlist, we cannot fail to note, includes dodgy handles like "Hazel Eyes Fan (#78)," "mrs. maroulis (#104)" and the truly alarming "Constantinefreak (#139, but we suggest 9-1-1)." Bad news waiting to happen, people.

In conclusion, I would ask that the organizers of this floating bad operetta make sure to check the paying guests for chloroform and nipple clamps. And keep an eye out for superfans with "hungry eyes" on Karaoke night singing one-on-one to their fave villain or hunk. Note that sarongs for the Mexican beaches can also be used for binding, and thus restriction of individual limbs. Finally, organizers, stop advertising the event with the motto, "Be Open to Experiencing it All." This is an invitation to the crazy. You want to discourage the crazy at all costs. Be reasonable.

Resolved: Rock The Soap is a dangerous thing.