Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What Was Jesse James Thinking?

This post is for my old friend Lara Beth (cheers, darling), who loves this ingot of pop-gossip almost as much as I do. It actually boggles the imagination, really. Just what was Jesse James thinking? He had a "Golden Ticket," and he traded it in, cheaply, for an 11-month fling with a reptilian Nazi tattoo model. She of the dead eyes and vitamin-deprived pallor compared to the healthy, hard-working Sandra Bullock. Was it worth what was lost in the process? Clearly James is a case of "the macho tragic." He never quite seemed at home in the role of loyal, supportive husband -- something about the eyes and the tentative bearing -- in the same way that Samuel L. Jackson was never quite believable in the role of Jedi, though, we cannot fail to note, he would have been a magnificent Sith).

But that's neither here nor there. The Macho Tragic is, as I've defined it on this blog, "the insecure testosterone-fuelled bad behavior that oftentimes takes place after the home team loses (or even if they win) ... You can hear this type coming a mile away, from the vestigial tail, the sulfurous smell and the cloven hooves a clacking. The compact body, legs underneath, akimbo. Budweiser hoisted against The Gods. Some like to call this type 'maverick,' others 'the Hell Raiser,' or 'the rebel,' a few 'the tough guy.' I call it asshole." James is a distanty relative of the famed "Outlaw" Jesse James, and that heritage -- destiny? -- clearly weighed on his ultimate fate; hence: the tragedy.

There is, invariably, something deeply self-destructive about "the macho tragic." His self-sabotage has the aroma of Doom. Did he subconsciously not believe that he was worthy to marry Sandra Bullock? Was he not sexually fulfilled (and if he wasn't, why marry?)?

It's all so damn messy, Jesse James' private life (the Naziism, the face-tat, the custody battle ickiness). This makes it even more benevolent for Sandy Bullock -- long regarded in Hollywood as the squeaky-clean to Doris Day's "girl next door" crown -- to take James in in the first place. She gave homes and an entree into Hollywood A-List society for Jesse and his kid. How could he possibly turn his back on that? How could he possibly spit in Sandra Bullock's face -- which is what he in essence did -- risking her media reputation if this got out (And of course it was going to get out; a Nazi-tattoo model wouldn't ride this one out?)

Sandra Bullock:Michelle "Bombshell" McGee :: An Hyperion: Satyr.

Rock on, Jesse James, douchebag.

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