Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Hef: True Hollywood Story

(image via timeinc)

What fresh Hell is this? We are not particularly big fans of Playboy (read here to find out why). That having been said, we always wondered why -- in his eighties -- Hef is still so heavily girlfriend. We get the fact that 40 years ago the old boy cut a dashing figure across the American pop-cultural landscape. But the financial crisis is not good for the magazine, so the "charm" and "distinguished" on Hef's C.V. is in the crapper. And, according to Izabel St. James' Bunny Tales, Hef, physically, is in terminal decline. To recap: little money, less health, much misogyny. To wit:

"The thing that sucks about going out to clubs with Hef is that he gets comfortable with going to the same places for as long as they are operational. After Las palmas closed down, we alternated between purple Lounge at The Standard, Ivar, and finally the Concorde when it opened. By the time Barfly closed, we were sick of it. But Hef loved his Barfly. It was usually Emma who sat to the left of Hef, and then next it would be me and then Susan on my other side. We liked sitting on his left side because his left ear is the good ear, so it made talking to him much easier. Most people don't know that he is deaf in his right ear, and there were many awkward times when he would turn his head so that they could talk into his left ear, but they didn't get the hint and kept speaking into his right; he would get frustrated and just yell, 'I can't hear you!'

"We always ordered this delicious thin-crust cheese pizza at Barfly (besides the previously mentioned edamame, it was the only thing he ever ate that was not prepared at home), and he always insisted on eating it and talking at the same time.

"Emma used to complain that he would spit little bits of pizza on her and, in fact, when I looked at her black outfit, I saw little bits everywhere. I laughed so hard. Next she noticed that her face would break out on the same side that he was sitting on and spoke to her from. Every time thereafter, when he started eating pizza and turned to her to speak, we would just burst out laughing. She learned to quickly get up and dance .."

It's hard being Hef's "girlfriend." But there's more:

"The question that is on everyone's mind: Does Hef really have sex with all those girls? Yes. Yes and no. There's just so much more to it. Everyone knows that Hef is the self-proclaimed King of Viagra. hef was introduced to 'Vitamin V.' One year on his birthday when he received 'gift-wrapped goodie bag' from his doctor at his annual mansion birthday party -- one of the first prescriptions written for Viagra in Hollywood ... when Viagra did work, it didn't work alone. The bedroom encounters all started off the same way: hef would lie on his back in the middle of the bed, and as some of us were getting stoned or drinking Dom, he would cover himself with baby oil (to this day, the smell of baby oil makes me gag)."

-- That's how you know it's a relationship based on love.

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